This is a crack fanfiction.

UPDATES: Revised and edited some things because of my generally bad grammar when I originally wrote this. Made some changes, minor ones. I didn't do anything to change the format because.. Well who gives a shit, it'll be bad anyways. That and I'm lazy.

Anyone seen my keys?

"Blah" Normal speech.
*Blah* Actions.
"Blah" Thoughts.
"Blah" Important or "Other" text that I felt needed to be set aside in black. Don't judge it because it's a shade darker than the rest.


It was a jolly day, in the semi-prosperous land of Hyrule. If you of course focus solely on the center of the world map and ignore the desert. Like, entirely.

The wind blew, the grass rustled on the great plains, the workers in Kakariko village ran along shirking their work.

All was peaceful..

Navi: "HEY!"

Link: "How do I..? Oh, yeah." *Presses button*

Navi: "LISTEN! We need to be heading towards Lake Hylia."

Link: "Yeah.. I know.."

And so, the lad with the annoying fairy in his hat ran off towards the lake again.

A short time later..

Navi: "HEY!"

Link: *Presses button* "What does she want now..?"

Navi: "LISTEN! We need to be heading towards Lake Hylia."

Link: "I KNOW! I'm going as fast as I can! My short legs only go so far, so fast!"

Navi: "WATCH OUT!"

Link: "OH SNAP! A STALCHILD!" "Damn these annoying cutscenes, always getting in the way of a fi-Oh god it's biting me!"

After a grueling (And slightly amusing) battle, the lad with short legs and a fairy ran off in the direction of the lake.

Link: "Hey.. Is that..? It is! Finally."

Navi: "HEY!"

Link: *Ignores Navi and goes on through the river*

Navi: "…HEY!"

Link: "..." *Presses button* "This is getting pretty annoying. You'd think I would be used to it now, having gone through two dungeons and shit already. Maybe the fumes from Dodongo's Cave are affecting her."

Navi: "LISTEN! You'll need to go through this river place to find the entrance to Zora's Domain."

Link: "Thank you, Captain Obvious. Wait, Zora's Domain? I thought we were going to Lake Hylia.."

Navi: "…"

Link: "..? I think I finally shut her up."

Navi: "ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR"

Link: O.o "What's going on!?"

Navi: *Starts buzzing around* ERROR ERROR ERROR

Link: "Aaahhh" D: *Presses A button and Navi goes back inside the hat*

Navi: "… HEYHEYHEYHEYEHEYHEY"

Link: "GAH! That is REALLY annoying, I'll just turn the volume down."

Navi: "HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY" *Can still be heard*

Link: "Damn it, shut the hell up!" *Swings sword frantically*

Zora Guardsman: "Heh, reminds me of my college days. Ah, those were the times. Oh, I see a blizzard on the horizon. In the middle of a never-ending summer. That's not suspicious."

Link: "GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Some time later, after some narrow evades (And some more cursing), Link made it to the end of the river, and saw a waterfall. Meanwhile, Navi had finally shut up.

Link: "..Well what do I do now?"

Navi: *Remains remarkably silent*

Link: "..Hello? Navi? Great.. Just like a woman to leave you alone when you actually want her to be there."

Navi: "…"

Link: "Hey.." *Picks up card seemingly left by Navi* "What's this?"

Card Seemingly Left Behind By Navi: Thank you for purchasing this product. Should you encounter any issues, we encourage you to call our customer service. At 1-800 NINTENDO.

Link: o.o *Calls number* "..Hello? Yes, I think there's a problem with Navi.. Oh? Err.. Ok.. Thank you. You too."

Navi: "HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY"

Link: "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm just gonna jump straight into this waterfall and be crushed by the pressure, ending it all now."

Navi: *Buzzes frantically and knocks Link into the waterfall*

Link: "W-WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN TO REALLY-Oh, I see. There's a passage behind the falls. I'll remember this."

Navi: "You're welcome."

Link: "Hey! When did you start working properly again?"

Navi: "Don't ask questions."

Link: "..Alright then."


I recently went and deleted all my shit, because it was so terrible. I left this story (Albeit heavily edited and fixed) because it was the only one I thought worth anything, despite its creativity issues. I mean really, write a "Story" where it's really just a long chat between friends that I added onto, edited and embellished. Very creative.
Anyways, this sucks, but I tried to make it suck a little less. Did I succeed? Lemme know in a review.
And if you encounter any issues while reading this story, you can call my esteemed helper hotline at 1-800 EAT A DICK. My team is standing by RIGHT now to help people JUST like you. Call now!
No but seriously, remember to get your Ebola vaccinations before going to church this Sunday. That shit's important.