(Here it is. This was the result of an incredibly random conversation with Michelle. I ended up saying how Harley and Cacturne looked so ship-ready next to each other, and, well... Okay, I don't own pokemon. Come on, they'd never write this.)


-Cacturne's POV-

I sighed. "So what if I can never hold him?" I told myself. "He's near me, and that's enough." The person in question was Harley Davidson. The unobtainable prize. Why so unobtainable? I'm his pokemon. My name is Cacturne.

I know he loves me, it's all he ever says sometimes. "Love you, buddy." But it's not the same, is it? I turn over in my sleep, and am greeted by Banette. "What the fuck!? Bane!" He leers. "I can read your thoughts, Cacturne. He troubles you?" It was hard to keep things a secret around here; they all knew I loved him that way, but never said a thing.

I sigh. "What the hell do you think?" Banette shrugs. "I can't help you. I just hope, for your sake and his, it works out somehow. Myself, I gotta go scare a few kids. Ciao!" I sigh. So much like him.

I turn to Harley. He's not an organized sleeper; a shock of purple hair is all I can see at this point. I brush my hand across it. "I love you, Harley." I whisper. "I love you, and I'm sorry." I curl up next to him, and fall asleep.


Meanwhile, drunken legends were, well...

"Vita! Damn it, no, I will not give you another crate!" Mewtwo shrieks. "Ishssa partee! Weesh gotta parrrtteee, stoopid..." Vita slurred, waving a bottle of beer around like it was a weapon.

In her alcohol induced state, Vita knocked over a bottle labled, "Pixie Dust". They both stared. Then Vita said, "I am in so much fucking trouble."

(You expected me to do a benevolent Legend thing? Nah, just a drunken glitched Mew.)


-Harley's POV-

Damn, I need to get up. Hair needs to be done, makeup, and I have no time!

I sit up quickly. Funny. I think I've gained weight. Oh Christ, I've gained weight! "DAMNIT!" I shriek. Wait. I just sounded like Cac...

"Master? What the hell happened to you?" His voice... it's human. I think. I can understand it... how? I finally look down. "HOLY CHRIST IN HELL, WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?! I'M FAT!" I wail.

My name is Harley Davidson. I am a Cacturne, formerly human.

And I am fat.


-Cacturne's POV-

Well, this isn't going how I expected. For starters, I think he's a Cacturne now. Oh, Christ, what did I do? And he's raving about how fat he is.

I do kinda agree, but he wasn't fat as a human... so, it doesn't matter, because this is all a dream. And then he slaps me. Not a dream, then.

"WERE YOU NOT LISTENING!?! I AM FAT, CACTURNE!!! FAAAAT!" I sigh. This must just bring his whole goddamn world tumbling down. I laugh, because, well... it's kinda funny. "Harley, relax. You're not fat." This calms him down, albeit only for the moment.

"Where are the others?" I point to the pokeballs, and he turns to open them. He sweatdrops. "Uh, I don't have hands." I snicker. "Kick the pokeballs, then?" He agrees, and kicks the button with his toe. Ariados is the first. "Cacturne?" He asks. I roll my eyes. "You're looking at Harley." The spider blinks.

"How... what..." I shrug. "No clue. Can you open the other pokeballs?" He nods, and presses a slender leg onto the buttons, releasing Banette, Octillery, and Wigglytuff. Wigglytuff sees Harley, and remarks, "Wow, Cacturne, you've gotten pretty fat."

As Harley fumes, I turn to the others. "Well, I don't know quite how this happened, but Harley is a Cacturne now. And, well, we're going to have to live with it." I turn to him. "We'll try to find a way to get you back, okay?" He nods, and smiles.

"Thanks, buddy. I knew you'd try. It's why I love you." I'd have turned bright red, if that was possible. He said it. And he's a pokemon now, so... it's okay? Right? I don't have time to answer this question, though.

