EPISODE ONE: THE HIGH LIFE
There I was, sitting in my personalized Red Lobster, with a fist full of fish and a grin on my fat fucking face. This time however, was not like the hundreds of other times I had stuffed my gut. This time, I was sitting eye to eye with the president of the United States.
"Boy, you sure like to eat, Carl." said President Obama, raising his eyebrow with a hearty chuckle.
"You bet your fucking pimply ass I do!" said me, gorging myself blind.
"After all, I like fish tits, cuz imma fish bitch."
"Well, you know, Carl, everyone really appreciates what you did back there. Not only for America, but for the world."
"Uh, yeah? No shit, prez."
"This is a uh… Really nice place you've got here Carl. Thanks for inviting me to the uh… Grand opening."
"Yeah."
There was a long pause as we both chewed our meals. My eyes were closed as I bathed in the euphoric taste of my lob, but I felt another emotion in the room with us. Something of importance.
"Mm. Don't you think Carl… Maybe it's uhh… time to do your next good deed?"
"What would I do that for? I've got yacht full of cash and all the popcorn shrimp I can fit under my belt! I'm not working another fucking day in my life."
He shook his head and laughed.
"Carl, what you did was truly mm… magnificent, but it was also… six months ago. Time moves quickly these days, you see? You've gotta keep up with it. You know. MMStay relevant?"
"Okay, I read you, but what's the plan? I'm always up for basking in the limelight but I don't really have any idea what to fucking do at this point. I mean, with my long lost Seiny-poo gone for good and all."
He let out a sigh and closed his eyes. I couldn't even of guessed what came next;
"Carl. I'm gonna level with you here… I'm old, okay? No one likes me anymore. I'm a tepid sack. An arid bag."
"I'm listening." I said, could this old geezer say what I think he's about to say?
"I need you to carry on my legacy for the USA. You saved the world from darkness Carl, now it's time to lead it back to the light."
"That sounds fucking stupid." I pointed at the door and looked my bodyguards dead in their eyes. I snapped my fingers and pointed towards the door.
"Get."
The guards (dressed in blue dress shirts and black vests) picked Obama up full-nelson style began dragging him out of my sight.
"Mark my word's! You'll be crawling back to me!"
Yeah. Whatever old man. He was then thrown out into the parking lot and stormed off to his puny Air Force One.
I walked to the elevator and pressed the golden button. I needed to unwind in my penthouse suite and gaze upon my beautiful city: Sacramento.
The small elevator shot up 616 floors, and I had a few minutes to revel in my success. Man… I really was living large here. After the great sein-wave breakdown of '14, the nation fucking glorified me. Money was shitting in by the buttloads. My life of luxury had begun and it was all mine for the taking. I had a tall-ass tower in downtown Sac made in my honor and a cold martini in my hand. This was my first time going to the tip-top, and I was about to take in my big view.
When the elevator door opened, countless butlers and maids started sucking my hole, asking me if I wanted a hot coffee enema and refilling my glass over and over again. I was flattered, but my ass was clean, and I was also having none of it today.
"OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY; FUCKING MOVE! LET ME ENJOY MY FUCKING VIEW IN PEACE."
I unsheathed my iron greatsword and started waving it at the now scattering mob of lowlife suckers.
Finally, time to look out my huge window.
I slithered over to the edge and boy, was I taken back. The view was magnificent. The stars were vibrant, the streets were busy, yet removed and quaint. It was perfect. The only thing that could've made it better was- what the fuck is that? Another building? Taller than mine? On MY horizon? Who fucking DARES?
As I looked out into the distance, the name slipped my lip. My plump lump bubba gump lippie lous. As the new word began to tumble from my teeth, I noted a significantly greasy, foul, nasty aftertaste. Finally, after fucking eons of trying to sound out this really hard word, I heard it echo through my empty 616 story halls. Trump.
