Disclaimer: No copyright intended, Characters and situations belong to the fantastical Joss Whedon.
Summary: 10 moments Buffy wishes she could forget and 10 she's glad she won't. This part are moments from the series. Inspired by my first fanfic, The Watcher's Diary. You don't have to read that to get this, but you should anyways! Will be a two-part story. Ultimately B/A
Spoilers: Everything up til Chosen.
A/N: Of course, there being 7 seasons of Buffy there are millions of moments I could have chosen from. But these 10 stood out for me. Some others too, but too difficult to write about those. So here they are. The order is chronological, seemed to make the most sense.
OH, and please review! Thanks!
Life Is A Series Of Moments.
There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
~ Carl Jung
1.
Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him.
Now, she doesn't understand how she hadn't know it wasn't Angel. The only thing Angel and Angelus had in common, was the body they shared. Of course, there was no possible way she could have known, and of course she didn't know everything about Angel, far from it, but his love, she knew it better than herself. That night, she hadn't seen it at all. His eyes were dead, and his voice had been cold. And the things he had said... everything had been like a big flashing sign saying "I'm not Angel". And then she knew for sure. She had felt like such a fool for not seeing it sooner, but in the grand scheme of things, that had been the least important thing to go through her mind.
She always knew she'd face evil things, determined to end her and the ones around her. But this was by far, the worst of them. A sadistic killer wearing the face of the man she loved. Angelus was just as good at hurting her as Angel had been at loving her. Never since then, had it been so hard to fight the big bad she was up against. Every time she faced him, she only felt weaker. She tried to be strong, and pretend like he was just any other bad guy, but that is all it was. Pretending. What she really wanted, more than anything, was to fall into his arms, and simply let him hold her. This desire, just made everything that much harder, because, at the time, she thought it would never happen again.
When she had that first chance to kill him, it was no surprise that she didn't. Some part of her had hoped he was still in there, and that he'd come back. Which was naive at best, but truthfully, it was plain and simple denial. As the slayer, she knew better than anyone what a vampire was. A killer, nothing more. And Angelus had thoroughly proved that, and still, Buffy couldn't bring herself to do it. She had paid dearly for that mistake. First Jenny, and then Giles.
But if she had managed to kill him in that mall, he may have never come back. And, as horrible a person as it made her, she was glad she hadn't.
2.
What's happening?
Shhhh.. don't worry about it. I love you.
I love you.
Close your eyes.
Killing Angel is still the hardest thing she's ever had to do. She had just come to terms with him being gone to her forever, and there he was again. The love for her shining in his eyes as it always had. For a moment, she was willing to give it all up for him. Let Acathla suck the world into hell, and they would have at least been together. But she knew she had to do what was right, and so she killed him. She saved the world, and in turn lost her own. In killing him, she had killed a part of herself as well. She was never the same ever again.
In one way, it had forced her to grow up. To give up the childish illusion that in the end, everything would be ok. Because it wasn't. Angel was gone; the only person she ever loved with all her heart and soul was suffering in Hell, and she had been the one to send him there. It had made her see that there was no such thing as the happy ending. Life wasn't a fairytale, It was pain, and loss, death and despair. Life had its own plans, and nothing she did would ever change that. She saw for the first time, what being the slayer really meant. It meant putting her wants and desires after everything else. It was a truth she hadn't been ready to accept. So she ran from it. She hid, but as it turns out, she couldn't escape her destiny.
Everything leading up to the moment she rammed the sword through him, had been her fault. Angel losing his soul in the first place, Jenny dying, Giles getting tortured, all the other countless people dying by Angelus' hand, it all lead back to her. She wanted to punish herself for it, but she hadn't known how. So when he turned back into Angel, she had known. It was her karma, life's way of making her pay for all her mistakes. She just wish he hadn't had to pay them for her. The guilt of killing the love of her life, never left her. Even after he came back, it was still there. He had never blamed her, only himself. But she did. It was a long time till she could look at herself in the mirror without feeling disgust.
And of course, it had been his love that had gotten her through it.
3.
I want my life to be with you.
I don't.
