Team Fortress 2

Scout/Sniper

"Sniper's Proposition"

"Ah, how hot is it out here?"

Was he talkin' ta me? How the hell would I know how hot it is out here? I don't know, hot, buddy! I ain't a fuckin' thermometer. And besides, I was clearly busy, ya know, polishin' my bat. Sniper wasn't a real friendly sorta guy. How friendly can ya be when your sittin' 200 meters away, drinkin' your own piss, and constantly paranoid that some mutha of a Frenchman doesn't stab ya in the freakin' back. Still, I was standin' there, mindin' my business, when he asked this question that didn't really go lookin' for an answer. Did that stop me from given one? Do ya know who I am? "Freakin' hot, right! Man, sweatin' balls already. And we got a mission today too. But I guess you've seen hotter, yeah?"

He looked at me with kind of a lopsided smile. Half of it stayed where it was while the other half of his lips looked like someone pushed'em up. Sniper is weird. I mean, what man can bare standin' around, waitin' to get shot! I gotta move. I can't sit still, it ain't possible. He's weird. Even Heavy the whale moved around more than this guy. And that's fuckin' sayin' a lot. I ain't ever seen Sniper come outta his room unless it was for a fight. Heh, once, I caught him talkin' on the phone with his ma. Aha, that was some funny shit to listen to, ya know?

"Yeh, mum, I'm keepin' safe. … Tell Dad I know I can bloody well hear him, will yah? God – No, no. … Did yah really just ask me that? Mum, he's a spy. I ain't going to kiss n' make up with my enemy! B – Because that isn't how things work around here!"

I was laughin' so hard I almost fell over, so I left before I could pee myself. Who knew that Sniper's mom road his ass too. Heh, guess we had that in common, since my own ma is a pain in the ass sometimes! And Sniper hates that fuckin' French douche as much as I do. Oh yeah, while I was rememberin', Sniper said somethin' to me. "Course. This ain't even real heat in Australia." .. He said his own country funny. Like – "Ustralia" as if the A never existed. "Still, sweatin' is always a problem when your tryin' ta concentrate I 'spose."

What are we doin'? Small talk about the weather? .. The fuck is this? Sniper shifted and stuck his harry hands into his pockets. He was up to somethin'. I ain't stupid, I can read people. What did he want? Well, he better fuckin' ask soon before I just blow him off. My time is precious. I could be out botherin' fatty, or tormentin' the French fag.

"A – Ahh," Sniper cleared his throat, "Yah know my parents are stoppin' by the base later this afternoon."

Cool. Who the fuck cares? My ma stops by whenever she wants to mess around with – Never mind, that's disgustin', talkin' to Sniper.

He scratched his chin and tipped his hat over his eyes, hidin' his embarrassment I guess. I don't know, he ain't even said nothin' yet. But he started goin' again, "And I am sort of a jam, actually. My mum and dad are – God, I love'em, but sometimes they're real work. Mum kept talkin' to me about settlin' down, getting' a family, and all that rubbish. I couldn't take it! … So, I lied. Told'em I had a girlfriend." He didn't say anythin' after that, just kept lookin' to me and away.

Okay, I ain't a fuckin' mind reader, so sue me. I put the tip of my bat on the ground and leaned on it, sizin' Sniper up. He was taller than me by a bit, waaayy older. Stupid shades made him look like a prick. I decided to keep playin' nice for now. Still didn't know exactly what was eatin' at him, and maybe I'll be able to use it as ammo later. "Man, ain't 'rents the worst! My ma keeps yellin' that I oughta get a girl, but I'm like 'Ma, don't fuckin' talk to me when ya got a French cock in your mouth'! Right? Aha, yeah." I laughed at my own joke, but Sniper looked almost horrified. He gave me a curt nod, which pissed me off, cuz anyone would be laughin' their ass off. Maybe he was just nervous and the joke hadn't hit him yet.

"A – Ah, well… Bet our mums could get together sometime. But –" He muttered under his breath. I almost yelled at him to speak up, but suddenly he blurted out, "I need your help, son. If my parents show up and my Dad figured I lied, I'll receive the worst tongue lashin' of my bloody life. And, trust me, you weren't my first choice, but Pyro is temperamental and I nearly got burned to a crisp when I asked her. …Do you get where I'm goin' with this, kid?"

I didn't like him callin' me that. And I didn't like not knowin' what the hell he was talkin' about. I grabbed my bat and pressed it against his chest, pushin' him back and shoutin, "No! So why don't ya just fuckin' spell it out for me, kay gramps? Ain't got time to play games –"

"Be my girlfriend for a day."

