Title: The Myth of Tabula Rasa
Author: Henrietta
Summary: I know what they say about me.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Brenda Hampton, Aaron Spelling and probably some folks over at the WB. I have absolutely no desire to make any money off this.
Notes: The continual trashing of Mary by every member of the Camden family is puzzling at best, given that by most normal standards, Mary is the most successful and well adjusted of all the Camden kids. It's become almost reflexive at this point, and it must have taken a toll on Mary, though it's not likely the show will ever address it. Hence, this little fic, which I've been kicking around for quite some time. For timeline purposes, this falls somewhere in season 8.
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I know what they say about me.
I hear their voices, my father's baritone blending with Lucy's high-pitched urgency, the twins lisping chatter. Their words are well worn, familiar, like an old pair of shoes.
Stupid.
Irresponsible.
Disappointment.
Failure.
Disgrace.
When I close my eyes I can see them. Mom's lips pursed tightly as she spits out the words like tacks. Dad's brow creased with concern, his eyes damp, his voice choked. Ruthie's mouth drawn into a mean little smirk. Lucy's wild gestures. Simon's quiet disdain. Their fingers always pointing, always accusing.
They're careful not to say the words to my face. They say them to each other instead, to the neighbors, to the members of the church, to our friends, to anyone who will listen. They casually slide their evidence of my unworthiness into conversation, as if they were merely talking about the weather. "It's been such a warm winter, and did you hear what silly thing Mary's done now?" They think it won't get back to me, or maybe they just don't care.
I'm a Camden, I hear the gossip. The whispers that stop when I enter the room, the voices of the church ladies that get just a bit louder when I pass by, the giggles and the pitying looks. The stories fly around town unchecked, unchallenged. The time when my family would stand against them has long since passed.
The family is standing together now, though it's not for me. They've rallied around Simon, protecting him from the anger and outrage as best they can. They are there for him in his hour of need like they never were for me. He is worthy of their defense. I am not.
----
The gym was a mistake, I'll admit that. We were angry, about the lockout, about the public humiliation, and about the nagging truth that we had brought it all upon ourselves. People do stupid things when they're angry. I am no exception. Do I regret it? Of course I do, but that doesn't matter.
They wipe your record clean when you turn eighteen, erasing your youthful indiscretions, letting you step into adulthood with a blank slate. They understand that a mistake you made when you were a kid shouldn't ruin the rest of your life. They understand that people can change.
Yes, there were some missteps after I completed my community service, fulfilled the obligations of my probation. I was confused about my future, unsure of what direction my life was going in. Like many other teenagers, I wasn't ready to go to college, yet wasn't prepared for the responsiblity and demands of a full-time job. I made mistakes. I made the same mistakes as thousands of my peers. And ultimately, I learned from them.
I have a job now, a career. I have a husband I love and a beautiful baby boy. I live on the other side of the country, in my own home. I am independent, confident, successful. I have done what my siblings have not. I have made a life for myself on my own terms. And still their words follow me.
My legal record may have been erased, but my mistakes will live on forever in the record of my family. To them, I will always be the stupid, irresponsible little girl whose greatest mistake was failing to live my life according to their plan. In the Camden house, there is no absolution.
