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The Smashers Go to Washington:

The Third and Final Installment of the Humor Trilogy

Chapter 1

Mansion's Back in Business

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

The call echoed throughout the mansion, one of anguish and frustration. But Snake had not been tragically abused or found dead in one of his games. Actually, when it happened he was sitting in the kitchen, lighting a cigarette with a satisfied smirk on his face.

Next to him, Olimar and Falco had been discussing ship engines when the distress call went out. They looked over at Snake as he took a long sweet puff from his death stick. "Hey Snake," Falco called. "What did you do? Because if Palutena or someone comes through here with murderous intent, I want a head start."

"Oh I wouldn't worry," Snake assured, the smirk still on his face. "He won't be able to do anything to me, or any of us." The call of Snake's name went out again, and he let out a sigh in appreciation.

Olimar recognized the voice. "What, is that our author screaming at you?"

-The Scene of the Crime-

"DARN YOU SNAKE!" Andre roared. He was furiously typing his frustration onto his keyboard at the secret agent. "You show up at my house and clog my toilet for no reason! WHY? How are you embarrassing me when I'm the one writing the story! I sure don't remember typing in you clogging my toilet!"

-Back at the Mansion-

"Wow," Falco commented, looking at the above text. "Was that really necessary?"

"Maybe," Snake replied. "He did take forever to get started on this installment, and I need the paycheck for smokes. Plus the readers can think of it as vengeance for taking so long."

"I meant the fourth wall breaking."

"Oh. Probably."

It had been a peaceful time at the Smash Mansion, or as peaceful as the mansion got when they were actively involved in destruction and mayhem. Master Hand had as of yet to be swallowed by Kirby again and was doing his job in keeping the mansion in one piece; Mewtwo served as his personal assistant in helping to keep Crazy Hand under control. Thankfully, Master Hand knew the words that made his sibling lose it and pass out.

"Green compliments red," Master Hand stated. Crazy screamed before dropping to the floor, twitching. "Well, now that we have that out of the way, let's get to bookkeeping. What are the records from last year?"

Mewtwo turned to the records, using his psychic to pull out a book that could have crushed Bowser. "The records of last year," Mewtwo began. "ESRB tried to take over us. We teamed up with Sony and Microsoft to take them out. They were eventually stopped by the Great Miyamoto and Iwata. During this time, Kirby spat out you, Roy, and me."

Master Hand and Mewtwo shuddered as they remembered how long they had been lost in the vortex of Kirby's stomach. After assuring himself that he wasn't still lost inside Kirby, Mewtwo continued. "Roy stayed as a gardener, and I became your PA. We were subsequently attacked by a virus caused by the 360's red ring of death. It was defeated by...do I really have to say it?"

"It's the record," Master Hand insisted.

Mewtwo sighed. "It was destroyed by a giant fireball that was the result of Pit adding too many candles to a birthday cake. During this time, Mark the tactician of Fire Emblem was hired as security since he's smart enough to make me wonder if he's psychic. And now it's the new year," Mewtwo finished. "Sir, if I may? We still have plenty of problems to address from last year that never fixed themselves."

"What problems? The mansion's experienced a peace it hasn't felt since the Red Ring of Death two months ago," Master Hand said.

"Pikachu still believes that he is the dictator of the next world order, the assassins from Assassin's Creed are worshiping Kirby to the point that he's now the head of their order, Captain Falcon is still a menace, and then there's Pit," Mewtwo reminded.

"The first three I understand. What's wrong with Pit though? I thought he grew up."

"That's the problem. Now that Pit's matured and dating Palutena, there's no one to act as a censor here in the mansion. The assassins are fighting Pikachu's forces, Ike and Lyn aren't wearing anything more than bedsheets, Mario and Peach have cut their time to every three minutes, Marth is holding frat parties naked, DK is in a siege with Yoshi for the bananas, the children are at war to fight bedtime, ROB has been stripped for parts..." Mewtwo trailed off as he glanced behind Master Hand. "And Crazy just went streaking."

Master Hand didn't say anything at first, but stopped and thought about it. "This is supposed to be why we have Mark. Why hasn't he silenced this all yet?"

