Okay welcome to my new little project. I want all to know that this will be a very personal journey for me, a very emotional one, but one that I am pleased to share with all of you! I hope you enjoy and I would be now where without my beautiful beta Kay D, I loves you bunches, thank you for taking this journey with me!
I never planned for my life to be this way, walking around like a shell of the person I wanted to be. I had dreams of the life I wanted to live, the person I wanted to be. I didn't plan from the beginning to lie to everyone around me. My family, my friends, everybody! It's not the life I wanted for myself, but here I am stuck in it, clawing at the walls trying to find a way to climb out.
We don't start out as children hoping to end up lying to everyone we love and even ourselves most of the time. I can still remember sitting on my daddies lap when I was 6. I told him that day sitting in our kitchen that I wanted to marry him some day. I loved my father because he was always there for me. He did everything he possibly could to see me happy and to make sure I had the things I needed and wanted. He didn't yell at me or spank me or call me names; he treated me so perfect that I decided I wanted to marry him.
I sit back now and realize that as a child I had the right idea, but as an adult I have thoroughly fucked up. As a child, I knew I wanted someone that would be good to me, make me happy, and love me for who I was. As an adult, I question if anyone really loves me. I mean, let's think about this logically . Can you truly love someone you don't even know?
Can these people in my life go day in, day out and love me when I can't even let them see who I really am? I have these feelings, these desires, that scream from inside and want to tear their way out, but I am so scared. So scared to know what some would think, what they might say if they knew what I wanted.
I sit here thinking about the fact that I am married to a man I do not love, I live in a place that I can't stand, the walls of my house are closing in on me every day, and the woman inside me is clawing her way out day by day. I can't keep this under wrap much longer, or I fear I will lose control. Now is the time to make the leap and live for once. I've always been what everybody wanted me to be, said what they wanted me to say, but now I am just ready to let it all go and just be me, plain old me!
Do you leave the comforts of everything you have ever known to embark on a journey of self discovery? Do you risk everyone you love hating you for the person you want and need to be? It's a scary thought to know I could be alone in this journey, but it's thrilling at the same time.
So it all boils down to this very moment! If i do this, if I touch and feel and let go, it will never be the same. I will never be able to deny myself this again. I want it so bad; I have needed it for so long. I have pushed the desires deep down to the recesses of my soul, but I feel I can no longer deny what I need, who I need!
So the question is, do you risk hurting every single person in your life to have what you want, what you crave?
My name is Isabella Marie Swan, and I'm about to find out!
Alright kiddies this is where we take off! Leave me some love or some hate and I will reply. I don't really have a schedule for this story I will just update as I go! Thanks for reading, until next time!