She never thought she'd have to go through it again. And even though she was used to not getting what she wanted out of life, it still came as a shock. Angel was leaving her, again. And in some ways, it was worse. He would still be alive and so would she, but they'd no longer be together. She wouldn't ever be cradled in his arms again, or feel his cool lips on her own. He was lost to her, and Buffy knew she'd never find a love like that ever again. He was her other half, her soulmate, the yin to her yang, all the cheesy cliches about love she'd heard, had some truth to them. And for her, Angel fit inside them all, to a T. She can't deny that she always knew it was doomed, a slayer and a vampire in love wasn't likely to last after all. And being with him was hard, beyond anything else, but loving him was easy. Natural, as if she was born just to love him. She wasn't good at much, other than defeating the vamps and demons that crossed her, but she was great at loving him. Yes, all the cheesy cliches of love, easily defined her and Angel.
She always had a feeling that somehow love would transcend it all, beat the odds. After all, a love like theirs didn't come everyday, so it had to last. But, when it didn't, she had lost faith in love. If a bond as true as theirs couldn't be, then what point was there? Why love when all it does is hurt in the end? So, Angel left and with him, he took her ability to love another.
And therein lay the loophole she hadn't failed to see. She wouldn't ever love another, but she'd always love him. They might never be together again, but she'd be his girl, always. If he ever needed her, she'd be there in a second. So, some things hadn't changed after all. He would always be the love of her life, and sometimes she'd deny that to herself, but they didn't call it 'the one' for no reason, did they?
So, despite the agony she felt at losing him, she was grateful to have had the chance to go through life with Angel at her side, no matter how fleeting it had been.
4.
Let me go! Let me go! ... I have to go home! She's with my mother! ... you don't understand... she's taken my... my body.
The sensation of occupying a body that isn't your own isn't a pleasant one. Especially when it belongs to someone who's loathed you more than anyone else in the world. Then realizing all this person is capable of doing to the ones Buffy loved, of all the things she had already done. To say she was freaked out, was putting it mildly. She was beyond terrified. First for her family, then for herself. And then, what if she had to stay where she was for the rest of her life? No one knowing who she really was. No one listening to her, no matter how much she tried. Then, she had been caught by the council. This had made matters worse, and she hadn't thought that was possible. She would end up paying for things she had never done. More locked up than she had already felt. But she got lucky, and had managed to escape.
Then there was everything Faith had done with her body. Which wasn't much, thankfully. It could have gone so much horribly worse. Save for a few things, or one really. Riley. It had hurt that he couldn't tell the difference between her and Faith. She knew she was being illogical, since there was no way he could have known. She couldn't change how she felt about it though. It was a flashback to another moment in Buffy's long history with Faith. And even though this time she hadn't seen it, she could still picture it in her mind. And she really wished she couldn't.
Fortunately, this body swap hadn't lasted long. And as much as she had hated the whole thing, she couldn't help but feel, that somehow, it had changed something inside Faith. During their last fight, she saw something, almost imperceptible in Faith's eyes. So, she could have lived without the experience, but if she had finally somehow helped Faith, gotten through to her at last, she'd take it.
And, she didn't know it at the time, but she had.
5.
Harder...
...So this is my fault? Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die. I think I'll go and let some other w...
Of all the horrible things to happen in her life, this is the one that surprises her the least. This isn't saying it didn't hurt because it did or that she saw it coming. Just that, she had always expected something to go horribly wrong. She was more familiar with disaster than happiness those days. She can even say that she understands the feeling behind it. Its something akin to what she had gone through with Spike. And she can see how she pushed him to it. But she won't go as far as taking all the blame though. Because he had turned to another before ever confronting her about it, and nothing would ever justify that.
So, even if she had convinced him to stay, she doesn't know if it would have been a bridge they could have repaired. She didn't know if she would have ever been able to forget that moment, walking into the room and seeing him with that.. that vampire. He had lied and cheated yes, but he had also betrayed everything she stood for. And as much as she understood the feeling, the action itself, was still unfathomable to her. Even considering she had let a vampire bite her, but she had done that out of love, to save his life. Riley had been risking his life, for what exactly? She still didn't completely get that.
Looking back, she knows she had never truly let Riley in. After Angel, she had closed her heart off, so he had never really had a chance to begin with. Being with Riley, was safe, guaranteed to be painless. It was only safe because she hadn't risked herself by loving him. She regrets this, because he was a great man. He loved her more than she deserved, and eventually, she might have been able to love him back.
But, it wasn't meant to be.
6.
Mom? Mom? ...Mommy?
