Sirius Black's Guide to Dealing with Girls

By Lily Orange

Hello, my name is Sirius Black, alias Padfoot, and I am a love god extraordinaire.

Not self-titled, obviously, as that would be incredibly arrogant and egotistical, which I am so not, no matter what Lily says – I was titled by the girls of Hogwarts. Well, the ones who use the third floor girls' bathroom anyway – I haven't checked the rest. Prongs made me go in there for a dare, and luckily, there were no girls in there but somebody had written 'I love James Potter' across one of the mirrors in bright pink lipstick with kisses underneath (I'm sorry, but who in their right mind would kiss a mirror? It's not as if it's even James – though I wouldn't kiss James anyway as for one, he is a bloke, and as for another, he doesn't wear sexy smelling perfume or have breasts. You're practically kissing yourself because you're kissing your own reflection which could lead people into thinking you fancy yourself which is never good) and someone else had written my new title on another mirror in red lippy. With kisses in many different colours. It was like some sort of petition, but instead of signing names, it was kissing the mirror. Slightly weird – though don't worry, all teenage girls go through a stage where they kiss mirrors. I think.

Anyway, away from the girls' bathroom – it's a very scary place, even if it did inflate our egos a bit – and back to business. Well, the business is, I have decided to divulge some of my secrets of dealing with the mysterious girl and lady kind to other males who aspire to accumulate girlfriends like a clock on a shelf accumulates dust. There are a number of rules that I, and sometimes my friends, will try to explain.

But let me tell you, my girl advice is much more accurate than theirs as I have had, throughout the duration of my time at Hogwarts, seven hundred and eighty three snogs, fifty five girlfriends and eight crazy stalkers hiding in my wardrobe.

In comparison to my friends: Prongs has had sixty three snogs, one girlfriend (all sixty three are from that girlfriend, namely Lily, who he has been chasing after since the moment we got on the Hogwarts Express in first year) and no crazy stalkers in his wardrobe, though three third year girls did hide under his bed once – they were very scary actually, we didn't realise they were there until one of them started talking in their sleep about how much they loved James so we knew it couldn't be us; ha, only kidding Prongs! So we ransacked the room and found all three of them curled up under his bed, clutching photos they had of him from the Quidditch party we had had the night previously – which had been a bloody brilliant night with plenty of music, food, pranking and snogging, my four passions – which they had wanted him to sign but when he appeared they got so star struck that they kind of froze up and eventually fell asleep there. It was quite frightening, so James woke them and they screamed! I know he's scary and everything, especially when he grins at you (though Lily is adamant that grin is irresistible and attractive), but there is no need to scream! Eventually he signed the pictures, posed with them for more pictures, and at half past five they finally left and we could return to our beauty sleep, whilst Prongs debated whether or not to brag about this to Lily – but I pointed out that it wasn't really much of a good thing that he had third years hankering after him. That was very unlike my crazy fan girls slash insane stalkers who were hiding in my wardrobe – on four occasions I have found girls in there! Fortunately mine have all been over fourteen and have been reasonably attractive, unlike one of Prongs' who had a big boil on the end of her nose which was yellowing. That's more of something to brag about to any prospective girlfriend as she'll know that you're in demand so will want to snap you up quickly.

Moony has had an estimated thirty eight snogs (he informed us rather irritably that he doesn't count how many snogs he gets like us – you have to count and compare with your friends after, though, don't you?), two girlfriends and no crazy stalkers anywhere, which he is happy about (I wouldn't be).

And Wormtail has had no snogs, no girlfriends and no stalkers. And he asked me not to publish those details on pain of, well, nothing really; he issued an empty threat of wrapping me up in toilet paper in my sleep (James did that to me in third year when I put a picture of him under Lily's pillow and wrote on the back 'Hey Lily, now James will always be in your bed!' – it's an overrated punishment) but I said that in publishing that it will make any girl who reads this feel sorry for him and want to snog him. Possibly. Or perhaps, as Prongs suggested, he simply repels all female kind with his bad breath. Don't worry, we like him really. He's an excellent pranker and a great catch for any girl – and he didn't just order me to write that.

So yes, you can see that I have had many a snog and a girlfriend and a crazy stalker during my time at Hogwarts, and I have gained this through no ease, but through following some very simple but highly effective rules throughout my time at Hogwarts – probably the only rules I ever followed, as I've broken all of the school ones, I think.

Anyway, all you have to do is follow the rules and the advice me and my sort of sane friends give you and you will become, like me, a LOVE GOD EXTRAORDINAIRE! Now, it isn't that difficult and I bid you good luck on your journey of self-discovery.


Hope you like the introduction to Sirius' book, please review!!

:) x Lily Orange x (: