"Got your lunch?" Carrie held the passenger door open with one hand, waiting for Franny to climb out of the car, and searching for her lunch box with another. "Here you go," she finally fished it from somewhere under the back seat and pushed it into Franny's half open school bag. A smile touched her lips as she looked up into her daughter's half-closed eyes. She cupped girl's porcelain face in her palms and laughed, "No more late-night picnics on the carpet for you…"
"Mooooommmm! I'm fine!" Franny protested and threw one of the bag straps on her shoulder.
"Sure… sure…" with a surrendering gesture Carrie pulled her in for a nose on nose rub. She looked deep into her baby's bright blue eyes and pressed her brow to the girl's. "Besides, I had A LOT of fun."
Franny smiled and threw her arms around her mother's neck. "Me too."
Carrie turned her head to the side to bury her face in thick auburn locks and took a deep breath. Just a little longer, she thought, as she did every day, as she did every time. Just a little longer. She was safe. She was happy. Franny was too. Been for a long while now. And yet the need to always make it right, to always say it out loud, to always hug a little longer… that need never went away. You never know, she told herself over and over as she fell asleep every night, as she kissed her baby girl goodnight, you never know if it's the last chance you get to be there, to say it, to touch her. You never know. And regret is a never-forgiving dull blade in your heart. And it makes you bleed slowly. So slowly, that, even after five years, you can still taste it in the back of your throat. Regret is a black hole and she had been living on its event horizon for too long.
"Mom, can I come tonight? With you and uncle Max?" asked Franny in a sweet innocent careless tone, as she pulled away and was now inches from Carrie's face. "To the memorial?" she added, as if explanation was needed.
Painful twitch jerked Carrie's chin. Her eyes welled up and she took a deep breath, holding back tears. She started to say something in return but no words came out. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath and pulled Franny into her arms again.
"I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry…" started Franny, but Carrie stopped her.
"It's ok, baby. You didn't do anything wrong," She took Franny's face in her palms again and smiled as bravely and calmly as she could manage. Her voice was now steady and reassuring. "I think it's ok. If you want to. I mean, of course, it's ok. I think Peter would have loved it very-very-VERY much."
"Yes. He would. I know he would," Franny nodded several times in a very convincing manner.
"Alright, then," Carrie sat up and put her left hand on a wheel. "I'll see you after school, bug," she winked and leaned in to close the passenger door.
"Mom?" Franny, who already started towards the entrance to the school, turned around and ran back to the car, holding the door. She climbed back in her seat and turned to her mother.
"What is it, sweetie?" Carrie softly put a hand on her arm.
"Can I tell you something… about Peter… and you won't be upset? Promise you won't be upset?"
"Oh baby…" Carry smiled and strokeג her daughter's hair. "You can tell me ANYTHING! What is it?"
"When Miss Christine asked me if I was afraid… You know…" she looked down at her hands, nervously wrinkling the folds of her school uniform skirt, "when I was in the bathroom with Latisha. And Peter was outside. And people were yelling and sirens outside… and I WAS afraid... and…"
"Oh, sweetie, I know…" interrupted Carrie, trying to pull her into a hug, but Franny moved away.
"No, mom, it's just… She asked if I thought I was gonna die," she said in such low voice that it was barely a whisper. She looked away and stared for a second before looking up at her mother's face. "And I said that yes, I was. But I wasn't. I mean I was. But… I wasn't afraid of Peter. I was afraid that he would die, because there were so many people outside yelling and all. And I thought if he died, I would die too. Because he couldn't protect me if he died," her crystal blue eyes glistened with tears now and she allowed Carrie to wrap her arms around her. "He asked me if I knew I was safe with him. And I never told him. I never said anything," she was sobbing now.
"Shhhhhhhh…. Shhhhh…" Carrie rocked her from side to side and whispered into her ear. "Oh, my dear, he knew. Of course, Peter knew. You were his friend. Friends know things like that. Oh, my sweetheart… is that it?" she lifted her daughter's wet face and kissed the tears on her cheeks and temples. "Is that why you want to go today? Do you feel you made Peter sad?"
"A little…" Franny nodded and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
"Oh, my baby… I am so sorry," Carrie traced the tips of her fingers across Franny's cheekbone and tucked rogue hairlock behind her little ear. "I should have talked to you about it a long time ago. You know you can talk to me about Peter any time, right? Or anything that upsets you?"
"I thought talking about Peter made you sad," murmured Franny, looking away. "It always did. It makes you cry."
Jesus. Oh, dear god, thought Carrie, fighting her tears back, as she pressed her lips to the top of Franny's head. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't before she was absolutely sure that she was in control of her voice, that she pulled away and looked into her daughter's eyes.
"Of course, it does, baby," she smiled sadly. "Peter was my friend too. And I miss him very much. But I am also very proud that I got to have such a good friend. Even for such a short time. And I am always-always glad to talk to you about Peter, alright? And if it makes us sad, it's ok, too. Because loosing friends is sad. So, promise me you will always talk to me about Peter when you feel like it?"
Franny nodded with a little hint of a smile. "I promise."
"Ok then," Carrie pulled out a tissue paper from a bag on her dashboard and wiped Franny's eyes and face. "Off to school with you now. I will see you real soon, ok?"
She watched Franny sprint away towards a group of chattering and giggling classmates. She wanted to stay here a little longer, lost in this moment of serene tenderness. But then, she couldn't afford to. Carrie swallowed hard and adjusted her rear-view mirror. As she was pulling out of the drop spot, she opened a window and drew a deep breath. She was almost there. After three years of work, she was about to close that chapter once and for all. She didn't give much thought as to what they would do next. They would probably go away. Move as far from here as possible. And start anew. And she would never look back. And maybe, just maybe, she would finally be free.
