A/N: A very special and huge thanks to my beta PigWithHair and my pre-beta jamy98 over at Checkmated (dot) com for helping to make this story what it is. These ladies are both highly skilled witches of their trade.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and I certainly did not create this magical world. This is all borrowed without permission from J.K Rowling, but treated with respect.
A DAILY PROPHET EXCLUSIVE: RITA SKEETER'S NEW NOVEL, THE TRAGIC AND HORRIFIC LIFE OF HARRY POTTER
By: Hortencia Pettersmidt
Daily Prophet Correspondent
Ms. Skeeter's courageous, sure to be best selling novel, entitled The Lamentable Tale of the Boy Who Lived, is destined to win the hearts of witches and wizards everywhere. This bold account of the reality of Harry Potter's life in the spotlight will bring to the world's attention how one boy took a taste of fame and turned it into a lifetime of exaggerated drama.
'Oh, I think you will find that Harry Potter had every opportunity to live a perfectly normal life,' laughs Ms. Skeeter. 'Here we have a boy who suffered the tragic loss of his parents, we can't argue that. Yet, at the urgings of other more powerful wizards and mentors, he took this event and carried it as his crusade.'
Ms. Skeeter has a knack of unveiling the truths and unraveling the mysteries behind our favorite celebrities. Most recently, Ms. Skeeter's novel, The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, sold a record breaking amount of copies and dug deep into the fathoms of Dumbledore's private affairs.
'I am proud to say that I have done it again,' Ms. Skeeter proclaims. 'I have exclusive interviews from sources that have taught Mr. Potter personally, and have sheltered him throughout the years. I have an entire chapter devoted to the secret dealings between Dumbledore and Potter that differs greatly from my chapter about their relationship detailed in my previous book.'
Yet how could this be possible, given the fact that The Boy Who Lived remains hush hush about anything regarding his dealings with Dumbledore?
'I have new information from Dumbledore's Pensive that has opened up a whole new outlook on their private meetings in Harry'ssixth year at Hogwarts,' grins a proud Rita. Her groundbreaking investigatory journalism is a remarkable testament as to the lengths this reporter will go through to deliver us the truth.
In fact, we will find out WHY Harry was sent to live with his Muggle relations instead of being adopted by one of our fine wizarding families. WHY did Harry snub his nose at forming friendships with the sons of prominent wizarding families? WHICH house was Harry really supposed to be Sorted into, and HOW did he get around the Sorting Hat's system?
'Yes, Potter was quite clever in "getting around the system." In my book, I think you will find that he was more of a rule breaker in school and in life. I know that you have heard several of my accounts about his unstable and obsessive nature. Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge has attested to this. We can all safely say that Harry Potter is quite sane and did not lie about You-Know-Who.'
Harry Potter's sanity is undeniable, yet there still remains the question of his psychotic death wishes and pathological need for attention.
'My book merely delves deeply into the inner workings of Harry Potter and explains why all of these accusations were thrust upon him throughout the years. He is completely innocent of these accusations, and now we must know the real Harry.'
We all must remember that Potter correctly guessed the return of You-Know-Who, and led the courageous battle of Hogwarts that led to You-Know-Who's impending death. Still, many of us do not know that each of his brave victories were the result of his breaking the rules in the first place.
The charming Dolores Umbridge, recently appointed High Sanitary Engineer for the Ministry of Magic Facilities, was more than willing to comment on Mr. Potter and recalls one of the most rewarding experiences of her life—her service at Hogwarts.
'Of course many of Harry's old friends and acquaintances were more than happy to line up to tell his tale!' Ms. Skeeter boasts. 'But to read what they have to say, I urge you to buy the book.'
The Lamentable Tale of the Boy Who Lived is scheduled to appear in bookstores this upcoming July 31, a birthday present of sorts for our very own hero as much as a treat to us all in the aftermath of this dreadful war.
With a grunt of disgust, Hermione crumpled up The Daily Prophet's account of this latest best-selling novel and picked up her quill. This simply wouldn't do. Reaching for a stack of parchment, she hastily addressed her letter: Rita Skeeter, attn: Harry Potter Book. Pausing, she let the tip of her quill tickle her chin while she planned the most effective way to deal with Rita. It had to be something direct, bold, and attention grabbing.
Dear Ms Skeeter,
It has come to my attention that you are writing a biography about my close friend Harry Potter. I'm sure that you remember our little bargain from a few years back? Now that the Ministry is re-organizing, they would be more than interested to know about a particular Animagus that has escaped their detection, don't you think? Honesty is a virtue, especially nowadays.
Regards,
Hermione Granger
Hermione hummed to herself as she carefully folded the letter, knowing perfectly well she could expect a prompt response. Pigwidgeon echoed her hums with his hoots, ecstatic at the chance to deliver a letter. He had been out of work for quite some time while his family was busy dealing with the nasty business of Voldemort. Being back in commission certainly seemed to boost his spirits.