"He's super smart, but he can't fight to save his life."

"...Why did I hire him?"

"To predict trouble. He did," Mewtwo pointed out. "He even sent you several letters, e-mails, and even a smoke signal to get your attention, but you were busy trying to keep Crazy from streaking. You failed at that too.

"I hate my job."

-Elsewhere in the Mansion-

"This is pointless," Mark determined.

"Come on, you have to let us guess," Zelda insisted. She, Isaac, Link, Samus, Ike, Lyn, and Pikachu were around Mark, trying to guess who his girlfriend was. Ever since Mark had burned Marth by admitting he had a girlfriend (and Marth didn't), the mansion had been curious as to who Mark was dating. They hadn't had any success in guessing; Marth was convinced she was made up.

"You have a .06% chance of correctly guessing her name. A 0% chance of me admitting it if you do guess correctly," Mark explained. He was supposed to be helping stop the mansion's chaos, starting with Marth's frat party. Instead he was playing a guessing game that was completely one-sided.

Pikachu jumped onto Samus's shoulder. "Pika pika!" he told her. We must have this man as our general, Samus!

"I thought I was your general," Samus pointed out.

"Pi pi. Pikachu!" Pikachu retorted. You were promoted to my right hand. Now help me find out his girlfriend so we can use her as blackmail!

Samus was a little disturbed by that. Obviously Pikachu was getting a lot better at understanding what was necessary in order to conquer the world. And she really needed to make sure that Mark didn't become Pikachu's strategist. The genius might be amoral enough to go along with it if he was blackmailed. And Mark wasn't exactly beatable when it came to strategy.

So when Pikachu jumped off her shoulder, Samus took Link by the hand to lead him off for a private conversation. Pikachu's ears twitched in confusion as the others continued guessing Mark's girlfriend. Finally the Pokemon called out, "Pika pi pika!" Where are you going? Your time with your sex slave can wait until later! I heard you last night when I came to ask on the troops anyway!

Guessing Mark's girlfriend froze as nearly everyone in the room turned towards Link and Samus. Both were acquiring a red tint to their faces, visible only on Link. A second passed, and then the two took off as fast as possible in order to get away from the others. Zelda cleared her throat politely to change the conversation, and struck up a conversation with Lyn. "So how goes your ideas for bed sheet fashions?"

Lyn accepted the change and began explaining a new dress she had designed. Ike grunted and drew his sword. Isaac accepted and they headed off to the training area.

Mark had been the only one not shocked by Pikachu's choice of words; he had predicted such activity already. But it did provide a proper distraction for him to escape and attend to his duties. Now he had to stop a frat party. Quietly, Mark headed towards the power conduit for Marth's room; lack of light and music would calm things down. He texted his girlfriend on the way there.

Meanwhile, Link and Samus had successfully fled somewhere private for their conversation. "What's wrong?" Link asked.

"It's Pikachu. I'm starting to think that his chances of trying to take over the world are getting better," Samus explained.

Link frowned. "But his army's dead. They died fighting the ESRB. I thought we didn't have to worry about that anymore."

"That was two stories ago; our author's not big on waiting long enough for humanity to revive itself," Samus explained. "Besides, Pokemon Black and White came out in Japan. There are bound to be new fans he can equip with machine guns. Which is something else we need to figure out."

"So we're secretly working to undermine Pikachu," Link replied. "Samus? That might be harder than just the two of us."

"Oh come on. It's just Pikachu; of course we can stop him. After all, we're both top smashers," Samus pointed out. She also refused to admit that she would need help from anyone other than Link. He could Mary Sue, and Samus was no small force either.

The door opened up to reveal Pikachu, sitting on Mark's shoulder. "Pika ka!" Pikachu shouted cheerfully. Samus, guess what? Mark has agreed to be our general! My reign is assured!

Mark's face was still blank. "Agreeing means the mansion remains calm," he explained. Samus at least knew that Mark was somewhat amoral now. Pikachu and Mark left Samus and Link where they were, presumably to help plot Pikachu's plan to take over the world.

Link made absolutely certain not to look smug in any way. Otherwise, Samus would blame it on him. Seeing Mark working with Pikachu made it easier. Samus sighed and rested her head on Link's shoulder; he sagged under the weight of her metallic helmet.

