A/N: A little something inspired by One Republic's "If I Lose Myself " and this adorable couple that I can't get enough of. I think it will be fun ride, as long as you like your romance with a heavy dose of angst. Although I had planned it to be a one-shot, I decided to put it into parts, so there will be at least one more (if not two, as I might be inclined to write some smut and add more drama, because I can).
If you would like to read something more Tolkien-ish, I suggest my other story, "Into the Woods". Although it's not Thranduil/Tauriel, but eventual Thranduil/OC, I think it's still worth checking out.
For now, please enjoy this piece of my overflowing imagination. If you will like it, please favourite and review. I really appreciate your input! :)
Enjoy!
LIGHT STARTS TO TREMBLE
PART 1
One year in the life of a mortal is nothing more than a blink of an eye for an elf, nothing more than a single exhale of breath.
It is one of the fundamental truths of the universe and Tauriel has known it long before her encounter with Kili, which admittedly doesn't make his death any less painful. Maybe it is more because their time has been cut short in the most brutal way possible or maybe she just never gave much thought to the fact that he would have died long before her anyhow, but it makes her suffer all the same.
On most days the pain and grief are just below the surface, ready to ensnare her at any given moment, but they are dormant which in turn makes them more bearable. She can live with the hum of longing and the feeling of loss without missing a step, she really can. It is in those rare moments though, as few and far between as they are, when her mind betrays her with vivid images of Kili's last moments in the land of living playing in front of her eyes over and over again that she truly remembers why she has never wanted to fall in love.
Before she met him, there was no one else who has been able to capture her attention. Although she knew Legolas had feelings for her that reached beyond friendship, they had never addressed them nor did they feel the need to do so.
Now things are much different. They can no longer pretend that there is nothing more to his behaviour towards her and so she doesn't blame him for leaving. Letting go of a loved one who has already passed away is difficult enough, so she can't picture how hard it is to do so when the object of your affections is alive, but still completely out of your reach.
She lets Legolas go with no goodbye, because she is too heartbroken and too preoccupied with her grief to care. Later she regrets her silence and cries herself to sleep over the fact that she has just lost her dearest friend. She doesn't even know if she will ever see him again.
In the end, she grieves not only for Kili, but for Legolas as well.
-o-o-o-
For some reason she does not want to understand, King Thranduil allows her to come back to Mirkwood and gives her back her title.
She is once again Captain of the Guard, but the second time she receives the honours is so bittersweet she can't keep a smile on her face during the ceremony, much less make it reach her eyes. The guards are overjoyed, having missed her rule more than she imagined possible, and it's nice to feel welcomed when the guilt for leaving at such a dire time still eats away at her consciousness.
Work makes her forget.
Killing spiders makes her forget.
Fighting orcs makes her forget.
Being home doesn't make her forget, but it helps her heal.
She never thanks the king for what she knows is an uncharacteristic sign of kindness on his part and a gesture she would have never expect out of him, but she withholds them. He had done it for Legolas, not for her. That's what she believes, at least. It wouldn't be right to thank for something that was not meant to please her.
All the same, the words she has spoken to him in Dale are still fresh in her mind and she regrets saying them, because she knows, just like she knew back then, that they are far from truth. He loves his kingdom and Mirkwood is not an easy place to love. Although the forest is slowly dying, consumed by darkness and disease, he tries to protect his people and she knows he would die for them, if his sacrifice would guarantee their safety.
Even if she doesn't agree with his methods or his politics, she still thinks that at least he is fighting where most would have given up a long time ago.
She can admire his dedication while still detesting his way of achieving things.
As she works and lives on, and starts to return to herself step by step, she realizes that they are maybe a bit more similar than she would have liked.
Loss destroys those who suffer because of it and Tauriel knows it, just like her king knows it. Sometimes she recalls the sincerity in his voice when he admitted that her love for Kili was true. She remembers the pained look in his eyes and the clear reflection of her grief in his face.
Far from impassive and distant, he has showed her a part of himself that day on the Ravenhill.
In her heart of hearts, she knows it's also part of the reason why he let her come back – not just for Legolas, but because he understand loss like no one else – and that's why she cannot hate him anymore.
-o-o-o-
The first time she realizes that her love for Kili may not have been love is during a patrol.