A trainer is bumbling through the woods. "Hide! Don't worry, he can't hurt you!" Harley hisses, shoving us into the trees. He's about to follow, when the boy stops.

"Wow, a Cacturne! Cool! I have to catch it! Growlithe, go!" Harley has no clue as to fighting, and the Growlithe uses Will-o'-the-wisp. I watch in terror, as the trainer throws a pokeball. I'm forced to watch, able to do nothing, as my beloved gets captured, and taken away.

Life just wants to fuck me over.

We watch as the boy disappears. Ariados shoots off after him, and we follow as quietly as we can. I can't think. Harley's gone. My trainer, my partner, my buddy, my would-be lover. Would be,

(Human, if you didn't wish)

should be,

(My lover, it isn't fair)

could be,

(hurt or dead, Harley my love, we're coming)

Is.

Is gone.

Ariados loses him eventually, but the boy seemed to be boarding a ship to Lavaridge.

"How do we get on? We're pokemon, in case you haven't noticed." Wigglytuff snarks. I roll my eyes. "Obviously, we... uh, well...stow away?" He shrugs. "I don't have a better idea. Shall we?" We set off. Obviously, I'm the hardest to get on the ship; I'm pretty much human-sized. But a distraction in the form of Wigglytuff got us on, and we were now on the next ship to Lavaridge.


-Harley's POV-

Okay, this sucks. Remind me to never keep my pokemon in pokeballs unless it's a matter of life and death or something. Because this is really fucking uncomfortable.

Okay. Assess the situation. I am now, for some weirdass fuckin' reason, a Cacturne. I got captured. I have no idea who this boy is, or what his motives are.

Sweet baby Jesus, I am going to die.

A virgin. Goddamn it all to hell.

He still hasn't let me out. Please, please let the others be okay. I couldn't bear it if one of them died. Wigglytuff will keep them alive; he's a goddamn sociopath, right?! I hope so. Cacturne looked so sad this morning. I wonder why?

The look was... It was like a bittersweet sadness. He was looking at me like... like he was close to something, but it had been snatched away from him at the last second. Strange. He always meant the most to me.

I loved him like... like... well, he was my best friend, my partner, my buddy. But I did see him look at me sometimes. Like I was more to him. I don't know. I can't really fall in love with a pokemon. I'm only one temporarily.

Still... Cacturne, please be okay. I have to know how you really feel about me. I'm being forced out of the pokeball. "Cacturne! Use Razor Leaf!" I blink. The fuck is going on? I look up. I'm facing down a Blastoise.

This boy is trying to kill me.

"Hydro Pump!" I have to react. But how do I do this!? Seriously?! My arms act of their own accord; they shoot out the hooked leaves I've seen Cacturne conjour out of thin air in so many Contests. The Hydro Pump hits me. "Cold!" Only the Blastoise can hear me, and I don't think he cares much, you know?

So he loads up for another Water Pulse. The boy is telling me to use Razor Leaf again. Fuck that, it didn't do any frickin' damage! Just before Blastoise strikes, I manage to unleash a Solarbeam. It strikes him dead on. Wow, I don't totally suck. Who knew? But the trainer recalls the Blastoise, and that boy looks pissed as he recalls me. Argh! I hate this damn pokeball!

Suddenly, I hear a voice in my head. "Oh, now you've done it." A voice sneers. "Huh? Done what?" It sighs. "Kid, Dominic is NOT going to be happy you disobeyed him. He's probably going to kick you around a bit tonight; dunno how, as you're only a few inches shorter than him." "Who the hell are you?" I blurt out.

"I'm 'Gyarados'. Bullshit. I have a real name, and it's Ducis." I nod. "Oh. My name's Harley." I explain what happened to him. The Gyarados seems interested. "If it's not too inconvienient, could you get us the hell outta here when you do get changed back? I hate this kid." I nod. "Will do! My pokemon should be coming soon." I sigh. "I hope..."

And there you are. First chapter. What did you think?)