Disclaimer stuff: I don't own the Labyrinth or any of it's characters, I'm just unofficially spoofing it. :) enjoy.
(The scene opens up on a lovely green park. It's a cloudy yet enjoyable day out. A young girl-- dressed in a dress fit for a princess and a lovely garland-- stands alone at the edge of the park, reciting to the air a well-known ballad from the depths of her heart.)
Sarah: You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in then you.... you.... dang. I can never remember that part. (Her dog barks, who is watching from a distance) Oh, like it never happens to you! (Suddenly, the nearby clock tower starts to chime seven. Sarah gasps) Sweet bouncin' Bobby! It's seven already? C'mon, Merlin, gotta go! (They take of down the street, around the corner, up a hill, under a bridge, around the bend, and, oh, through an alleyway or two. Finally, they arrive home. It suddenly starts raining).
Sarah: Augh, this is crunk!
(Her step mom opens the door)
Step mom: You rotten kid! You're late!
Sarah: Yes, Mother dear. I apologize profusely. Is there anything I can do to redeem myself?
Step mom: Me and your dad are going crow shooting tonight. Watch the kid.
Sarah: Yes ma'am!
Step mom: Get upstairs!
Sarah: On my way! (Sarah leaps up the stairs in an annoyingly cheerful fashion)
Step mom: I shoulda sent you to boarding school!
(Sarah goes to her room to find that her favorite bear is missing from her shelf. She goes to her little brother Toby's room and finds it on the floor beside his crib).
Sarah: Oh, there you are, Lancelot! Toby, would you like to play with Lancypoo? (She puts the bear in the crib and Toby spits up all over it)
Sarah: Oh, you're such a growing boy!
(Toby starts to cry, and Sarah lifts him over her shoulder)
Sarah: There, there, nothing to worry about. (Suddenly, out of nowhere, Toby takes a huge dump in his diaper). Eww! That tears it. (She lifts him over her head) JUMANJI!! Er...I mean...Goblin King, Goblin King! It's more than I can bear; get this stinky kid out of my hair! (This only makes Toby cry even more. Sarah sighs and puts him back over her shoulder. )Oh, calm down. I didn't mean it. If I meant it I would have said, "I wish the goblins would come and take you away...right now." (She puts Toby back into her crib and leaves the room. Strangely, as soon as she leaves, Toby stops his crying. She goes back to investigate. ) Toby? What's wrong? (She approaches the crib and she sees a small figure crawling around under the covers that isn't Toby.) What the-- (Suddenly, there is a flash of lightening, and Sarah sees and owl outside her window trying to get in. The window flies open. Sarah grabs a slingshot from under the bed.)
Sarah: Take this, you nasty bat! (She shoots a rock at the figure, but instead of hitting the owl, it hits a tall man who looks like a funky Robin Hood with a mullet).
Sarah: Oops, my bad...
Jareth: That hurt, you twit!
Sarah: Sorry! That's what you get for flying through people's window like you own the place? Who are you?
Jareth: I think you know who I am.
Sarah: Rod Stewart?
Jareth: No.
Sarah: Sting?
Jareth (annoyed) No.
Sarah: Ooh, I got it! You're David--
Jareth: No, you simple girl! I'm the Goblin King!
(Silence)
Sarah: The goblin king?
Jareth: (Proudly) Yes.
Sarah: Eh...
Jareth: What?
Sarah: Nothing...I guess I was expecting someone a bit more...intimidating.
Jareth: I am intimidating! See, listen (clears throat) I have your brother now, Sarah. I've freed you.
Sarah: You took my baby brother? What'd you go and do that for?
Jareth: What's said is said.
Sarah: I said that I didn't want him to go.
Jareth: Go back to your room, Sarah. Play with your costumes
Sarah: I want my brother back!
Jareth: I brought you a present. It's just a crystal. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way, it will show you your dreams.
Sarah: Are you even listening to me?
Jareth: But it isn't for ordinary girls...
Sarah: (holds her forehead)
Jareth: Girls who take care of screaming babies--
Sarah: Look, Goblin Guy-- (Jareth corrects her) Okay, look, Jareth, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but my step mom is going to bash my head in like a rotten pumpkin if I don't get the kid back.
Jareth: Very well then. (He points out of the window, towards a castle in the distance that wasn't there before. It's surrounded by a seemingly impossible maze).
Sarah: Ooh! The castle beyond the Goblin city!
Jareth: Ding ding. (Rolls his eyes)
(She looks back to him, and they are no longer in the house, but a top a windy hill. Jareth points to a clock sitting in a tree that is numbered to thirteen instead of twelve)
You have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth.Sarah: (Pokes at the clock) I think they're something wrong with it...you'd better get your money back.
Jareth: (Impatiently) The clock is fine!
Sarah: It goes up to thirteen--
Jareth: Do you want your friggin brother back or not??
Sarah: All right, fine! Solve the labyrinth. Got ya.
Jareth: Like I said, you have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth, or your brother will become one of us.
Sarah: Ew!
Jareth: Beginning now! (He transforms into an owl once more, then with a flutter, he flies off towards the distant castle)
Sarah: Oh, it's all easy for him, I've gotta do it the hard way. Lousy bat...