Too much time to think leaves her wondering about what-ifs. Still alert and ready to fight, she imagines all the different possibilities of what their life could have been like and comes to a rather startling conclusion that she will never know if any of them would have come true, because she didn't know Kili well enough. Those are just the things she would have wanted, but they lack his input.
She grieves not for him really, she realizes with a new wave of sorrow, but for the lost chance at happiness and the idea of love that has slipped through her fingers
Maybe, she thinks bitterly to herself, she wasn't in love with him at all.
-o-o-o-
Moving on becomes easier as the months go by.
With each passing day she pushes away her regrets further and further away, and welcomes back a bit of hope for the future. She is still young and, as Lady Narie, the head healer, likes to say, it is too early to mourn for what is yet to come.
She thinks that it's not a bad philosophy at all.
-o-o-o-
It is roughly three years after the battle – three years after Kili's death and three years after her life has changed – when Tauriel looks death in the eye yet again.
The weather is beautiful as it hasn't been in years. Early spring colours the forest near the King's Halls in bright shades of green. The air smells like flowers, fresh grass, and sunlight, and it's no wonder that so many elves are enjoying the merits of the season outside. The king is amongst them, taking a stroll with his advisors and a small group of guards. Tauriel is a few steps behind him with her hand on the hilt of one of her daggers just in case, but she is otherwise at ease. Or as at ease as one can been when guarding their king.
She listens to the court ladies as they giggle while collecting flowers to make wreaths and observes the young elflings as their run about, causing havoc. A smile stretches across her face at all the happiness that surrounds her, because it is such a rarity in those dark times.
Her eyes wander to Thranduil.
He is wearing his spring crown, adorned with snowdrops and fresh green leaves. His robes are made of fine silk and light blue in colour, like the sky above, and enwrought with silver and golden threads. The pattern reminds her of clouds swirling in the wind or maybe even the wind itself. His hair is unbound with no braids or additional ornaments. It falls over his broad shoulders and reaches his waist, seemingly snow-white in the dazzling light of the afternoon sun.
As she looks at him, she admits to herself for the first time that he is indeed impossibly beautiful in the most captivating way.
A shadow moves in the trees to her left. Her blood runs cold when she recognizes it for what it is – a she-spider ready to attack.
How the wretched creature managed to get so close to the fortress without detection is beyond Tauriel's understanding and it scares her to see it there, because it makes her realize that this picture of serenity and idleness she had been observing for the better part of the day is just a mere picture. It doesn't reflect the reality of their life in those cursed woods.
She knows that she has only her own hands and a dagger to fight with, and that there is no time to think of a plan or to ask for a different weapon. The ungol is quiet, but fast, and in the end Tauriel is forced to act before she can even think about what she is doing.
She pushes Thranduil out of the way just in time to bury one of her daggers into the spider to the hilt. A pained cry escapes her lips as the creature sinks its teeth where her neck meets her shoulder, acutely aware that she is going to die from that injury, but not really bothered by the fact. She twists the blade and pushes the spider away. It falls on its back, screeching loudly, and then finally dies at her feet. She stumbles a few steps before someone wraps their arms around her, catching her before she has a chance to hit the ground.
In her last moments she thinks about Kili and Legolas, and Thranduil, and her parents.
She is glad that her friend will not need to come back to bury his father and that the people in her homeland will not be saying goodbye to their beloved king. There is a bit of disappointment, when she realizes that Lady Narie was wrong in assuming that she will live long enough to find love again and it makes her sad, because she would have really liked to be a mother and a wife, but she will never have a chance to be either now. She awaits for tears or anger, but she neither comes. Instead, her heart fills with hope of seeing her parents after so many years.
Her sacrifice isn't the most intelligent thing she has ever done, but decisions fuelled by emotions seldom are. Then again her life is worth less than that of the king, no matter how utterly unfair it seems, and she would do anything to protect him, just like he had been protecting her.
She should have apologized to him, she thinks, when she had a chance, because he has been right about her in more ways than one and she has been so very wrong about him.
Sadly, it is too late for it now.
There are screams and voices, and hushes whispers all around her, and she is already slipping away. She can barely see the sky, but she feels the warmth of the elf who is holding her. The fact that she is not alone in her last moments makes her smile.
"Don't die," she hears someone say before the darkness takes her. "Please, don't die."