'Oi!' Hermione heard Ron's distinct grunt as she finished tying the note around Pig's leg. She had virtually no privacy between Ron barging into her flat at his leisure and Harry continually checking in on her. The boys opted to share their own flat and had been quite insistent that she room with them. It was probably about the fiftieth or sixtieth time that they dropped the word "bachelor pad" that she politely declined their offer. She knew that their flat would never end up being the bachelor pad they joked about, but living on her own was something she needed to try for herself.
The boys graciously respected her decision to live alone, yet a minimum of five visits a day between the two of them was absolutely necessary by their standards. Ron had his own dresser drawer of clothes and Harry kept a duffle bag there just in case they needed to sleep on the sofa if she ever felt scared. Ron even went as far as to let her borrow Pig in case she needed an owl for anything. She knew how much this gesture meant for him and although she would never admit it, she found their protectiveness endearing—annoying, unnecessary, childish and at times overkill, but enduring.
'Hermione, you there?' she heard Ron yell. She opened the window to let Pig out.
'You are allowed to ring the doorbell,' she yelled back. 'It's what most civilized people do before entering someone's home.'
'You would be the first to say that I'm not a civilized person,' he said as he entered the kitchen.
She couldn't help but to smile at herself. Something about Ron made it ok that he barged into her house at random.
'I know your mother raised you to be civilized,' Hermione retorted.
'Come on, you find me charming.' Ron grinned.
'I don't find breaking and entering charming.'
'Well, all of that aside, have you seen The Daily Prophet today?' Ron tossed a copy of the paper on her kitchen table.
'I have as a matter of fact, and I am in the middle of taking care of it. But the article doesn't change the fact that you and Harry have got to start calling before you come. What if I were in the middle of something? What if I were naked?'
Ron's impish grin did not escape her. 'Never mind, don't answer that.' She sighed.
'Uncivilized people enjoy seeing nakedness,' he said matter-of-factly. 'And what do you mean you are taking care of it?'
'You should know by now to just trust me. But how about this: what if Harry was the one to barge in and see me naked?' she challenged him.
'Then Chosen One or not, I would have to kill him. D'you think Harry has seen the article yet?'
'You acting like a primitive madman does not appeal to me. And you know Harry doesn't read The Daily Prophet, so unless this was also published in The Quibbler then I don't think he knows about Rita's book yet.'
'Doubtful. The Quibbler wouldn't publish that rubbish, and I don't think it's up and running right now. I think Luna and her dad want to rebuild their house before they start publishing again. So what would appeal to you, my lady?' He asked, raising an eyebrow.
'You knocking on my door.' She smirked as Ron rolled his eyes.
'Then how will I catch you prancing around your flat naked?' he asked.
'Luckily for us all I don't prance.' We have shared three kisses and his mind already jumps to nakedness. Typical. Three kisses did not entitle him to any undressing but now didn't seem the time to go into any of that. They were testing the waters, so to speak; they were having fun and taking things slowly so that they could comfortably make the transition from friends to more than friends. Apparently Ron seemed comfortable already.
'You're right, you're right. It would be hard for you to prance because your brain is so full of knowledge, that it weighs you down,' Ron said as he burst out laughing.
Honestly! 'Ronald!'
'It's not my fault that you've read Hogwarts, A History one too many times,' Ron grinned, pointing at the book that sat on the table. She ignored him, picking up her copy of Hogwarts, A History to put back on the shelf.
'What, are you going to throw that at me now?' Ron joked dangerously, probably mistaking the reason for her picking up the aforementioned book. Either that or he was trying very badly to flirt with her.
'Don't tempt me,' she muttered as she turned around to take the book to its shelf. Still, he could use a nice thunk in the head. She paused and turned around, beaming innocently.
'Although, my brain…' She playfully threw the book in the general direction of Ron's head, surprising both him and her. He swore and ducked. She wasn't sure why she felt she needed to throw that book, but it just happened. It still didn't wipe that grin off of his face, either.
'Is not…' She threw the copy of The Daily Prophet that he had brought. She decided that throwing books was an excellent way to make her point and that she should start doing it more often. It hit his arm and her subconscious told her that he let her hit him.
'Too full…' She threw a magazine in her direction which he caught in his hand. Merlin, am I flirting? She was not the book throwing type.
'Of knowledge…' She turned to pick up one of Lockhart's books but found Ron standing between her and the shelf holding her ammunition. She didn't mind him standing so close. I am flirting.
'Careful when throwing blunt objects at one bloody good Keeper,' he teased. Her heart sped up as they just stood there, staring at each other.
She didn't know whether to laugh or cry when a tapping on her window broke the subtle tension beginning to build. She decided on a laugh when Ron opened the window and Pig flew in carrying what had to be Rita's response. A quick reply was expected, but this was extraordinarily fast.
'Who's that from?' Ron asked as Hermione pulled the letter off Pig's leg.
'Shh. Why don't you grab Pig a treat? Top cabinet to the left,' she said distractedly.
Dear Miss Granger,
Yes, you clever girl, I have not forgotten your promise. What is it exactly that you are suggesting?
