"which do you prefer," she says. "sex or violence?"

I try to smile. "what's the difference, really…"

she laughs nervously. When I don't join her, she abruptly stops.

Can she do that…isn't it against the rules to laugh at a patient?

Apparently not.

Throughout the hour and a half, she laughs many times while I continue to be very serious.

She casually asks me how my love life is.

Love life? I'm 15 and struggling for ANY life… don't ask me about my love life.

I try to explain Paul. She laughs.

I try to tell her how hard it is for me to see him, to think about him, or even say his name.

Finally, she starts to show a little interest in what I'm saying.

I try to explain.

I told her that I loved him more then anything, but I hated him enough to kill him.

She scribbles on her notepad. That makes me nervous.

I hurriedly tell her that it's all over now.

"Why?" She says, and raises her eyebrow.

I raise mine to, "because it needed to."

"Why" she repeats

"I don't know..." I sigh and lean back on the couch.

She looks at me for a moment, calculating. I stare back. She thinks I'm crazy…

She asks me to tell her the whole story. I look at her blankly. Now I think SHE'S crazy...even I think my relationship was fucked up

I tell her it all. It takes an hour.