"I can't feel you," Jackson muttered helplessly. Upon hearing this Aaron could feel his heart tear in two. He could feel his boyfriends arm, he could feel the heat he felt through his fingertips like he did every time he touched Jackson. Could Jackson really not feel him? Was this real? This didn't feel real.
Aaron felt like he was watching this scene as an outsider. He saw Jackson laying there in the hospital bed, completely powerless, no control over what was happening to his own body. He saw Hazel turned away from her little boy, so he wouldn't see her cry. And he saw himself standing there pathetically with tears streaming down his face. He had no idea what to do, what to say. All he could do was stand there and cry while the man he cares so much for, the man that he has never seen so vulnerable, the man that he always saw being so strong loses all hope for the future, all hope for his life.
As Aaron watched his lover trying to even begin to cope with the news that he may never be able to move again, all he wanted to do was turn back time. He couldn't believe that just a week or so ago he and Jackson were laughing and dancing with Paddy and Marlon at Bar West. He couldn't think of anything he wouldn't give to go back to that night. That night started with nothing but possibilities and ended with nothing but unimaginable tragedy.
After the initial reaction to the news Jackson began to calm. Aaron sat by his side the whole time. "I think I need a stretch," Hazel declared to no one in particular as she stood up and raised her arms above her head. "I'll be back in a few minutes love," she said as she bent down and placed a soft kiss on her son's forehead. He closed his eyes tight as his mother kissed him, relishing in the sensation he still did have. Hazel gave her son a forced smile and nodded at Aaron as she walked out of the hospital room.
After Hazel left neither men knew what to do. Aaron wanted to talk, wanted to do or say anything to make Jackson feel better, but he had no idea where to start. Jackson just lied there, starring at the ceiling. Aaron looked down in his lap, nervously fidgeting with his thumbs. He looked up and saw tears welling in his boyfriend's eyes. Aaron jumped up from his seat as if her were sitting on fire.
"Jackson…I...I" Aaron couldn't get out what he was trying to say. He wanted to look Jackson in the eye when he apologized, but he couldn't bring himself to actually do it. He turned away from him and with his head bent towards the floor began again, "I don't know what to do here Jackson. I'm, I'm so sorry." He choked the words out as he felt a sob coming on.
Silence rang in the room for what felt like an eternity. Aaron heard Jackson mumble something behind him, it was completely inaudible, and so he finally turned around. "What was that?"
"I said get out!" Jackson spat out with such force that Aaron felt like he had been slapped.
"Wha…What? You want me to leave?" Aaron asked bewildered. He thought that Jackson would be angry at him, but he hadn't asked him to leave yet.
"Are you dense?" Jackson continued to spit out. "I don't want you here Aaron. All you ever did was bring me trouble and pain. Get out. I don't ever want to see you again."
Aaron couldn't trust his ears. He knew this couldn't be happening. He felt beyond terrible about what happened, he didn't think he could possibly feel any worse, until he heard Jackson say those words but he still couldn't get his feet to move. It was like he too was paralyzed. When he wasn't moving he could see tears stream down the older man's face.
"GET OUT! GET OUT! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE AARON LIVESY. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"
Aaron sprang up in his bed a cold sweat all over his body. Breathing heavily he attempted to let his eyes adjust to his surroundings. After a moment he saw where he was. He was in his bedroom at the Smithy Cottage not a hospital room. For a moment he didn't understand. Clearly he had been dreaming, but it felt so real. Then a thought shot into his mind and he caressed his hand over the other side of his tiny bed. Nothing, it was empty. He began to panic again. What if this wasn't a dream? Where was Jackson? Hadn't he remembered him coming home with him after Bar West?
As Aaron let himself span a thousand different conspiracy theories he heard his door open and saw a figure walk into his room. It was so dark that he couldn't see who it was until he felt a dip next to him on his bed. What he saw made his heart flip in his chest. It was Jackson. It was clearly a walking, healthy, and shirtless Jackson. He felt an indescribable amount of relief flood over him. He grabbed his boyfriend and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck.
"Jackson…Jackson. Where were you?" Aaron found himself pleading.
"Whoa relax mate, I was in the bathroom." Jackson pulled back and saw genuine terror in his boyfriend's eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?" Jackson asked as he began stroking the back of his hand on Aaron's cheek.
Aaron grabbed Jackson's hand in his and brought it to his lips. He kissed every knuckle frantically and brought his boyfriend's hand to his heart. "I was so scared Jackson."
"Of what?" Jackson inquired, growing increasingly more worried by Aaron's behavior.
"I had a terrible dream Jackson. It was so real. You…we…" Aaron was all over the place and wasn't making sense.
Jackson took control and lyed Aaron back on the bed. He lyed back to so that half of his body was covering Aaron's. As he began to stroke through the younger man's cropped hair he said, "Relax baby. It's ok, you're safe, I'm safe. Tell me what happened."
Aaron took a deep breath and began his tale of his dream. "It was tonight. But we had a row and you drove off crashed and then your car got hit by a train. Then you were paralyzed and you hated me. You blamed me and told me all I do is bring you trouble and pain."
Aaron finished his story and looked up at his boyfriend, waiting. Jackson realized this was the point when he reacts to the dream, "Well that is scary. I got in an accident AND got hit by a train? Is your dreamland a soap opera or something?" Jackson chuckled at his attempt to lighten the mood.
