IMPORTANT A/N: This series will be written as Journal Entries and throughout, you may see some things that you may have already seen/heard from the book/movie. This is because its written as if this is the very Journal in which Augustus wrote Hazel's eulogy. And so, to explain; when i imagine Gus writing the eulogy, i imagine him going through everything he ever wrote in his journal to help him find the perfect way to say how he feels. Also, some journal entries will be shorter than others, this is because, i don't know if im the only one but, when i write in my journal, some entries are a lot shorter than others simply because i don't know what else to say. But anyway, i hope you enjoy what i have in store! I've been working on this for months and i'm still not completely finished! I will try my very best to post one journal entry everyday. Enjoy!
Journal Entry #1
So, Doctor Cameron suggested that I should start writing journal entries every now and then. Apparently after all the trauma I've suffered, he thinks I need to vent some stuff in a more personal way than talking to others. I don't understand why. Writing in this old thing isn't going to bring Caroline or my leg back. But, I think I lost Caroline long before she died, and I guess losing my leg is way better than losing my life. I'm trying to deal with stuff, and I think I'm almost there. I've just gotta stop being so angry all the time. Mom and Dad keep putting up those stupid encouragements because they think I'm "depressed". I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Yesterday; I was playing Counterinsurgence with Isaac and I didn't sacrifice myself for the kids! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? I should be grateful. I'M ALIVE! See? I'm even angry because I'm angry! Caroline's dead, Isaac's doctor told him two days ago that he's going to be blind and I'm angry. My parents look at me like I'm a stranger and, I know he'd never say it but, Isaac can't stand to be around me. I just wanna be myself again.
Isaac suggested that I go to this Support Group that he goes to, he thinks it might help. I was really considering it until he told me that the guy who runs it is a middle-aged man, living in his parents basement who refers to the place as 'The Literal Heart of Jesus'. I'm not against religion or anything but, seriously? And I don't think it'd help my anger problem. How can I be angry when there's poor kids in this Support Group who are still living with cancer? I got a lucky escape from oblivion but some of these kids cant just give up a limb and survive. I'm such an ass. Its almost been a year now since I got the "all clear" and I still haven't done anything spectacular with my life, like, you'd think having cancer and then not having cancer would make me wanna go out into the world and make sure I leave my mark. Make sure that I'm remembered when oblivion does come eventually. But, I think the Support Group maybe my only chance to, at least, try and get back to being myself. I know that'd make Isaac and my parents happy, and I know that Caroline (the old Caroline) would be pretty pissed if she's watching me from wherever she is and she's sees me being the biggest douche in the universe. You know what? I'm going to that Support Group and starting tomorrow; my old self is gonna make a reappearance and he's gonna stick around for good! Wish me luck my leathery note-book friend.
A.W