-Rita Skeeter
Perfect! Rita had played right into her hands. She ignored Ron's questions about whom the letter was from and grabbed her stationery to write her next note. This one had to be worded just right for her plan to work.
Dear Ms Skeeter, she began.
'That's from Rita Skeeter!' Ron said as she tried to concentrate.
'Uh huh,' she confirmed as she continued to write.
'What does she want? You aren't going to give an interview about Harry?' he interrupted again.
'No Ron, I am not giving an interview,' she said distractedly.
'But then…'
'Ron, can you get Pig some water?' Hermione cut in. She smiled as he tended to Pig, knowing that he would be back soon with more questions.
Dear Ms Skeeter,
I won't stop you from writing your book, if that is what you are worried about. However, the content must be the complete truth and favorable to Harry. Perhaps you need an editor? After all, it wouldn't do to have a poorly written book, would it?
Hoping you are well,
Hermione Granger
'Are you mad? You want her to write that book! It's about Harry! Our friend, Harry,' Ron protested as he read over her shoulder.
She called Pig over to the table. 'It's genius, actually,' she spoke as she folded up the letter. 'See, Rita is going to write this anyway. We know that much. But I have arranged it so that I will edit her book and therefore keep tabs on everything she says about Harry.' Hermione tied the letter to Pig's leg and let him fly to meet her at the window.
'One thing I can say for your owl, Ron, is that his constant energy lets me send a quick response without him getting tired.'
'Wait. How do you know she'll let you edit her book?' Ron asked, ignoring the comment about Pig.
'In my first letter to her, I reminded her that we know about her being an unregistered and illegal Animagus,' she said.
'That's blackmail,' Ron commented.
'I know it's underhanded, but it will keep her in line,' Hermione said smugly.
'Are you planning on telling Harry about this?' Ron asked.
'Of course, the book is about him after all. I thought you might like to show him the article first, though.'
'You leave me to give the bad news,' Ron grumbled.
'You two do share the bachelor pad. Surely you have time for male bonding or whatever you call it,' Hermione said cheerfully.
'Men don't talk about shitty journalism in their bachelor pad. You know, we should have Ginny break the news to him. Harry won't be as upset if she breaks it to him.' Hermione laughed out loud at his hopeful look.
'Ginny will probably be more upset over it than he will, and then she will get him all worked up. It's not a good idea,' Hermione scoffed.
'She won't be worked up when she hears your brilliant plan,' Ron countered.
'So you are ok with Harry and Ginny going out again?' Hermione asked carefully.
Ron shrugged. 'It's fine. I think it's a good idea for them, as long as they don't tell me the details. Or let me walk in on them kissing. Or come walking out of broom closets together. And he better not hurt her or give her any false hope. As long as he doesn't have any mad wizards trying to kill him, then they should go out.'
'I'm glad to hear you say that,' she said, deciding to leave the subject at that. 'So you think the best way for us to tell Harry is to have Ginny tell him? I do think we need to break this to him as gently as possible. You know how sensitive he is about these sorts of things.'
'We're all his friends, I think he should hear it from you and me too,' Ron said.
'Yes, that would be best,' Hermione agreed. 'You don't think he'll be upset that I am going to edit the book?'
'Just explain it to him like you explained it to me. You're Hermione, you can do anything,' Ron said generously. 'So if you are going to edit her book, maybe we should also give her some interviews, you know, might as well give her some decent words about Harry.'
'That's not a bad idea, and I'm sure she will be badgering us for an interview as it were,' she agreed, noting his face light up when she agreed with him.
'In fact, we should just write the book for her,' he said.
'Or organize a Rita Skeeter book burning day,' she mumbled.
'Hermione! Burn books?' Ron asked, feigning a melodramatic display of shock.
'Well, just her books.' She smiled.
They were interrupted once again by Pig tapping on the window.
'The old cow must be close by, or overly excited about her new editor. That was fast, even for Pig,' Ron commented.
'Never underestimate a vile woman wanting her fifteen seconds of fame,' Hermione responded as she untied the letter from Pig's leg. Ron absentmindedly handed Pig a treat as Hermione unfolded the letter. They both huddled over the note to read the response.
Dear Miss Granger,
I'm charmed that you have taken such an interest in my book. I'm sure I would be delighted to have an editor. I don't suppose I have to pay you as well?
-Rita Skeeter
'Perfect!' Hermione said with satisfaction as she sat back down at the table with her stationery at hand and quill at the ready.
'Ron, grab some Floo powder from that tin over there and call for Ginny. Let's invite her over; we have some news to tell her,' Hermione instructed as she began to write.
Rita,
Oh, I wouldn't dream of taking your money. I think of this as doing a public service. I'll be eagerly awaiting the first chapter.
And since we will be working together on a professional basis, I would be honored if you would call me "Hermione." No need to be so formal, don't you agree?
Yours,
Hermione
'The wizarding world will finally get some truth from her,' Hermione said smugly as she sent Pig out the window.
