Chapter 1: Guilt

••••

Metropolis, December 2009

Graveyard

Clark breathes in deeply, getting ready for the fourth time in his life he'll be in that cemetery. He sits down next to her grave, he doesn't mind the dirt or the snow. It's been four years, but it feels like forever.

Fours years ago he made the ultimate decision and turned back time to save Lana Lang. He had begged Jor-El for a second chance, so he could live the day all over again and save Lana. Jor-El had warned him about how the universe would find a way to balance things out, but he was too confident on his abilities to even consider the possibility that someone else he cared would actually die. Well, it happened. He hadn't been able to save her, and the thing that hurt the most was that she wouldn't have needed saving if he didn't selfishly choose to mess with time. Mess with how the universe worked.

He touched her grave, sliding his index finger on the surface of the letters of her name.

Lois Joanne Lane.Beloved daughter.1985-2005

Through the four times he'd been on this cemetery, he had always been bothered by that line between the years she lived. She was so much more than a line, so much more than just a lost grave in a Metropolis graveyard. He often thought about that line, about her life. Everyday actually. And in all days, he thought about how he took it from her.

"You're here early." He heard a feminine voice behind him and didn't bother to stand up from where he was sat, he knew she would sit down on the other side of the grave. She'd done it three times already and breaking tradition wasn't really something Chloe would do.

"You always say thay." Clark answered. She did always say that because he always was earlier than usual, he would leave before his parents woke up and would be back by lunch. If Chloe didn't know his secret, she would wonder how in the world Clark spent more than seven hours on a cemetery with no food, on the December cold and sat on the snowed grass. But she did know his secret. She also knew that Lois was buried because of him. He'd told her what he'd done with Lois.

This day, the anniversary of Lois' death, was the only day of the year Chloe Sullivan actually talked to him since the day he'd told her. Chloe ignored him for 364 days of the year, every year, and when she didn't denied his existence completely, she'd talk to him only to offend him or remark something about how they could've been great friends still if he hadn't killed the most important person in her life.

He was lucky she still spoke to him nicely at least a day of the year. God knows how he didn't deserve it.

As expected, she sat on the other side of the grave.

"Lois came to Smallville to investigate my supposed death. It turned out I wasn't the cousin who died." Chloe said while drawing random patterns with her fingers on the cold snow. Clark glanced at her for a second and debated if he should say he was sorry, but he figured there was no point. She knew how sorry he was, she just wasn't going to forgive him.

"Although I wasn't myself that day, I remember it with perfect detail. She kept talking that my mom was the only thing she liked about me. She said I couldn't be as weird as she thought I was with a mom that cool." He smiled weakly and heard Chloe chuckle softly.

"That sounds like her." Chloe said breathly. He noticed she was trying to hold back a few tears. "I don't know how I've survived four years without her. I knew I loved her more than anything, she and my dad were pretty much my only family. But even though I knew it would be horrible to lose her, I couldn't have imagined how much it would actually hurt." Chloe explained, one lonely tear traveling down her face. "Cousin doesn't seem enough for the role she played in my life. She was my sister, Clark." Chloe looked him in the eye for the first time. Probably the first time in the whole year.

"I know." He muttered, his voice a little husky and almost not coming out. "She thought the same about you. Even though she loved Lucy, you were much more of a sister to her than Lucy ever was." He said and Chloe nodded, drying her tears with the back of her hand.

"What do you think she would be doing now if she was here?" Chloe asked him, a slight smile on her face.

"I don't know, but I'm sure it would be something important. Changing the world, perhaps." Clark laughed softly. He was sure Lois Lane would change the world for the better.

If he had let her live enough to do it.

"I'm so sure she would work in the Planet. She was born for journalism, she just didn't know it yet." Chloe added and, after a moment of silence, she clapped her hands, getting rid of the snow between her fingers. She stood up and looked down at her cousin's grave. "I'll see you next year, 'cuz." Chloe said and was about to leave when Clark stopped her, getting up faster than humanly possible.

"Chloe..." He started, not being able to look his former friend in the eye or face her reaction to what he was about to ask. "Do you...do you think she'd have forgiven me?" He sounded ridiculosly broken, clinging for dear life on the wait of her answer.

Chloe seemed deep in thought for a while.

"I don't know, Clark." She answered honestly. "See you next year." And then she left.

He was alone again with his thoughts.