Summary: Ed compiles a list of things it seems only Al is capable of doing. And believe me; Ed's going to try them all. Relatively few kittens were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
A/N: Hiya everybody! This is my first fanfic, so I hope you all like it! Each chapter will probably have two or three items from Ed's list; most of the time, it will start with Al's version and Ed's attempt will follow. This will be set in the 2003 version of the anime except with the addition of Truth 'cause he's epic. reoccurring themes include: Subway sandwiches, referring to Mustang as "Colonel *insert colorful language here*", the military's psychiatric ward, and the deaths of many, many, MANY cats. However, because this story is called Relatively Few Kittens, you will see this: (*) whenever a cat meets an unfortunate end and this: (~) when a cat suffers severe mental and/or physical harm. Unless you are Roy Mustang, don't flame me.
Warnings: Extreme stupidity, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, and frequent Fuery bashing (nothing too bad).
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I own Subway or Crayons.
1. Call Ed short and live. (3rd person POV)
Mustang looked up from his paperwork and smirked at the red-and-gold-ticking-time-bomb in front of him. This was his favorite part of Fullmetal's visits.
"Well Fullmetal, it took a while, but I've finally found a mission befitting someone of your... stature," he stated calmly, still smirking at the short teen.
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN WALK UNDER AN ANT WITHOUT HITTING HIS HEAD, COLONEL BASTARD!?" Ed exploded and tried to strangle the older alchemist.
Al just sighed and flicked Ed's ear to quiet him. It worked; Ed swore loudly but then pouted and turned away to sulk. "Brother, if it's a mission that requires a midget like you, we have to go." The older Elric just huffed.
"Alphonse..." Roy started, flabbergasted. "Did you just call your brother," he glanced warily at his subordinate, "...a you-know-what without him yelling at you?"
Al looked confused for a moment. "What? Oh. Yeah, Brother never yells at me for calling him short; watch." He took a deep breath and tapped Ed's shoulder to get his attention. "YOU'RE SO SMALL THAT MOSQUITOES REFUSE TO BITE YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOOD TO MAKE A DECENT SNACK! NO ONE LOVES YOU 'CAUSE EVERYONE HATES PATHETIC LITTLE MIDGETS LIKE YOU!" (1)
Ed didn't even blink.
The Flame Alchemist gaped at the armored boy. "No way."
Al smirked. "Way. Where do you think he gets all his rants? He can't come up with all of them."
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Hello everybody! My name is Linebreak-sama!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Several rants from Al and Roy to Ed (and counter-rants from Ed to Roy) later, it was once again the Colonel's turn to insult the teen. "I got nothing," he admitted.
Al was about to reply, but suddenly, everyone's favorite genderless palm-tree came crashing through the ceiling because he's far too androgynous and... palm-treeish... to use the door. Or the window. Or a freakin' wall.
"Yo, pipsqueak! Did you shrink since the last time I saw you?" Envy mocked.
The shorty in question, however, didn't burst into one of his famous ravings. Edward Elric didn't move at all.
Al turned to the other two. "I think we broke him."
Ed's attempt (3rd person POV)
Ed sighed as he closed the door of his small military dorm bathroom behind him. 'This is never going to work,' he thought to himself, 'I do have some self control.'
With that, he looked into the mirror and said quietly, almost painfully, "I'm short."
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MINISCULE THEY WOULD BE BLOWN AWAY BY THE BREEZE WHEN SOMEONE TURNS THE PAGE OF A BOOK!?"
Ed stared at his mirror-self, dumbfounded. "Well damn."
2. Kittens. (Ed's POV)
We were in Central so I could give Colonel Jackass my report on our latest mission. Al was cuddling with the kitten he'd found/rescued/stolen from an old lady's yard and trying to think of a name for the little monster (the thing actually enjoys drinking milk for Gate's sake!).
"I think I'll name him Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII (the 17th)!" Al suddenly exclaimed.
Of course. Al always names his cats Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin the whatever. "What happened to Senor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVI (the 16th)?" I asked cautiously.
Al's metaphorical eyes darkened. "Bad things," he said quietly. (*)
We continued walking in silence.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: Why are you all staring at me?-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I had just finished giving my report to Colonel Shithead, and we were both going out to get lunch. I opened the door to the main office...
Just in time to see Fuery punt Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII across the room (~) while screaming something about his Subway sandwich and 'that filthy, gluttonous, greedy freak of nature' (Somewhere in the world, Greed sneezed. Gluttony just said "I'm hungry"). At that exact moment, Al came back from the bathroom.
We all stood in shocked silence as we waited for Al's reaction.
Finally, I worked up the courage to speak. "Hey... Al did y-"
"Brother," Al interrupted coldly, "Could you and the others leave the room for a second? I need to have a word with Mr. Fuery."
Lieutenant Hawkeye tried to intervene before it got too bloody. "Alphonse, I really don't think-"
Al turned to her with a smile that should have been sweet and innocent but was instead very creepy and said darkly, "Miss Hawkeye, please leave the room so I can have a talk with Mr. Fuery."
On her way out, Riza nodded solemnly to Fuery. Colonel Mustang, who was following Hawkeye, mouthed "good luck" and gave the poor kitty-kicker a thumbs up, Havoc and Breda were trying (and failing) to stifle laughter, you don't want to know what Falman did, and I, while closing the door, pointed at Fuery and dragged my finger across my throat. He had it coming to him. Poor bastard.
As soon as the door was closed, we all put our ears against the door in an attempt to hear what was going on inside.
Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII meowed.
Then silence.
And more silence.
And then Fuery started screaming.
I'm not saying "Eek a bug" screaming. No. I'm talking full-on "Holy shit bloody fucking murder" screaming.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: Stop looking at me!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
When Al came out of the room, I was the only one left in the hallway; the others ran for it as soon as the screaming started.
I had to ask. "Al... Where is Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII?"
Al sniffled a bit. Then he looked at me with all seriousness and (I shit you not) said, "My aim was off. He's gone through the Great Kitty-Door in the Sky (2)(*)."
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: *sitting in the corner sobbing* WHHHYYYYYYY!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Fuery was sent to the psychiatric ward, where he spent two months muttering incoherently about "the Elric boy", "that cat", and something about crayons.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: *having a full-on mental breakdown*-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Al and I were talking to Havoc a few weeks later about what happened. Havoc asked, "Ya know how Fuery kicked the cat because it ate his subway?"
We nodded.
Havoc grinned sheepishly. "I was the one who ate it."
Shortly thereafter, Havoc joined Fuery in the psychiatric ward. Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVIII disappeared that day. No one asked questions. (*)
Ed's Attempt (Ed's POV)
I couldn't do this one because I still have no idea what Al did with the cat... I did, however, lock Sergeant Sarcasm (aka Colonel Bastard) in his office with a rabid alley cat. Lieutenant Hawkeye shot me a few times for it but I REGRET NOTHING!
(1) No offence to pathetic little midgets like Ed. Or short people in general. ;)
(2) The Gate for cats! :D
Official Kitten Count:
(~)'s: 1
(*)'s: 3
A/N: So how'd I do? Good? Bad? Should I be taken to the nearest mental institution? Review and tell me!
