This was inspired by the book How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith and Wes Craven. There was a line in there that screamed Cartman to me. Chapter one is really feels more like a prologue than an actual chapter to me.
Disclaimer: South Park is not mine.
It was a peaceful, Saturday night in the mountain town of South Park, Colorado. The children were all nestled snugly in their beds, dreaming of going on adventures, or blackmailing their parents into buying them the latest gaming platform, or, in the case of one particular fat little boy, nice juicy sugar plums smothered in chocolate syrup, with juicy marshmallows and fried chicken on the side. A fresh blanket of snow coated the ground and the sky shone a calm red color. All in all, a very romantic picture.
In the forest just outside of town, one faceless teenage couple was taking advantage of the picturesque scenery, as well as their hormones, to do a little exploring of each other's bodies in the comfort of a shiny, new sports car. These teenagers, unfortunately for them, were in the process of committing the number one sin of the genre in which this story takes place: sex. The consequence for this sin, as well as any other sin of the horror genre, is a gory death.
Unbeknownst to the teens, they were being watched. Lurking in a nearby cluster of dense bushes, their would-be killer growled. Catching sight of people in general was enough to fill the creature with a murderous rage, but seeing people partaking in a horror-genre sin made its blood boil like nothing else. Ever so slowly, the beast slunk towards its oblivious prey, careful to give no warning of its presence. By the time these foolish adolescents learned of the magnitude of their deed, it would be too late.
In one fell motion, the creature was upon the automobile, ripping apart the hood with its claws, while saliva dripped generously from its hungry mouth. The quiet serenity that had laid over the quiet mountain town was shattered by a shrill scream, which pierced the night, and even managed to wake up a few of those closest to the scene. Needless to say, that couple would not live to commit any more horror-story sins.
ooo
Sunday morning, the attack was all over the news. There wasn't a soul in the hick town that was unaware of the fate of those two nameless teenagers. After all, there were rarely stories of interest on the news stations. A mysterious murder terrified the over reactive adults of South Park, and even intrigued the more level headed children. The attack scene itself had left the police baffled. Even Mayor McDaniels was curious enough to pay it a visit.
"So tell me officer, what is it about this murder that you don't understand?"she inquired of the nearest investigator.
"Well," he began, "as there are no bodies to be found, we actually have no evidence that the missing kids are really dead; we do, however, have large quantities of blood spattering the area that cause us to assume. Anyway, as far as the evidence we've obtained goes, first, the hood of the car appears to have been torn off in a way that none of us can make any sense of, and second," he paused for dramatic effect.
"Second?" the mayor prodded, annoyed at the incompetence of all of the people that surrounded her.
"Second, if you note the way the brush is crushed, as well as the giant, bear/pig and man like foot prints that appear all throughout the area, it can be determined that the thing that did this was obviously some kind of large bearmanpig-ish monster, or a giant ten-assed turtle."
"Manbearpig, right," she scoffed, having dealt with such silly notions in the past. "Anyway, as there's really nothing else happening in town, I want all of you officers on this case pronto. I want you to find out what happened to those missing teenagers, and save them if at all possible, which is highly unlikely."
"Actually, Mayor," another investigator interrupted, "none of us are actually cops. We're just a bunch of intelligent tourists that watch a bit too much CSI that happened to stumble upon this scene. It's been fun, but if you want a real detective, try that guy," he extended a finger in the direction of a mildly overweight, awkward looking man in a police uniform.
"Barbrady," the mayor said with a disgusted sneer. Still, it probably wouldn't be good for her image if she let this case go uncompleted, and a bad image meant no reelection. She gave an inward sigh, again cursing whatever misdeed had dropped her in Hick-town, U.S.A. The officer stared dumbly at his superior. "All right, I want you to investigate the case of the mysterious monster that has abducted these teenagers. Do you think you might be capable of doing that?"
"I'll get right on it Mayor," Barbrady replied in his loud, irritating voice. Mayor McDaniels silently prayed that this man would never have children.
Having seen enough of the so-called baffling crime scene to satisfy her curiosity, the mayor motioned to her aides to follow her back to the car. After the morning's events, she was quite eager to return to her office, where she could sit in her fancy chair and feel important for the rest of the day. As much as she hated this redneck town, Ms. McDaniels really did adore being mayor.
ooo
The remainder of the day continued on as normal. The men all went to the bar to holler in agonized frustration as their team lost the big game, the women met at Sheila Broflovski's house to pursue her cause of getting R rated movies in general banned from theatres across the nation, the sexually confused tried to find their place in the world at the local lesbian bar, the little girls began working on their new list of which boys they would never date, and the little boys played a game of football in the park. It was from this game that little Token Black left a little bit early, so that he could walk the greater distance to his out-of-the-way home.
The boy loved walking home. No matter how much he assured the other kids that he didn't mind being rich anymore, he couldn't help loving the feeling of poverty he got when he traversed point A to point B on foot. Sure it was colder, less comfortable, and sometimes dangerous, but that was the fun of it. What good was life if you were always living in comfort?
What Token did not know, was that he, as the teenagers before him, was committing a horror-genre sin. In fact, he was committing two.
In the blink of an eye, darkness set in, which Token found mildly disconcerting. This, however, was South Park, and odd things were known to happen inexplicably; he picked up his pace. As he power walked down the road, every street lamp suddenly flickered off at the same time. He paused to gawp at the abnormal event. It seemed that somebody out there really wanted it dark. His mood evolved from slightly uncomfortable to rather nervous, and, as is often the case when nervous people solitarily traverse a street in the dark, the little boy began to feel as though he were being followed. He halted again and turned around, just to make sure he was truly alone. There was no one to be seen. Nonetheless, paranoia was rapidly kicking in, so he again increased speed. Token was sure that he could now hear footsteps behind him, but when a second glance again revealed nothing, the frightened kid broke into an all-out run.
He stopped to catch his breath only when he was certain that whatever might have been following him was gone. He leaned against a lamppost, breathing heavily. The boy was almost home; it was just a little bit farther. He began the last leg of his journey. Unfortunately, the boy's brief stop for air had been fatal. No sooner than had he taken two steps, the embodiment of his recent paranoia sprang into existence via some nearby bushes that Token could have sworn were not there a second ago.
He began to run away. It wasn't far to his house; he still had a chance. He was now regretting his choice to walk home alone. It's so easy to be attacked when you're alone. The child had broken into an all-out sprint, fueled by adrenaline, and too terrified to check if the horrible beast was even in pursuit. His front door drew closer and closer. Token was perhaps twenty feet away when he fell into the trap that all chase victims fall into. A rock sprung up out of no where, causing the boy to trip and fall flat onto the ground. The monster was on him in a second.
As all who foolishly committed horror-story sins before him, little Token Black, the only black child in all of South Park, had no chance.
I really hate this chapter. A lot. I'm a negative person. Ch. 2 will hopefully be better so, please read it if you feel so inclined. Sorry for the lame intro. And page breaks are evil.