"Okay, so maybe we are going to need help. Master Hand might be a good place to start," Samus muttered. Link patted her shoulder, even though he wasn't sure she could feel it. He knew, as well as Samus, that nearly everyone in the mansion would want to stop Pikachu from successfully taking over the world. But there were only a few who could really help cripple that goal.

"Let's go see Snake," Link offered. "He can use strawberry jam to stop Pikachu talking to his minions, right?"

Samus sweatdropped; Link had never had mass communication explained. But he had the general idea of communication jamming down. "Close enough; let's go," Samus said. They headed off towards Snake's room to begin their recruitment phase.

-After Having Gathered Their Allies-

Link really did know how to pick private spaces.

Samus had always suspected him of disappearing off back to Hyrule or the training room. Nope, Link had an easier answer. He would pop off into the Twilight Realm, where Midna was always willing to unleash dangerous beasts to make sure her friend was up to snuff. Samus was confused and jealous at first; hadn't the mirror been destroyed (and why was he going to another girl for privacy?) but Link had explained it.

"The mirror got better, " he stated. (Hello, Soundwave!)

So with Midna granting them her conference room for their meeting, Samus looked out on their recruits. Snake had been first; the mercenary had been bought in exchange for Samus taking a fall in a match. Trainer Red had signed up as well, being very well accquainted with Pikachu. Zelda had been unable to join their cause, not giving a reason, but had done them a favor and gave them Kirby—which gave them the Assassins. The remaining two were Ike and ROB; Ike had experience in guerilla warfare and ROB could access electronics to cripple what Pikachu might be up to.

Link was in the corner of the conference room, surviving against Midna's new horror. Midna was sitting in as well.

"First, we're glad you all are able to help. Pikachu as a world dictator could not be good in any sense of the word. He only ever wanted it at first because of inifinite treats," Samus began. "And now he's somehow managed to convince Mark to help him out. Mark makes this really scary, so we'll have to find out how far things are going to progress. Snake, ROB, you'll be in charge of electronic warfare against Pikachu. Find out what we're up against and disrupt his systems. Kirby, have your assassins keep an eye on Mark and Pikachu so we know where they are at all times. Red, you're with Link and me; we're going on our first assignment. Any questions?"

Midna raised her hand, slapping down Snake's hand with her magic. "Do you guys have a name?" she asked. Obviously, the Twilight Princess doubted a yellow mouse could invade her realm.

"Of course we do," Red insisted. "We got them from birth, duh." The eleven year old thought himself pretty clever, until Midna used the Fused Shadows to steal his pants. She smirked as Red scrambled for something to cover with.

"What about Blocking Overt Operations Basically," Snake muttered, lighting a cigarette. Samus and Midna glared at him, and Midna stole his pants as well. Snake simply kept smoking his cigarette. Red thought about it for a moment, and then he giggled at the acronym.

Ike grunted. "Sane Brigade," he muttered.

"Lord Kirby's Elite," Altair offered.

"Lord Kirby's Great," Lucy chided. The two assassins snarled and began fighting for Kirby's amusement, who watched them blankly. What were their names again?

Link finished killing what was trying to rip his flesh off and joined the conversation. "Sane Brigade works," Link voted.

"Fine; it's just a dumb name," Samus said. "Now let's get to to work; like I said, Mark is so genius it's creepy. There's no telling how far he's advanced Pikachu's ambitions."

A Twili ran in and knelt at Midna's feet. "Your Highness, tanks have appeared at our borders," he reported.

Midna stared at him in disbelief; the Sane Brigade sighed in frustration. Mark apparently worked very quickly. "Well crap; how did they get into the Twilight Zone?" she demanded.

"Mark figured out how to using the TV show," the Twili explained.

"Come on," Samus called to her troops. "Time to get out of here and stop Pikachu." Link opened the portal back to the normal world, and the members of the Sane Brigade ran through so they could begin stopping a yellow mouse aided by a teen genius from taking over the virtual and real world using instantly trained Pokemon fans as shock troopers.

"This is like a Twilight Zone episode," Snake grumbled, finishing his cigarette.