"Jackson it's not funny." Aaron stated exasperated at Jackson's attempt at humor. He sighed and quietly asked, "You don't feel that way do you?"
"Feel what way?" Jackson asked.
"That all I do is bring you trouble and pain?" Aaron asked as he looked away from Jackson, fearing the answer.
"Of course not Aaron, it was just a dream." Jackson tried to regain eye contact with Aaron but the younger man wouldn't look at him.
It was Jackson's turn to be frustrated. He grabbed Aaron's face in his hand and moved it until their eyes met. "Look at me Aaron. Trust what I'm saying, because I wouldn't lie to you. I do not feel that way. If I did I wouldn't be here with you in your bed. I want to be here. I want to be with you." Jackson sealed this declaration with a sweet but lingering kiss on his boyfriend's smooth lips.
Jackson pulled back and rested his forehead against Aaron's. Jackson took a deep breath as he slowly ran his hands down Aaron's chest. Aaron followed and ran his hands down Jackson's smooth back. He too took a deep breath as he prepared himself to tell Jackson something that he was now absolutely positive of.
"Jackson." He whispered in the dark.
"Hmm…?" Jackson purred as he began trailing kisses down Aaron's neck.
Aaron was silent for a moment, terrified of saying those words that he was longing to release and distracted by having Jackson's mouth on his neck. He let out the breath that he didn't realize he was holding and said, "I love you."
Jackson immediately stopped his ministrations on his lover and shot up, looking Aaron in the eye. He wasn't sure if he heard him right. Maybe he imagined hearing those words that he so longed to hear Aaron say to him. He looked at Aaron with an unbelieving smirk, waiting for him to understand the look and repeat it.
Aaron easily understood the look on his boyfriend's face. He knew that Jackson wouldn't take this declaration easily; after all he did when Jackson first told him. "I love you Jackson." This time Jackson knew he heard this right. By the look in Aaron's eyes, a look of genuine sincerity, he knew that he was telling him the truth. Aaron really did love him after all. Jackson couldn't help the grin that slayed on his face from ear to ear. At this, Aaron also let a grin just as big if not bigger on his own face.
Jackson bit his lip as he gazed down on his boyfriend. "I love you Aaron." Aaron barely gave Jackson enough time to finish speaking before he crashed his lips against the older man's. Jackson quickly responded by running his tongue along Aaron's lower lip, pleading for entrance. Aaron gratefully opened his mouth allowing Jackson's tongue to massage his sending electricity straight to his cock.
As the kiss deepened the two men began to allow their hands to wander. Aaron's hands pulled at Jackson's curls while Jackson began running his hands down Aaron's body, stopping to tweak a nipple, making Aaron squirm beneath him. As Aaron's squirming continued Jackson pulled away from the heat of the kiss and began to trail sloppy hot kisses down Aaron's jaw and neck. Aaron began to breathe harder as Jackson continued down his body. When Jackson got to a nipple he stopped and took it in his mouth. Aaron couldn't control his moaning as Jackson sucked him so hard he knew he'd be sore in the morning.
"Jackson." Aaron moaned as his boyfriend continued down even lower, licking his way down Aaron's torso until he reached the top of his shorts. Jackson could clearly see Aaron's arousal and began softly stroking it through the material while he gently kissed and sucked the muscles of Aaron's stomach. Aaron threw his head back against his pillow and allowed himself to get lost in the touch of the man he loved.
As Aaron relished in the feeling of his boyfriend's hand on his cock, the sensation suddenly left. Before Aaron had time to react, his shorts were off and his aching cock was in Jackson's warm mouth. Jackson licked the head teasing the younger man then proceeded to take the entire length into his mouth causing Aaron to buck his hips and let out what could only be described as a whine. When Jackson could tell that Aaron was well on his way to coming, he abruptly pulled his mouth away from his boyfriend, moved up his body and claimed his mouth once again.
Jackson then pulled back slightly too just look at his lover beneath him. His breath uneven, his face flushed, he thought that he had never seen anything more beautiful. As he starred Aaron became impatient and in one swift motion flipped Jackson onto his back. Aaron quickly straddled his boyfriend so that their erections were touching and eagerly began rubbing himself along Jackson. They both let out low growls at this movement and then Aaron decided he couldn't wait any longer. He reached into a drawer and fished for the lube he had left behind for the hundreds of time Jackson had him writhing beneath him.
Aaron quickly lathered Jackson's aching member with the smooth liquid and then slowly impaled himself on his lover with a loud moan. It burned from the lack of preparation but Aaron didn't care. He began vigorously moving up and down on his boyfriend only to make Jackson throw his head back in pleasure.
"Look at me Jackson." Aaron moaned through unsteady breaths. Jackson immediately obliged and looked straight into the Aaron's eyes as he firmly grasped his hips and began meeting each thrust. It wasn't long until they were both panting from the exertion on the edge of climax. Jackson was the first to lose it, watching his boyfriend ride his cock into oblivion. Aaron followed behind quickly and collapsed panting on top of his boyfriend.
Jackson slowly and gently eased himself out of the tight warmth that was Aaron. He then pulled Aaron into a warm embrace. As they lay together attempting to regulate their heart beats Jackson leaned so close to Aaron that his lips brushed his earlobe as he spoke, "You ought to have nightmares more often."
Aaron only chuckled and burrowed further into Jackson's chest, and he knew now that there was no place he'd rather be.
