Summary: Astoria Greengrass has had quite enough of this "Reading the Books" thing, thank you very much.
AN: So, apparently FF has decided to ban the Reading the Books fics. Makes me sad, as I actually kinda liked those (in principle. Sadly, most of them had absolutely no plot at all.) I mean, I get it with the whole copyright laws and all that jazz, but... :( Anyways, I was reading one that slipped past the Great Purge the other night, and I got to thinking about how invasive these things were. I mean, every thought, every experience Harry's had being read aloud to a group of people who either hate him or don't know him? I chose Astoria as my avatar, because she's a pureblood, so she should know the laws, and her poor character has been manhandled throughout half of the meme's hype. Anyhoo, enjoy!
Once upon a lovely day in Hogwarts, an enormous toad was humming absently to herself whilst musing in her florid pink office. This was a rather odd sight, as it normally would pose quite a challenge for a toad to hum, muse, or sit upright, but then this was Hogwarts.
Across from her, a second year Hufflepuff (who had been sentenced to two weeks detention for stepping on Mrs. Norris's tail) was silently crying as he carved into his own flesh, "I will not harm kitties".
Quite relaxing.
The particular topic this particular toad was musing upon was the topic of one Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lied. It would seem that corporal punishment was doing him no good at all, unfortunately.
The toad paused to smirk at the hapless Hufflepuff.
The little brat was still so... spirited. It was annoying, to see how he'd still bother fighting back. No, it'd seem that she needed something to really get to the boy, something to shatter him, something to shut his lying mouth for good.
The poor little second year jerked, horrified, as she began to giggle maniacally. What did he do to deserve this? He'd never done anything- Oh, hey, why was the ground tilting that way? Woooah.
Yes, a way to put that brat in his place would be quite nice. But what could she possibly-
As if the gods themselves were listening in, a dramatic bang and flash of light brought her (diminutive) brain to a halt. For, sitting in the middle of her desk (ruining the Hufflepuff's last ten lines of his own blood) was a set of books!
Ignoring the now hysterical Hufflepuff, who was muttering something about blood loss and the Hospital Wing, she snatched up the note on top of the books (but not before examining it for curses or tricks, for she was a clever toad!).
It read:
Hello, Madam Undersecretary Umbridge!
I am from... the future!
Due to the lies and machinations of one Harry J. Potter, I regret to inform you our future is littered with horror, destruction, and unruly children.
When examining where it all went wrong, we found that you, the heroic defender of the Ministry, had been ignored!
In order to completely erase our timeline, making a better future, we have sent you these books containing the life and lies of Mr. Potter, from his first year at Hogwarts to his last. I recomend you read them in a very public fashion, so everyone may know of his deception.
Wishing you the best of luck,
The Future.
The toad (who was apparently named Umbridge) gasped. It was a dream come true!
Still disregarding the Hufflepuff, who by now had collapsed from blood loss and emotional trauma, she snatched up her microphone (of course, it wasn't referred to as a microphone because those were nasty, common Muggle objects) and announced that all students and faculty were to cancel their current activities and report to the Great Hall.
The last thing the little Hufflepuff heard before he awoke in the Hospital Wing two day later was the maniacal laughter of Madam Umbridge, the Lady Toad, as she went to fulfill her destiny.
Poor little Hufflepuff. :( Just wait for your fourth year, kid, it gets worse.
