WARNING: IF YOU DISLIKE TASTELESS HUMOR, YOU SHOULD NOT
READ THIS FANFIC.
Author's Note: You, my dearest reader, are reading the
product of me + a lot of sugar. And I
mean a lot. If you don't like
it, don't read it, but if you do like it, this is probably going to go
on my list of about…uh … a lot of unfinished fics. Oh, well. Just enjoy it,
and if you don't, pick up a very large book and whack yourself multiple times
with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a dark,
dank day (don't you just *love* alliteration??), the infamous, ferocious Lucius
Malfoy (who is as ugly as his name) tried to beat up the author of this story,
but failed because the author is Omnipotent (with a capital letter!). The author thinks that Lucius Malfoy (who is
still as ugly as his name) should not rebel against the Omnipotent! The author also thinks she should start
over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a dark,
dank day, the infamous Lucius Malfoy (who is as ugly as his name) was beating
his son, Draco Malfoy (who should rightfully rule the world… with the author)
with a toothpick. The author thinks she
should probably start over again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a dark,
dank day, the infamous Lucius Malfoy (who is still as ugly
as his stupid name) was beating his son, Draco Malfoy (who should rule the universe…
with the author) with a whip normally reserved for whales (even though you
don't whip whales). However, before
Draco was seriously hurt, the author swooped in on her magnificent (drum roll,
please!) flying lampshade and saved him.
"Hey!"
yelled Lucius, "You can't do that!"
"Oh, yeah?"
retorted the author, "Well, guess what!"
"What?" he
inquired.
"Chicken
butt!" screeched the author, collapsing into Fits of Insane Laughter with
Draco.
Omnipotent
Author (Hey! That has a nice ring to
it!!) and Draco appeared in front of Lucius.
However, when he tried to grab them or hex them, they disappear
momentarily (not go invisible… more like and much cleaner and simpler
Apparation… the Omnipotent type). After
a while of this, Omnipotent Author got tired of it (OK, bored, but "tired"
sounds so much better), so she stated, "Enough," using her Omnipotent
Voice and lazily waved her hand so that Lucius was rendered helpless. Thinking briefly, she giggled and sent him
to the Realm of the Insane Wild Flitter Glue! (A horrible, horrible
fate!) Now that they were alone, Omnipotent Author and Draco stared into each
other's eyes, moving closer and closer to each other, until their lips were
about to meet.
"Hey!"
yelled a voice, "A kazoo!"
Turning, a
furious Omnipotent Author gazed upon the intruders, who were none other than
Harry Potter (the nosy, stuck-up git), Ron Weasley (the idiot!), and Hermione
Granger (the irritating know-it-all!).
(A/N: Ever notice that Harry's friends are all nerds while the
Slytherins are really cool? At least, I
think the Slytherins are cool. With
several exceptions, of course. *~Proceeds
to list just about everybody in Slytherin~*)
"Whoa,"
gasped Ron, "What kind of spell did he have to use to make you want to kiss him?!"
With
vehemence (A/N: Joy! A vocabulary
word! One extra point for me! *~Gleefully waves her point in your face~*),
Omnipotent Author glared, wishing she had learned the Omnipotent ability to
shoot fire out of her eyes. She then proceeded
to tell Ron off, informing him of the fact that spells did not affect her, then
adding an extensive vocabulary of swear words before shooting fire out of her eyes anyways. (Ron wasn't burnt too badly… *evil chuckle*)
Everyone stared at her, impressed by her language, even Voldemort.
"VOLDEMORT?!" WHAT THE (insert bad word) ARE YOU DOING
HERE?!" screeched the furious Omnipotent Author.
"Waiting for my date," he replied
nonchalantly. (Another vocabulary word; another point for me! None for you! Hahahaha! [Despite the
fact that the points only give me satisfaction])
"Your WHAT?!" asked
everyone in complete disbelief.
"My date," he replied, "I'm not really
the Dark Lord; I am actually the Dart Lord.
I later found that killing people was more fun than playing darts. Care for a game of darts, anyone?" With that, a dartboard, along with several
darts, appeared on a table that wasn't really there.
Everyone merely stared at him in
incredulity. At that moment, Professor
McGonagall appeared, dressed in bellbottom jeans, a tight, sexy top that
revealed her stomach, exposing a bellybutton ring and enormous hoop
earrings. In other words, it was the
perfect outfit for a, well, perhaps a twenty-year-old or so (you may disagree
with me if you wish), but certainly not for Professor McGonagall.
"Hello, my dear Minerva," Voldemort
greeted her.
"Greetings, my dearest Dart Lord,"
she replied.
It started with a simple kiss. It turned into a French kiss, and then they
began… erm… snogging. Screaming, everybody
ran out of the room, locked the door multiple times (how did they do this? Who knows? Who cares?), and proceeded to get
extremely sick. They then all went to
the Malfoy Mansion because they had no better place to go.
In the Great Hall (of the Malfoy
Mansion, DUH!!!) they discovered none other than Albus Dumbledore bouncing up
and down insanely with a way-too-happy smile on his face (which could have
potentially broken or even exploded at any second), screaming, "BRUSSELS
SPROUTS RULE!" until he hit his abnormally large head on the crystal chandelier
and collapsed in a little pile of books on the marble floor. Screaming, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and
Omnipotent Author ran out of the room, terrified. (Yes… again… but wouldn't you be terrified if you
saw such a sight?)
In Great Hall #2, (it's not a
mansion for nothing, you know!!) they encountered some dementors, who were
cheerfully playing Double Dutch. (Hey,
you can't see their faces, but who would be anything other than cheerful while
playing Double Dutch?) Harry, Ron, and
Hermione gave shouts of ecstasy, then skipped over to join them. Omnipotent Author and Draco then went into
Great Hall #451 (I told you it wasn't a mansion for nothing!). Unfortunately, they encountered the famous
Viktor Krum peeing upside down with no arms.
Grinning at them, he politely asked (as if he was doing something normal) if they would like to join them.
(And now we know what celebrities do in their spare time) Their only response was to scream and run
into Great Hall #34,756 (OK, so maybe it's a castle…), where they found Cedric
Diggory, back from the dead. They first
saw his back, but as they stepped into the hall, Omnipotent Author's heels
clicked on the tiled floor, and Cedric turned suddenly, chewing on a rainbow-colored
penguin. Before they could scream and
run away, Draco and Omnipotent Author yelled, "NO! I'M TIRED OF SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY! AND EVERYTHING'S SO SCARY!" But they screamed and ran outside
anyways. There, they found a
flower. Draco picked it and gave it to
Omnipotent Author. It died.
THE END.
Author's Note: I do
not own anybody except for Omnipotent Author because that's me. I also own the dead flower. I am responsible for everything messed up in
here and all of the pathetic humor is the result of sugar. I probably need some insulin now, since I
ate so much sugar (I'm not diabetic) but I just loooooooove sugar! I'm so addicted to Jelly
Belly's! Yum yum yum! So review, and if you send me any flames, I
will use it to roast my marshmallows and make s'mores and get more hyper and
write more stuff like this. So flame
away!
P.S. If anybody is
interested becoming my beta reader, e-mail me or leave a note here.