When I Look At You

A/N: Seriously, that was an awesome episode! In like every single way (I mean, come on. How amazing was the Cate/Ryan storyline and how funny was Kelly?)... minus the fact that we only got one Cate/Lux scene! It's like the writers are deliberately trying to make me waste my entire exam studying time on fanfiction! Anyway, I just extended the teeny tiny Cate/Lux bedroom scene so that Cate found out about Valerie (the foster mom). I don't think this is how Lux and Valerie's relationship will play out in the show, but one can only hope (and write fanfiction!) right? :) Lol and this also may have come just after I finished reading Bastard Out Of Carolina... Just saying :)

Lux looked up as someone stumbled up the stairs, slightly amused when she saw it was a clearly drunk, Cate.

"Oh, wow. I thought those stairs were hard sober." Cate collapsed on the final steps, her arms sprawled out on the floorboard. "What are you still doing up?"

Lux scoffed slightly. "Couldn't sleep."

"Why? What?" Cate instantly started to pull herself up. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Yeah..." Lux sat up slowly. "It's nothing."

Cate frowned, concerned as she stumbled over to a chair. "Doesn't look like nothing."

Lux sat up, sighing as she shook her head. "It's..." She didn't make eye contact; wrapping her arms around her legs as she looked down. After a few seconds, she looked up and met Cate's gaze, shrugging slightly. "It's Tasha."

Cate frowned, her confusion turning to worry as Lux continued. "I saw her new foster home."

"And what? Is it not going to last? Is it bad? What is it?" Cate slurred.

Lux shook her head slightly, her mouth open as she looked down. "I don't want her there." Cate knew there was more to it then Lux was letting on. "But if it doesn't work out, she's gone. Another three hours away, or worse."

Cate sat forward, not really thinking as she replied. "Alright well, Lux, look you know if she gets stuck, or if she can't take it..." Cate sighed. "You know, if she gets kicked out, we will... figure something out."

Lux looked both relieved and confused. "Figure something out like how?" Cate bit her lip, thinking as Lux slowly shifted down the bed to sit closer to her. "Like... maybe... maybe she could live here?"

Cate didn't think as she replied, just wanting to make Lux feel better as she shrugged. "Yeah... You know, I mean if it came to that."

Lux smiled. "You really mean that?"

Cate shrugged. "Well, yeah... you know, if something happens and she needs a place to stay..." Cate watched as Lux expression changed, and she couldn't help but sober slightly as she saw Lux face's contort with emotions. "...Is something going to happen, Lux?"

Lux looked up at Cate's question, not sure how to respond. "I lived with Valerie." She finally spoke, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

Cate looked shocked at the confession and didn't know how to respond. "Oh?"

Cate tried to find the right words, watching as Lux fiddled with the edge of a pillow. "I don't want Tasha there." Her tone was bitter and yet full of agony at the same time.

"Lux?..."

Lux looked up, her jaw set with anger although her eyes were filled with pain and freshly formed tears.

Cate sobered, cautiously shifting closer to Lux. "Why don't you want Tasha there, Lux?"

Lux wrung her hands as she tried to figure out what to say. She wanted to tell Cate the truth, but she couldn't seem to find the words. She opened and closed her mouth, starring at her hands as her eyes pooled with tears.

"I was thirteen when I first got there. Valerie, you know, she was great." Lux felt slightly uncomfortable talking to Cate about her foster mom, and from the way Cate shifted slightly, Lux could tell she felt just as awkward. "She was the first foster parent I had who was actually interested in my life. She made sure that we did something every weekend, and every night at dinner she would ask me about my day."

Lux smiled slightly as she remembered; Cate watching her and doing the same. "Back then, the system didn't allow single parents to be foster parents. Legally, I was under the care of both Valerie and her husband, but... Ron..." Lux subconsciously shuddered as she said his name. "He wasn't really interested in having a kid."

Cate watched as Lux starred at the bed cover, her eyes wide as she tried to keep it together. Slowly Cate shifted to sit next to Lux, bringing her back to reality. Lux looked up and met her gaze, instinctively shifting closer to her mom.

When Cate noticed Lux didn't know how to continue, she questioned her gently, hoping it would make it easier for Lux to talk. "Did something happen?"

"It was fine at first. I mean, he would just ignore me, you know? I heard them fighting at night sometimes, after they thought I was in bed. I wasn't stupid, you know. I had been in enough foster homes to know he was hitting her. It was always in places she could cover with clothes or excessive amounts of makeup, but it was obvious if you knew what to look for. Valerie knew that I knew, and I knew that she was getting it worse than normal because of me."

"Lux..." Cate tried to reach out to Lux but pulled away when the blonde instinctively flinched. "You can't blame yourself."

Lux ignored her, starring forward as she continued. "Valerie never left me alone with him. But one night he came home early and Valerie was at my parent/teacher interviews. He completely flipped out."

