DISCLAIMER:
I do not own these characters. They are all owned by Cassandra Clare, the only creative control I have is the plot.
Note on Timeline: Takes place during CoA.
Author's Note: Some lines are taken out of CoA pages 182-183, with some revision.
The idea for this one-shot came to me as I was reading CoA, it popped into my head and I just had to write it. I stumbled over to my laptop and wrote until I had everything in my head out onto the screen. I really hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review and tell me what you think. If you think I should keep it a one-shot, or maybe turn it into something longer. Thank you. Enjoy.
Nothing
Chapter One: I Love You
Clary's POV
"We could keep it a secret," Jace said softly.
"People will find out," I said. "And I don't want to lie to my family, do you?"
"What family?" he said bitterly. "The Lightwood's hate me anyway."
"No, they don't. And I could never tell Luke. And my mother, what if she woke up, what would we say to her? This, what we want, it would be sickening to everyone we care about-"
"Sickening?" he dropped his hands from my face as if I'd slapped him. He sounded stunned, hurt. "What we feel – what I feel – it's sickening to you?"
Of course not, I wanted to say. But instead, "Maybe," I said softly to him, looking down. "I don't know." I wanted to step up to him, to wrap my arms around him. I stayed still.
"Then you should have said that to begin with," he had gone stiff, rigid.
"Jace–" I began.
He looked at me like nothing mattered anymore; he was solid, like a statue, in expression and body. "I'm sorry I said anything, then," he was formal again; I could feel my heart sinking heavily in my chest. It was difficult to breathe. "I won't be kissing you again. You can count on that."
He moved away from me, to his dresser where he pulled a towel off the top of it. He headed back towards the bathroom. I wanted to go to him, why wouldn't I just go to him? "But, Jace–" I choked. "What are you doing?"
"Finishing my shower," he told me in a stiff, lazy tone. "And if you've made me run through all the hot water, I'll be very annoyed," he stepped away from me, into the bathroom and kicked the door shut.
I stumbled over to his bed, falling onto it backwards. I stared up at the ceiling, unblinking, forcing the tears that fought to fall back. I rolled over, a single tear falling from my eye as I realized the lump I had landed on was his crumpled blue shirt; it smelled like him: soap and smoke and coppery blood. I pulled it into my chest and inhaled a deep breath of his scent, allowing it to fill me and surround me.
I could hear the shower running through his bathroom door. Why had I said that, sickening? What had I been thinking? I certainly didn't think it, if anything, wrong should have been what I said, not right, even. But sickening? What was sickening was the word sickening leaving my mouth in context to what Jace and I felt – feel – for each other. Sickening was to fall in love with your cat or dog, now that was sickening. That was wrong. That was not right. But to fall completely and hopelessly in love with another human being? There was nothing sickening or wrong or not right about that, and I damn well knew it.
I pushed myself to sit, gently setting his shirt onto the bed, and forced myself to my feet. I loved Jace, I loved my brother, and I would – no, I will not fight it.
I walked over to his bathroom door and pushed it slowly open, being sure not to make a noise; I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. The room was filled with hot steam, and it only made my already-wet clothes that much more itchy against my skin. I fought the urge to peel my clothes off or tear at my skin with my nails, and instead made my way over to his black and grey patterned shower curtain. I hesitated for only a second, inhaling a deep breath through my nose, and slowly out my mouth.
I lifted my hand to the curtain and slowly pulled it slightly ajar. His back was facing me; his hands scrubbing at his face as the stream of the shower rained down over his head and shoulders. I didn't bother to even kick off my shoes as I stepped into the shower behind him, pulling closed the curtain behind me. I breathed slowly and evenly, my eyes closed.
When I opened them, he was facing me. Looking at me, his face stunned. I opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it, not knowing exactly what to say.
He seemed just as speechless as I felt. "I–" I began slowly, looking over at him, and him looking back at me, unblinking. He seemed stiff like he had before, but in a different way. He looked like he wanted to move, to talk, but he looked like it was taking all of his strength to hold himself back. "When you love someone, and someone loves you back, it doesn't just go away," I began clumsily. "It's not something you should fight, or something you should push away, for that matter. It isn't something to be ashamed of, and I…" I stammered, looking down. "I love you, Jace. I fell in love with you before I knew you were my brother, and even after I found out that you were… I don't care," I said, looking back up to him. "We can keep it a secret, Jace," I told him, taking a step towards him. "People won't find out – and if lying to others is the only way to not lie to myself, then fine, I'll lie to others. But I will be damned if I spend one more second, one more minute, thinking I can keep myself away from you."
He took a step towards me, placing his hand along my jaw. He looked down at me with such tenderness, such love and adoration I felt my breath catch. "I love you, Jace," I told him again, softly. "I love you."
He took another step towards me so our bodies were pressed up together, and I took another step closer towards him still, getting as close to him as I possibly could. Without saying anything, he leaned his lips down and pressed them against mine. Softly, at first, pulling away just to look down at me, to make sure I was really there. I wanted to tell him that I was, to reassure him that this was really happening and he hadn't just fallen and hit his head and knocked himself out, but his lips were against mine again before I could get a word out. I slid my hands up his slick chest and wrapped them around the back of his neck, pulling him down to me.
I opened my mouth for him, and his tongue slid into my mouth as mine slid into his. A moan left me, filling into his mouth as he walked forward, forcing me backwards and my back to press up against the wall of the shower, as our kiss deepened further. My fingers were tangled up in his hair as he slid his hand down my side, lifting at my shirt and breaking our kiss to pull it up and over my head. He dropped it onto the shower floor, and looked down at me, taking in the sight of me without a shirt before reaching his hand behind me and unhooking my bra. That too, was pulled from me and dispatched onto the shower floor. "You know," he began slowly. "It is hardly customary to take a shower with your clothes still on," and he finished removing the rest of my clothes, including my shoes and socks, and then stood back up, looking down at me and taking in a good, long time to just look my naked form up and down.
He pressed his naked body against mine, and I held back a moan at the feeling of it. My breathing was rigid and came in short bursts. He kissed me again, holding my face between his palms. "Never," he told me, pulling his lips away and looking at me seriously. "Never, leave me again, Clary," his face was serious, yet completely filled with tenderness. "Understand?"
I nodded, yearning for his lips again. I raked my fingers through his hair, and let out a breathy, "Yes," before reaching up to kiss him.
"I love you, Clarissa," he told me, breaking our kiss for a brief second before bringing his lips back to mine. "I will love you forever."
"Nothing could possibly keep me from you," I told him, looking up at him. "Never again," I ran my hand up and cupped it over his.
"Good," and he kissed me again.
