I don't own any of the characters, except for the OC's, so no one can sue me for copyright infringement. Also, I haven't really seen too many of the new episodes of "Yu-Gi-Oh!", so Kaiba will still be wearing the black outfit with the crazy white vest. This is my first attempt at a humorous fanfic, so while I will appreciate any helpful tips, please DO NOT flame me. Okay, let's get started, shall we?

Chapter 1: Kidnappings

A sinister force brooded in the darkness. "Soon," he said to himself, his voice deep and booming. "Soon, the first phase of my brilliant plan will unfold, and no one will be able to stop it! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Suddenly, a nagging female voice rang out from the next room, screaming, "Katz! I thought I told you to go to bed!"

"Aw, Mom!" the first voice became high-pitched and slightly nasal. "I'm thirty-five years old, mother! I should be allowed to stay up later than eight o'clock!"

"Katz, if I have to come in there, you're going to get a spanking!" his mother replied.

"Yes, mother…" he muttered, ignoring her orders and turning his attention back to his dark plans.

In the Gaea Crater, a blue-eyed man with spiky blond hair did battle with a tall, slender man with silver hair and cat-pupiled green eyes. The two men's swords, one a huge crystal blade of impossible size, the other an eight-foot katana, clashed against each other and sent sparks flying into the darkness. "Your skill has improved, I see," the silver haired man sneered, "But it isn't enough to defeat me, Cloud!"

"Oh, shut up Sephiroth!" the blond man shouted.

Whatever else he might have said was cut off as a pair of flying monkeys in red fezzes swooped down on the battling swordsmen from above, and carried them off into the sky. A third monkey, who was carrying a dark-haired man in a red cloak, soon joined them. Cloud tried to yell something at the new man, but his winged captor pressed an odd-smelling rag to his face, and he quickly lost consciousness.

On the continent of Centra, a dark-haired young man named Squall Leonheart suppressed the urge to strangle his bouncy, blond-haired companion. "For the last time, Zell; no, Edea is NOT going to have hot dogs at her cookout!"

"But WHY?" Zell whined, absentmindedly scratching at the tattoo on the left side of his face. "If it's a cook-out, then there should be hot dogs."

Another young man, one with orange hair and a gray trench coat, arrived and said, "Chicken-wuss, you need to stop thinking with your damn stomach!"

"Leave him alone, Seifer. We don't have time for…" Squall's complaint was cut off as he vanished in a puff of bright pink smoke.

"Squall? Seifer, what did you do?" Zell demanded, turning on the taller boy with fury.

"Me? Why the hell is it always my fault?" Seifer yelled

The two arguing teenagers also vanished in puffs of pink smoke, leaving their companions to wonder what happened.

It was raining in Domino City, and Joey Wheeler was feeling a little stir-crazy. "Man, I am SO bored!" he yawned as he glumly stared out the hospital window.

"We don't care if you're bored, Wheeler!" Seto Kaiba growled at him. "I'm tired of hearing you whimper like a little dog, so just do all of us a favor and shut up!"

Yugi Mutoh nervously ran his fingers through his multicolored hair and said, "Come on, you guys! I know that you don't want to be here, but we all promised that we would wait while the doctors separated Tristan and Mokuba, so we need to just settle down."

"What I don't get is how those two ended up glued together like that," Yami replied, taking over Yugi's body. "I mean, who in the world would leave an open bucket of Crazy Glue lying on top of a rickety shelf?"

Kaiba muttered something under his breath about multiple personality disorders, while Joey chuckled nervously and said, "Um, Yugi? That was me."

Yami's eyes went wide as his blond friend slowly turned around and saw Kaiba's enraged look. "And I suppose the bag of feathers was your idea, too?" The hacker held up a pillowcase full of chicken feathers. Joey's face paled, and the only thing he could say was, "Whoops!"

Before anyone could do anything, however, another trio of flying monkeys smashed through the hospital window and grabbed Yugi, Joey, and Kaiba, just as Tristan and Mokuba came out of the ER. They, along with the entire staff on that floor, stared in amazement as the creepy primates carried off the three duelists.

