Author's Note: The idea for Bella to have a journal just kinda came to me. I read 'My First Year as A Cullen' -which I strongly suggest to anyone- and thought of how Bella lost most of her human memories. I wanted her to be able to remember her family, friends, and her childhood. The entries will be recent but the events in them will be from when she was younger. Some may be from more recent years but quite a few will be from before she moved ot Forks. I don't know if anyone will really like this different story so if you read it, please review to make me feel loved and to know that this wasn't a stupid idea. :
Disclaimer: I own nothing and I don't even know if these things really happened to Bella, they are things I just assumed.
Bella's Journal: Entry Number One
A/A/N: Edward reads Bella's memories- so it's from his point of view.
When Edward told me that I might lose most of my human memories, I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what or who I would remember or forget. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't forget anything or anyone important. So I decided to start this journal, to help me remember. Edward said it was a good idea and so I went with it.
The first thing I want to remember is the lovely woman who raised me, my mother, Renee. She is a great, beautiful, intelligent woman that has always loved and supported me in everything. As did I with her random, short- lived hobbies. She changed from hobby to hobby every so often and I love that about her. She has a great personality and is married to Phil, a great man who plays short stop for the Suns in Florida.
I remember growing up in Phoenix, Arizona. The scenery there is very different from here in Forks. I once called this place 'too green' but when I went home, on the run, I realize how much I loved the green. The next thing I want to remember is the times I visited my grandnother, before she passed. She was a lovely woman who smelled lovely, like a normal old person. I will never smell that way. I am thankful to Edward for agreeing to allow me to become one of his kind. He was very stubborn in the beginning and is still hesitant about having to do it himself, because he doesn't know if he can handle it.
He fears that he may kill me but I know that if he doesn't want to, he never would. I love everything about him. The way he smells, the way he treats me as if I'm breakable, because to him, I am. Anyway, back on track. I remember the way my father and mother would insist that I spend every summer with Charlie in Forks. But I did put my foot down when I was thirteen and from then on, Charlie spent the summers in California, with me.
I remember this one time that I went to an amusement park with my mother. It was the weekend before school started and I had just gotten back from Charlie's. I was seven and I was in my early stages of clumisness. I had just gotten off of a harmless enough ride, the Ferris Wheel, for the first time. I was walking towards a concessions stand to get some cotton candy and, of course, I tripped. I naturally put my arms out and caught myself with one of them. I broke my right arm and it was in a cast for a while. I had a lot of people sign it and they wrote funny things that I don't really remember but I do know that they made me laugh.
On one of my visits to Charlie, I think I was five or six, I went fishing with him. Just to see what it was like, and got a hook caught in one of my fingers. I was rushed to the emergency room, of course, and the hospital kind of became my second home when I visited my father. Oh, and of course, it happened again but when I was eight and it got caught in my arm instead. I never really called Charlie 'dad' unless I was speaking to him directly. My mom told me specifically not to call him Charlie to his face.
My father is a very kind man and is the Police Chief to the town of Forks, Washington. He can be so clueless sometimes and I think that I may have inherited that and my clumsiness from him. I love him dearly and even though he rarely show it, I know that he feels the same way.
have many memories from my childhood that I want to remember and hopefully will whenever I am transformed. But that is the reason I started this journal- to remember. One of the earliest memories I have is of my first day of Kindergarten. My mom had intended to drop me off but couldn't follow through and ended up walking me inside, holding my hand the whole way, and walking me up to the teacher. My teacher was a very nice lady, she actually had to kick my mother out when she wouldn't leave of her own accord. Her name was Ms.Lowry and she was very young at the time. I think we were actually her first or second year of students. She brought us cookies and cupcakes almost every day. Surprising us when we did something good with little treats.
I miss her, very much, and I wish I could visit her but she moved a few years later. She had gotten married to Mr. Miller - our music teacher- and they had moved to Tennesse. I don't know where she lives exactly because I'm not a stalker. And although Edward has offered many times to find those who I wish to see again before we go away, I have refused because I do not want to cause any more people pain than necessary. He reads this when I'm asleep and I don't mind. He never gets to look inside my head the way he does everyone else and this is a way for him to do that .
I don't want him to be angry with me but I do love him more. I've loved him ever since I first saw him that day in lunch. I tried so hard not to talk to him for fear that he would think me obsessed or like a stalker. Ha ha, like I could ever be a stalker. Why do I keep getting off topic? I guess I just have Edward on my mind way too often.
Let's try this again. Hi. My name is Bella Swan and I am in love with a vampire. I have decided to marry said vampire in exchange for getting to spend eternity with him. I am keeping this journal in order to remember things when I become one of him. He has told me that I may lose some of my memories and I don't know what I'll forget or what I'll remember.
When I got out of school on my first day, my mother told me that she had been sitting there all day, only leaving for the necessities. I told her not to worry, maybe that's where I get it from. I always tend to worry anout everything. Once someone tells me not to worry, I tend to worry twice as much. Maybe I'll take that trait with me when I change. I don't really know. My new family has kept some of their traits and I want to be just like them. The only difference between me and them is that I am choosing to become like them. None of them had a say in the matter.
