Chapter 1 ~
I woke up, startled by my alarm. It's always the same way every morning. I rub the sleep out of my eyes, and stretch my arms over my head. Any minute now dad will be yelling up the stairs, telling me to get up. I slowly get up and head into the bathroom. After doing my business, I run a face pad over my face. I turn on the tap and put my toothbrush under it. After rinsing my mouth out, I finally look at my reflection staring back at me.
We both have bags under our eyes, and our faces are starting to break out. If that other side of the mirror is an alternate universe, I know he has a better life then me. He has the bags under his eyes and the blemishes because of late study sessions, guaranteeing him the spot at the top of his class. Not because of his nightmares coming back and barely being able to lay down on his back. The other Kurt would also not become lazy on his appearance, he would be popular, and not hated for his sexuality. He wouldn't be thrown into dumpsters, and shoved into lockers.
He probably still has his mother. Most importantly he would be loved. I shake my head, pushing away the thoughts of a better life that I know I can never have. I hold back the tears that my eyes always seem to be filled with now. It's the only emotion I can still feel. Maybe all of my other emotions disintegrated into thin air. Or perhaps given to someone else who deserved them. It doesn't really matter to me. I've learned how to cover up what I really feel. Nobody seems to notice though. I guess no ones able to break down the wall I've put up. If they only knew that every morning I plaster on a smile, and pretend my life is the best.
What they all don't know is every time I get a minute alone, I start to cry. They don't know how many scars and bruises line my body. They don't know how much crap I take everyday. They don't know what I've been through. They don't know that I make elaborate plans on ways to die. They don't know that I'm secretly obsessed with all the ideas on 1000 Ways to Die. They don't know that any minute I could fall into the deep end, and end it there.
I pick out an outfit that clearly doesn't match. But, no one in school will take a second glance my way. To everyone I'm a guy that supposedly dresses like a girl. I'm a guy that used to be a diva, a bitch, and had a lot of sass. But now, I'm just a guy whose been silenced. A guy whose hated everyday even by his "friends".
They pretended to be there for me when dad had his heart attack. But, looked on in disgust when I told them I didn't believe in God. I appreciated their help, but I knew it would come to an end eventually. It makes me wonder what they would do if I jumped off the edge. Would they try to save me? Or, will it be too late?
After slipping on my clothes, I take a comb to my hair and hairspray it in place. I look in my full length mirror, shaking my head in disbelief. I glance over at my pile of clothes in the corner. I walk over and pick out a loose fitting t-shirt, a pair of dark washed jeans, and a baggy sweatshirt. I quickly change again, and take in my appearance. I show the smallest hint of a smile before grabbing my bag and went to descend the stairs.
When I walk into the kitchen I find my father just putting down toast for me. I thank him, but silently I'm trying to make up an excuse. I barely eat anymore. Every time food drops down my throat, and into my stomach, it feels like acid is spreading through my body, and it might self-destruct any minute. I look at the clock for once happy that I have to leave for school. I awkwardly wave to him while leaving the room. I grab my keys before leaving the house.
When I slide into my car, I take a moment to just sit there. Maybe I can get away with skipping school again. No one will notice that I'm not there. Except for the jocks, they won't have anyone to throw pee balloons at. But, I decide it's best to go because it's Monday, I'll know what I'll be studying.
After I made my decision, I put the key in the ignition and slowly turned it, doubting my decision. Do I really care about what I'll miss? My mind says no, but my subconscious is making me pull out of the driveway and head to school. I pass by houses, businesses, and a gas station in a blur.
When I pull into the parking lot I see five jocks standing by the dumpster just waiting for a victim to pass. I've learned to park farthest away from the school, and that dumpster. I park in a space that is invisible to everyone, because I'm invisible.
I get into school a few minutes late just in case. I don't want to my favorite outfit to smell like garbage. All through out the day, I sit in classrooms counting down the minutes. The teachers know not to call on me because they know I won't answer. High school can silence you; it makes you feel like an outsider. But, when I look around, it seems like I'm the only one.
It seems like the only thought that keeps coming to my head is that I'm a junior. I just have one more year of this shit. I then come to the big question, "What do I want to do with my life?" and "What is my passion?" And the most logical question, "What dream do I have that can be crushed in a matter of seconds?" Then, I ask myself one more question. "Will I even make it that long?"