In the Farplane, St. Peter gave a long-suffering sigh as Seymour Guado made his complaint for what had to be the bazillionth time. "I just don't see why Tidus gets to go back to Spira," the maester complained. "He's just a stupid dream, and he's going back to be with my WIFE!"

"Ah, she didn't really want to marry you anyway," Tidus told him, his eyes flashing wickedly. "Who could blame her? Your coat is attached to your nipples, and you have handlebars growing out the sides of your head, for cryin' out loud! Did you grow those so Mika would have something to hold onto while you were 'entertaining' him?"

"No, but your mother seemed to like pulling them while I was tapping her," Seymour retorted, a vicious sneer on his face.

"ENOUGH!" roared St. Peter, his face turning red. "Tidus, you get to go back, so just shut up already. Seymour, you're lucky that the Farplane doesn't have a Hell, otherwise I'd ship your ass there for all the shit you've pulled!"

Just then, Auron strolled up, along with Jecht and Braska. The guardian and the summoner were listening to the blitz star's joke with some amusement. "So, anyway, the nun tells the barkeeper…" he stopped and looked at Tidus. "Are you STILL here, boy? I thought that you were going back to find Yuna."

Before Tidus could reply, a black hole opened up in the floor and sucked him up, along with Seymour and Auron. After the hole disappeared, Jecht yelled, "Holy shit! What just happened?"

St. Peter let out a sigh of relief, and Braska looked up at him and said, "Aren't you a little worried about what just happened?"

The saint replied, "Are you out of your mind? I'm fucking stoked that I don't have to listen to Seymour's whining anymore!"

On a distant mountaintop, three warriors prepared to engage in battle with one another. One was an Asian monk dressed in red, and he was armed with a long scarlet pole. The second man was a samurai with hair that stuck out in a weird spray behind his head, and he carried a katana. The third man appeared to be a knight, but his torso was bare, and his right arm looked like it belonged to a demon. He pushed his long golden hair out of his face, and pointed his one-eyed sword at his two pursuers.

"Go away, you fools! Soul Edge belongs to me!" the weird knight snarled.

The monk looked at him sadly and said, "No, Nightmare, it's the other way around. If we don't destroy that sword, then it will consume you!"

"We can't destroy it!" the samurai yelled. "Kilik, you must be out of your mind if you think that I'll just let you have it. How do I know you don't just want it for yourself?"

Nightmare lashed at both of them with the Soul Edge and said, "Neither one of you are getting this sword because it belongs to ME!"

Kilik the Monk looked appalled. "Oh, come on, now you're both being childish! Mitsurugi, Nightmare, the sword is bad, and it needs to be destroyed…"

"Nightmare started it!" the samurai accused. "He's the one who's trying to kill everyone, so I shouldn't get in trouble."

"Oh, yeah?" the dark knight sneered. "Well, you sure as hell weren't going to have any tea parties with it. You tried to take it from me, so YOU started it, Mitsurugi!"

"Did not!"

"Uh, huh!"

Things continued in that vein for a while, but Kilik finally lost all patience with them. "STOP! I don't care which one of you started it, but I'm going to finish it! Now, give me that sword, or I'll…"

They never found out what he was going to do, because the three of them were suddenly engulfed a thick white fog that sent them all into a deep sleep.

Katz watched the proceedings through the bathroom mirror and cackled, "Yes! The first part of my master plan is complete! Now all I have to do is…"

"God damn it, Katz! I thought I told you to stop playing with yourself in the bathroom!" his mother yelled, banging on the door.

"I'm not playing with myself! I'm reveling in my evil, so if you don't mind, can I have a little privacy?"

"I'd better not come in there and find a mess, do you hear me?"

"Yes, mother," he sighed, deactivating the spell he had cast on the mirror.

Katz left the bathroom and went back to bed, where he continued his triumphant gloating in silence.

Okay, that's the end of chapter 1. I hope that everyone liked it, so review and let me know what you think. I know you're all wondering what Katz could possibly be plotting that would involve all those people, but I can't tell you that, yet. All I can say is that it'll either be funny, stupid as hell, or both of those. Also, I couldn't remember if Kilik was a monk, or a priest, or whatever, so I just picked a job for him.