Losing her mother is the worst moment of her life. Finding Joyce on the couch with her eyes open.. it's a memory Buffy can't shake and the pain of it stabs her through the heart everytime it flashes behind her eyes. No matter what they say, she knows it will hurt forever. She knows no one has the perfect relationship with their parents, and hers is no exception, but she loved her mother like no one else in the world. She always knew someday 'it' would happen, but she had never counted on it being so soon. Especially not after everything that had happened. Joyce dying was the last thing Buffy had expected. She had completely thought that they had escaped that evil, kick its butt. And she was just beginning to take advantage and enjoy in the relationship she still had with her mother. She had been given a second chance to make it better. And life ripped it from her. Or well, life had been ripped from Joyce.
At first, it was beyond hard. Trying to be the grown up, the strong one for Dawn. It was a role she wasn't used to. Not in the non-vampires and demons aspect of her life anyways. More than anything, she didn't want it. Because that's how it had always been. Joyce was the strong one, and she was gone. Being strong, meant not having her mom anymore. And Buffy couldn't face that. Her mom had always been the one constant in Buffy's life, so for the first time, she truly felt alone.
She is still supremely grateful to Angel for being there that night. With everyone else she had to be slayer Buffy, the one who could handle anything. And God knows she tried. But he came, and there was someone Buffy could lean on. She didn't have to pretend with him, never had. He held her in his strong arms, and let her cry. It had made life after Joyce, a little easier to bear, and she would always owe him for that. So, despite the agony of losing her mom, she felt comforted.
Buffy may have lost her mother in the physical sense, but she was a part of Joyce. So, she carried her inside, always. It wasn't in the way she wanted, but it was enough.
7.
Our spell. Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought you back to life, Buffy. Right where we left her.
As the slayer, she had never expected to have much in common with vampires. In fact, this had been number one on her list of things she never expected to share with them. But as it turns out, she had more in common with her mortal enemy than she ever thought. An extensive night life, extra-strength, fast healing, just to name a few. And now this. Dying and coming back to life, and worse waking up in her coffin. For a fleeting moment, she had even considered the possiblity that she was a vampire. But only momentarily, the realization that she was in her grave made her heart pump furiously and she knew she hadn't joined the un-dead.
Waking up in your coffin is one fear every human has at one point in their life, and in most cases, its an irrational one. But Buffy's life, had never been like most cases. So the fact that she had never thought it would happen, should have only indicated that it would. And somehow it had been worse than just that. She didn't know if she would ever get out, and being in her coffin not dead, and eventually dying in it, scared her more than she had ever been. The fear didn't last long though, because, for the first time in her life, she was grateful that she shared so much with vampires. If they could get out, she knew she could too.
This moment only made losing Heaven that much harder. One minute, her soul is happy and in peace, and the next she's digging herself out of the earth. She likes to think that if she hadn't woken up there, her disdain for being back wouldn't have been so great. But this thought doesn't help in the slightest, so she always forces it out of her mind.
Having gone through what most people only do as a nightmare, make her reconsider burial for her next death. The next, and last time, she knows cremation is the way to go. Adding one more thing to her extensive 'How Buffy is like Vampires' list.
8.
Your shirt...
There were many reasons Tara's death pained her so much. For one, she truly had considered Tara as one of her own. One of the scoobies, family. She was perhaps, the most compassionate soul Buffy had ever met. Honest and with a great big caring heart. Buffy knew she's need lots of hands to count all the things Tara had done for her, and everyone around her. She had risked her life for Dawn. Been there for her in a way no one else had when Joyce died. Didn't judge her after the whole Spike fiasco. She had a close bond with Dawn that Buffy had been utterly grateful for, especially during the days after coming back from heaven. To name a few.
Then there was her relationship with Willow. Everytime Buffy saw them, she could see the love emanating from them, the connection they had was so strong. She couldn't help but admire the way Tara loved her best friend. And Willow just glowed. Seeing her best friend blissfully in love, it made her hopeful that someday she'd find a love like that, a love that didn't seem to be doomed.
But, life can be cruel at the best times, and she was gone. Sometimes, Buffy had blamed herself. If only she had reacted faster when Warren had shown up. Caught him before then. Or had seen the anger in him, perhaps if she had accepted him as a real threat, things could have gone differently. But the what ifs will kill you, so she tried hard not to think that way anymore.
Willow. Even now, she couldn't blame Willow for how she had reacted. She had just gotten Tara back, only to have her die shortly after. She knows she would have reacted the same way, and she can't help but feel that Warren got what was coming to him. But Willow didn't deserve his death on her hands, and the unfairness of it all, left a bad taste in Buffy's mouth.