Dropped my bat onto the floor. It made a clink, but I was already convulsin' with my laughs. In between outbursts, I gasped for air like a fuckin' fish outta water. Sniper gave a worried frown, lookin' paranoid as if someone was onto us. He reached out a bit and grabbed ahold of my shirt, pressin' a finger to his own lips and yellin' at me in a whisper, "Keep your fuckin' mouth shut! C'mon, it ain't that funny. Let's go somewhere else –" I was being tugged while hiccupping with laughter again. I had picked up my bat and let it drag on the ground, an obnoxious grinding sound following up. Still gigglin' like a school girl, I smirked and flopped onto a chair when we reached some empty room. I think it is called the library or somethin'. Never been in here, so who knows? Still, it was hella quiet, and we were alone in a corner, surrounded by books and nothin' else.

The Aussie was standin' over me, scratchin' his head before adjustin' his hat again, and speakin', "Had your laughs now? Good, because I'm bein' serious. Do a man a favor, mate! I'm in hot water already with the folks, so I'd really be in your debt."

"Whoa, whoa. Slow it down. Rewind! …Kay, listen old man. I don't really know what your askin' me to do, since I'm a dude, and I ain't a fuckin' queer. So, what are ya talkin' about with favors and everythin'?"

Sniper unlatched his back that he always has with him, and reached in. When he pulled his hand out, he held out what he'd call his "solution". "No, not doin' it. ARE YOU FUCKIN' INSANE?" First of all, that wig wasn't even a good color. It was some cheesy platinum blonde that only looks good on chicks with big tits cuz ya aren't even lookin' at their hair. Secondly, I finally put two and two together, and realized that the Aussie wanted me to pretend to be a girl and shit. Nah. Ain't happenin' in his lifetime or mine. I swung at the wig with my bat, but he pulled it away. When I stood, he stepped in front of me, lookin' pathetic. I wondered if he wanted to get hit.

He spoke fast and quietly, "It'd only be for a few hours, and it ain't like I'm asking you to wear a dress. Just a skirt – But we can discuss that more later! If ya do this for me, kid, I will give ya half of my paycheck. Look, I'm desperate! Where's your heart, goddamnit?"

His speech made me frown. I hate bein' put in these fuckin' positions. Now, I know your thinkin', 'Scout, why would ya even consider this for a moment?' Well, truth is there is a really nice pair of cleats in the shop. Blue, like my shirt, and they would totally make me even faster. I fuckin' drool for these things, and though I've been savin', livin' expenses eat at my funds. (And if we're bein' entirely true, I usually just blow my money on Bonk. But for the sake of this monologue, let's say I am poor because of hard times). So, when he mention that there might be a little dough involved, well, I finally started to listen. He was still goin' about my heart, and blah blah blah, but all I could hear was the sweet cha-ching in my head! "Time out!" I yelled, makin' the T with my hands and starin' at the guy in fronta me. I started to twirl the bat with one hand while talkin', "I am hearin' what ya say, pal. Ya want me to pretend like I'm a girl, risk bein' found out by the team, or worse, the fuckin' Spy, all so you can keep lyin' to your 'rents about havin' a girlfriend when ya really haven't been laid in – Jesus, how old are you? – well awhile anyway." I let that stew for a moment. God, I am so fuckin' good. I get chills thinkin' about it now. "Well, if I was considerin' it, not sayin' that I am, but if I was, I'd need a pretty big reward if I gotta stick my neck out for ya like this."

Sniper's shaky gaze slowly lowered, I could almost hear him grindin' his teeth. He hated handin' his money over almost as much as I enjoyed takin' it from him. Grabbin' his check book, he turned to a nearby table and began writin'. I hovered over his shoulder. "…Yeah, Scout…Mhmm…Hah, no, gotta be a little more than that, gramps!"

Sniper paused. For a second I wonder if he was gonna turn around and shank me with his fuckin' kukri. But, he stayed face toward the check, flipped to the next check and rewrote everything. He added a larger number next to his previous offer, and then violently ripped the check out. Spinnin' on his heels faster than I was ready for, he was suddenly loomin' over me with a really freakin' scary expression on his mug.

In hushed tones he threatened, "Yah know what I do to backstabbin' spies, right kid? If yah don't pull through, I won't have show any mercy." Can't lie; Sniper lookin' as mean as he did, and talkin' bout no mercy, it was scary shit. He offered me the check but when I snatched for it, he drew it back. "Oh, and one more thing," the geezer added with a really awkward smirk, "I lied about the skirt. You're wearin' a dress. Make sure yah shave your legs."

"W – WHAT?"

Part Two:

Coming, maybe? We have to see Scout in this dress. xDD Also, I'm sure Snipers parents will be a barrel of laughs. I think more hilarity will come from the next chapter since I had to set this one up. But yes, this is just crack that came from talking to a friend.