"Where's my wife?"

Lux looked up from the kitchen table and forced a smile. Valerie always taught her to be on her best manners, especially around Ron. "It's parent/teacher night at school." She said quietly.

Ron grabbed a beer out of the fridge, scoffing at Lux. "So? She ain't your mama."

Lux couldn't hold back her anger as she looked down, mumbling. "She's going to be."

"What did you say?" Ron grabbed Lux's arm roughly and pulled her out of her chair, yanking her towards himself.

Lux whimpered. "Nothing."

Ron gripped tighter to Lux's arm as he roughly yanked her into the bathroom, Lux stumbling as she tried to keep up.

He threw her on the tiled floor and Lux instantly cowered into a corner, wrapping her arms around her knees tightly.

"No, please, I'm sorry." Lux whimpered.

Ron pulled off his belt and yanked Lux out of the corner, throwing her into the center of the room. "Not as sorry as you're gonna be."

Lux curled up, stifling her screams with cries as Ron whipped the belt strap against her back.

After a few minutes of the sickening sound of leather hitting flesh, he got bored and went back into the kitchen. When Valerie got home half an hour later, Lux was still crying in the bathroom, Valerie's makeup spread out in front of her as she failed to cover the lashing marks.

"Lux?" Valerie didn't bother to wait for an answer before entering, her smile disappearing and her hand going to her mouth when she saw Lux.

Lux instantly started crying, reaching out for Valerie. "Mommy... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"What'd you do, honey?" Lux cried in Valerie's arms; Valerie brushing back Lux's hair as she kissed her head repeatedly. "What'd you do to make him so mad?"

"... After I told Valerie, she went to talk to Ron." Lux set her jaw and stared at the bed covers.

"What happened?"

Lux tried to shrug it off casually, but Cate could see how much she was hurting. "Ron decided he didn't want a kid anymore so Valerie shipped me back to Sunnyvale the next day." She rolled her eyes, her tone bitter and sarcastic. "She said it was the best thing for all of us."

"... I don't know what to say." Cate whispered, more to herself than to Lux.

Lux pulled away, barricading herself. "Don't say anything. I didn't tell you because I want your pity." Her tone was just as bitter as she intended it to be.

"Lux..." Cate whispered, her eyes filled with tears. "Baby, look at me." Lux reluctantly did as she said; Cate noticing how hard Lux was trying to keep it together. "I'm so sorry."

Lux turned away the second she heard the word 'sorry', her anger returning. Cate knew how she was going to react and gently placed a hand on Lux's arm to stop her from pulling away even more.

"No, hey, I know you don't want to hear it, but I am so sorry." A loose tear slipped down Lux's cheek but she brushed it away quickly, angry. "If I had known... I should have checked." Cate's voice cracked as she whispered, gently tucking a piece of hair behind Lux's ear. "I'm so sorry, Lux."

"It doesn't matter." Lux was angry, but Cate blaming herself wasn't what she wanted when she told her. "I'm fine. I dealt with it."

"That's the thing, Lux. You shouldn't have had to. I should have been there. I'm so sorry-"

"Cate, please stop." Lux almost begged, her eyes filling with fresh tears. "Stop saying you're sorry. I don't blame you anymore. Just please... stop apologizing."

Lux couldn't help it. Although she would probably never forgive Cate for giving her up, she didn't blame her. There was no way Cate could have known she wouldn't be adopted; she didn't know Lux was sick, and the social worker had ensured Cate she would be.

Cate nodded, but it was clear she still felt guilty. Lux smiled slightly, trying to reassure her mom. "I'm okay." She nodded. "I am. I have you, and Baze and Ryan now. I'm okay. But Tasha-"

Cate shook her head before Lux could continue. "We're going to get her out of there, okay?" Cate gently brought a hand to Lux's cheek, smiling reassuringly. "I promise we'll figure something out."

Lux nodded and smiled, allowing Cate to wrap her arms around her. Lux closed her eyes, resting her head on Cate's shoulder tiredly.

Cate rubbed her back soothingly, wishing more than anything she could go back and do things differently. "I love you."

Lux smiled as she heard her mom whisper, nodding. "I love you too."

Cate smiled and pulled back, cupping Lux's cheek quickly before standing up and pulling back the covers of the bed. "You need to get some sleep."

Lux obediently shifted back to lay under the covers, yawning as she watched Cate expectantly.

"Scoot over."

Lux looked up surprised, raising an eyebrow. Cate smirked slightly, nudging Lux over in the bed so she could lay down beside her. "Those stairs are hard enough coming up. I'm not even going to attempt going back down."

Lux smiled and relaxed back in the bed. Cate watched her for a few moments before reaching over and turning off the lamp. The darkness was all the invitation Lux needed. She curled up under the covers and shifted closer to Cate, Cate wrapping a loose arm around her back as she drifted to sleep.