pChapter 1/p
pGlimpses of the drowning haunt my sleep. The kiss, the goodbye, and the body all torture my mind. I can remember it as clear as the sand on the water that day. I wake up with a gasp, drenched sheets clasped in my fingers and the sound of clashing waves in my head. I can feel something wet drip down my pale, smooth cheek. There's a metallic taste in my mouth and my lips are all chapped from constantly being bitten. I don't want to remember this, but yet I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to forget but the memory's too unbearable to stay. I can't go back to sleep now, I begrudgingly get up and check the time. 3:00 am, "God is it that early"? and dawdle to the bathroom. I put the light on the bathroom and look into the mirror. I'm starting to look emaciated but I can't eat anymore, my collarbones sticking out like two pins. /p
pBut what is frightening even more, is my eyes. James used to always say my eyes looked like molten gold "Your eyes remind of the sun Kelly, never think you're eyes aren't beautiful". My eyes used to be bright and full of happiness, but now are blank and dull. My hair which used to glow caramel in the sun, now falls limp against my shoulder blades. The worst thing is, is that I don't even care. I don't care about the way I look anymore, the world's just an empty place now. The world took what I loved the most and there's no changing back now. I turn the tap on and I splash water on my face, the hot water sinking into my pores. I look at the water swirling down the drain, its almost peaceful. Flashback of the drowning, the crying, the tent and his gorgeous smile fill my head. I cry out and retch into the sink, nothing coming up. I collapse on the floor, breath coming out in small, whimpering gasps. I hear my name, "Kelly, Kelly its ok Kelly, calm down" in a soft, gentle voice and feel a light touch on my shoulders. As If someone was hugging me from behind, but how?. How?, there's no one here. "What are you"? I cry out, my breath wheezing, my voice raspy. "James"?, "James is that you"?. No reply, I slowly get up and hold onto the sink as my legs tremble under my weight. I look into the mirror, " This can't be real, this is not real" I think in my head " I'm making this up". I look into the mirror with confusion. I'm slowly losing my grip on this world, my sanity slowly thinning out. As I stare at the mirror I see a blurry reflection behind me, it looks like James. I spin around, there's no one there. I run my hands through my hair, shaking my brain, trying to get it to work again. "I'm sleepwalking" I whisper to myself. I slowly walk back to my bed and collapse under the sheets, as I fade back to sleep. I hear the sheets being pulled up and my face being caressed and a voice "I'm still here". /p
pI wake up, I look over at the alarm. 12:30am. "Shit", I yell out and scurry out of the bed. Then I realized it's Saturday, no work today and I breathe a sigh of relief. The job is not much of a job, but it's still a job. Was that a dream last night? I don't know anymore and I put fresh clothes on, brush my teeth and head out to the closest Starbucks for a coffee hit and maybe if I'm hungry a double choc-chip muffin. Its hard for me to go out anymore, I see his face and hear his voice everywhere, but I still try. I lock the apartment door and take the steep stairs down. The run-down apartment is old but it has a homely feel to it. I only see the owner when he wants rent and I usually keep on it, so he doesn't bug me like he does with the others. The walls are a boring beige and the entire building screams plain but it works and its cheap. I walk out into the city streets and I feel the sun hit on my face. It the most amazing sensation, to have the sun envelope the face. I love it, I head into the coffee scented shop and take my scarlet coat off and hang it on the coat rack. I order my coffee and decide not to eat and I sit down on the brittle, sturdy chair and read the 3 month old newspaper splayed out in front of me. "Lovely day isn't it"? I look up and there's James, his dark curly hair, his gorgeous dimpled smile "James"? I ask, "Excuse me" James says, but he wasn't, this man had brown eyes instead of piercing blue hazel. "Oh,sorry thought you were someone else". I reply back shyly. The man chuckled "Honey you can call me whatever you want", and walked away. I smile to myself, that's probably the funniest thing that has happened to me for a while. I grab my coffee and sit back down. "He's no good for you", I hear and whip my head around but there's no one around and I sit down and focus on the delicious coffee. I've nearly finished when I hear a familiar voice, I look up and there's Miles and Davy talking to each other. "Miles, Davy" I call out and they both see me and smile. Davy comes and hugs me first, "Hey Kelly, how you doing ?, you look great". Davy is always so kind and gentle, he just likes to help other people. He was amazing to James at the road trip we had, carrying him, giving him medicine. We all took turns looking after James but Davy was the main carer and I was the comforter. The one who held James when he was scared, the one who gave him a relationship experience before he died. And i'll never regret it. "I'm doing great, thanks Davy, how are you doing Miles"? Miles just stood there, cold as usual, don't know how he got Rebecca but he did. " I'm alright, thanks Kelly", in that always professional tone. Davy was scruffy, as usual but it was the best look on him. His long hair falling into his eyes, the smell of faint cigarettes wafting of his clothes. Miles however looked as pristine as ever, his blonde hair coifed back and he smelt of aftershave and cologne. "So where's Bill?, i asked, " He's at the clinic, with Abbey for the ultrasound" Miles said. We all sat down and ordered coffee and I decided to order that muffin after all. We haven't seen each other since the funeral so it was great to see them again and somehow I just feel that James is watching us and smiling, with a tear trickling down his eye./p