When we got home that day, my mother prepared my favourites and even had a big cake to finish it off. My favourite foods as a human would have to be the average teen human food- pizza,tacoes, fries, etc. But I have a very small feeling that my favourite foods will change to just one when ever I, myself, am changed. But that night, she prepared for me my favourite foods of a 5-6 year old- mac'n'cheese, french fries, and chicken nuggets, with ketchup. And I had a big ol' glass of chocolate milk to wash it all down. That night, she told me that I was a big girl now and I needed to act like one. I think that was the day I became the person I am today. A responsible person, always trying to do the right things when the time called for it.
From then on, I tried not to act like a baby. I was always at the top of my class in Phoenix and my mother was very proud about that. I made straight A's tried to not disappoint her as much as possible. In the end, everything worked out for the better.
I ended up with Edward for a lab partner in Biology and we were almost on the same level. I say almost because he has college degrees and I just have a measly little diploma but I was in an advanced Biology class back in Phoenix . Why can't I keep my mind off of my gorgeous fiancee?!
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So this is just a glimpse into her mind. I wonder what else she will write about. Some of these things I have never heard of and I hope she will fill me in on them later, but for now, I will let her sleep. She will never look as peaceful as this when she becomes one of my kind and I have endlessly tried to explain to her the consequences of her choice.
I do love her, so much so that I am willing to take away her life. I have heard people say that if you really love someone, you would kill them. I guess that I really do love her, as many times as I have tried to convince us both otherwise. I do wish that she wasn't so fragile sometimes, so that I may do all of the things I wish I could do to and with her. She says she loves me the most, but she has no idea.
I have held back so many times, just so that I would not hurt her. I have wanted to do so many things with her that I have to discipline myself when no one is capable of finding out. I looked at her and she started to talk in her sleep again. I was going to miss this about her also when she became like me.
By discipline, I don't mean physical harm but I mean to say that I when I felt I may slip, I only fed on small animals, such as, deer, rabbits- nasty, and the like. Then I feel as if I am endangering her life and have to physically punish myself. Oh well, that will all be behind us in just two short weeks.
I do wish that she would forget this silly idea of becoming like me and go on living her life. I want her to be happy but not if it means hurting her. From what she tells me, I have hurt her more than I ever intended when I left almost a year ago. I hated the idea of doing that to her again so I agreed to stay.
"Edward..." Oh, she's started. I'm going to miss this in a while. I wonder what she'll dream about tonight.
"Yes, my love?" I whispered in her ear. She turned to face me. I saw that she still had her eyes closed but she still managed to seem as if she was talking directly to me. I had discovered that we could have these little conversations in her sleep and she vaguely remembered them.
"I, Isabella Marie Swan, take thee, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, to be my lawfully wedded wife. Oops, husband." she giggled in her sleep and I couldn't help but smile. Maybe tonight we could actually make it to the part where the priest said my favourite line.
She continued with her vows, her voice fading in and out from time to time but I still caught her every word. "In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer until death do us part." She turned her head back around and I placed my hand on her lovely face. She raised a hand of her own to hold mine against her face.
"Edward?" she asked.
"Yes, love?"
"Aren't your going to answer the nice man?" I assumed she meant the priest and it must have been my turn to take my vows.
"Yes, love. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Would you like me to go in now?" She smiled and I took that as a green light.
"I, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, take thee, Isabella Marie Cullen, to be my lawfully wedded husband. Oops, wife. I guess you made me mess up too, love," I whispered in her ear. I had messed up on purpose to make her feel a little better. I didn't want her to feel weird about being the one to make a mistake at our 'dream' wedding. I held her hand in mine and kissed each knuckle before kissing rhe top of her hand.
She kind of chuckled to herself and I loved the sound. "Edward? What aren't you listening to this nice man?"
I pulled away from her hand and looked at her face. It was hard to see in the dark but I was positive she had her eyes open. Maybe I was just seeing things...
"Sorry again, love. What did the nice man say this time?"
"He said you may now kiss the bride." With this, I gave in and kissed my fiancee. I had hoped that we would have gotten to this part tonight. We rarely did but when we did, she slept through it. That's why I went a little crazier than when we kissed while she was awake. I think that's why I could tell something was different.
Bella held me tighter than she usually did in her sleep, kissing me with more urgency, making me want to do more with her. I wanted to keep going but she kept me from doing so. "Edward, I thought it was like this."
I pulled away from her and looked at her face. She blinked. I hadn't been imagining things earlier and she had been awake the whole time. I was a little surprised at her, she didn't usually try to manipulate me this way. Maybe I had slipped to one of my siblings about our little conversations and they had told my beautiful Bella.
"Bella, are you awake?"
She stilled and said, "No, you're just not seeing clearly."
"Bella, why did you do this?"
Silence.
"Bella?"
"I wanted to see if what Alice said was true. That if I pretended to be asleep that you would kiss me the way I wanted to kiss you all the time. The way you only did while I was asleep." She souneded ahamed of her behaviour, or just embarrassed.
"Bella, I never want you to be afraid to tell me what you want. Just don't lie to me to get it." I held her head in my hands ever so carefully. I wanted so much to be able to show her how much I wished we could do the things we both longed to do with one another.
I leaned to kiss her once more and held her in arms until she fell alseep. I wanted so much to be able to do the same. I wonder what she will write about next...
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Additional Author's Note: Ok, so how horrible was it? I tried to make it sound as much like Edward as I could. Plz tell me if this was a good idea and if I should write more like this.
