My Mind is Falling.
He lived his life in a state of perpetual hysteria. Everytime that butler left the room he felt thrown into a feeling of wild abandonment. When would he get back? Would he leave him for good?
Goddamnit Claude why can't you just never leave?!
He would hiss in his mind, wanting to run after him and hang at the butler's click, click, clicking black heels.
Your highness, your highness, CLAUDE, you're my highness! CLAUDE JUST LOOK AT ME. Turn around, Claude.
It was suffocating and drowning him, yet it had a beat to it. A beat like war drums or the pounding of an erratic heart. One moment Alois could have screamed for Claude to come back and the next moment he wanted to tell them all, -every last living creature! - to piss off and then, he thought, he'd shut himself away, scrubbing, scrub, dirty, scrubbing his skin off, fuckfuckfuckfuck, fucker,
He touched me, he touccched me, why can I still feel him?! Bastard, JUST PISS OFF!
The shame of an unavoidable surrender and then another wave of nausea and disgust. Then more screaming for Claude or shouting at Hannah. Panicked lashing out to vent the anger, to block out the silence which in his mind always descended into that filthy, ragged panting.
… Nnggh. AGH. AH! AH! AGH. Nnngh…
More screaming into pillows and sudden numbness. Maybe a bullet in the brain would have been a blessing.
You ruiiiiiiiiiined me, you, ALL OF YOU. They never loved me, not one! O Luka, please come back, Luka, don't leave me!
DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!
Yours,
Eternally, lovingly,
Terminal VIII.
