Heyy! SO, I just finished reading thirteen reasons why, and I love it! It's so sad though. But, I decided to write a one-shot about what Hannah was thinking as she went off to mail the two sets of tapes. So, here goes.
Maria81593.
If anyone else has already posted one like this, I promise I'm not copying. The idea just popped into my head.
The only thing I own is the idea that just came into my mind.
The air feels heavy as I walk towards the post office.
Normally I would be riding my bike,
but I just gave it to one of the people who didn't ever hurt me.
He was a good guy.
Hopefully he'll do what I'm asking him to do.
I need him to watch everyone I'm mailing these tapes to.
And if they don't pass them onto the next person,
I need him to send his set of tapes around.
These people need to hear these tapes,
They need to know how I feel,
They need to know what they did,
And they need to know that they made me kill myself.
No, I'm not dead yet obviously;
But when they get these tapes I will be.
I can finally say that I am committing suicide:
At first it was weird, but now I can do it.
The only thing now I can do now is hope that they learn from the tapes.
I know that it will change all thirteen people,
Well twelve technically;
Since Justin's on two tapes.
But, maybe I can save some other people.
I don't want to hurt any of these people,
But they made me want to die,
Or they didn't help me when they could have,
And they need to know that;
So that they don't do it again.
People used me,
And that hurt.
Others didn't believe me,
They instead believed the rumors:
Like Jessica.
And many others.
Now, as I said on tape nine,
Clay did NOT belong on these tapes.
He wanted to help,
But he didn't want to make me mad.
I'm sorry that we were never something more,
That I didn't open up to him.
But now it's too late:
I've made up my mind and I can't change it.
When I get home, I'm swallowing the pills,
And then I will be no more.
Only the tapes will be left.
I feel so empty.
I don't even feel guilty about what I let happen in the hot tub.
Do I hate myself for doing that?
Yes.
But, to let go of myself the rest of the way I needed to let him do it.
I needed my reputation to catch up with me.
No one even noticed the signs of me wanting to die:
I stopped having normal conversation,
I cut my hair,
I FREAKING PUT THE FACT THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF UP FOR DISCUSSION IN CLASS!
But what happened?
Everyone said since I filled the paper out anonymously I just wanted attention.
Really?
People don't normally joke about literally killing themselves.
Maybe if I wouldn't have given my first kiss to Justin,
Then maybe things would be different.
Maybe all the rumors wouldn't have started,
I wouldn't have been put on the best/worst list freshman year across from Jessica,
Maybe I would have given Clay a chance,
Maybe I wouldn't be on my way to kill myself now.
But that didn't happen, did it?
Nope.
So, now I'm going home to do it,
And after I mail these tapes,
There's no turning back.
Depressing, I know. But that's how the story is. I couldn't have done what Hannah did, and I'm glad for that. It's just how the book is. I like sad stories. haha. Please Read and Review. =)