She still doesn't understand why it happened, but sometime's there is no answer. She only knows that life and death happen, to all of us.
9.
Why you're the one who sees everything aren't you? Well let's see what we can do about that.
Being the slayer had never been easy. In fact, sometimes it was more than she could handle. But she did it, because she had to. Really, she had no choice in the matter. She was the slayer, and in the end, it was always up to her. No one would ever understand the burden she held on her shoulders everyday. Not even Faith. She knew she made mistakes, in her line of work, it was hard not to. Life was not a fairytale, that she found out the hard way, and good doesn't always defeat evil. But she did the best she could.
So, when Caleb had killed a few potentials she hadn't even really known, it was hard. Having almost lost Xander, was awful. But there are always casualties in war, she had accepted that. Granted, it hadn't been one of her better moments as the slayer. Perhaps she had been rash, underestimated her enemy. And she'd always carry those lives on her shoulders, but she understood the truth of it all. She was the leader, and sometimes things go horribly wrong, you don't always make the right decisions, but you make them. And as much as you hope you'll win without loss, you have to accept that you won't. Life wasn't easy, and it sure as hell wasn't fair.
Still, she hoped it had all gone terribly different. But, all the loss served a purpose in the end. It sounded cruel, but it was the truth of the matter. If she hadn't risked something, she wouldn't have gained anything. If they had never gone, the potentials would still be alive, and Xander would still have an eye, but she wouldn't have figured out what a danger Caleb truly was, and she might have never come to the conclusion that he was protecting something, and it turn, she may have never found the scythe. The thing that had saved them all in the end.
But, as much as it hurt, and as guilty as she felt, she couldn't bring herself to regret it.
10.
I know I'm right about this. I just need a little... I can't stay here and watch her lead you into some disaster.
Then you can't stay here. Buffy, I love you, but you were right. We have to be together on this. You can't be a part of it. So I need you to leave. I'm sorry, but this is my house, too.
She hadn't seen this one coming. Never in a million years. And she'd be lying if she said she wasn't still bitter about it. After everything she had done for all of them, everything she had given up for them and the world, they had thrown her out the door like she was nobody. It striked her as ironic, because in the 7 years prior to that moment, they always turned to her. They had even gone as far as ripping her from Heaven. Yet they had treated her like she couldn't be trusted, like she didn't know what she was doing. True, she had made a horrible decision, but it's not like she could have known the outcome of that decision. They were in the middle of a war, and none of them could see it.
What hurt the most, was how quickly her family had turned on her. The potentials, she understood. Hell, even Faith. But Giles, Dawn, Willow and Xander? Giles, who had asked her to give up her sister for the world. Dawn, whom's life she had given her own for. Willow, who on her own account had made some awful decisions herself, that no one blamed her for. And Xander, well, him she understood. He had lost an eye because of her, so it didn't exactly win her brownie points. But still, after the speech he had given a few days ago, she hadn't expected it.
And Anya. What she had said, was beyond unfair. Did she actually think being the slayer was easy? A gift? Lucky? Those are three words she had never used to describe it. In fact, she couldn't remember a time when it wasn't the exact opposite. All she had ever wanted was a normal life, and with time she had accepted that she'd never get that. She had sacrificed everything she had ever wanted; Angel (twice), normality, love, a real future, Heaven, her own damn life (also twice); for the good of mankind. And yet, somehow, it wasn't enough.
This isn't to say she expected gratitude from any of them, just understanding. But then it hit her, they'd never know what it was truly like to be her, to be a slayer. So, she found that with time, she could excuse this betrayal. Because that is what it had been, a slap in the face. The trust she had in them, had been broken, and nothing would make it the same ever again. But they didn't know, would never know, and she could forgive that.
Doesn't mean she doesn't still wish it hadn't happened.
The pain of these moments are like a power outage in her soul. But the joy of her best moments, are like the sun. Warming, and constant.
A/N Part Deux: Italics were quotes from the show, in case you didn't catch that. And yes, I know she wasn't there for the "your shirt" line, but it's still very fitting for that loss. This was so sad to write, especially Joyce's death. Hopefully I managed to get into Buffy's head acurately enough.
But the happy will come soon, and i'm excited about that! B/A coming up, stay tuned!
