Suck My Kakarot, by Mario Always Dies
Summary: A pimp named Frieza is the most notorious pimp in all the universe and demands new recruits, which brings the saiyans to planet earth. Goku, however, has no interest in selling his buttocks to the forces of evil today.
Radditz Comes Knocking
Goku was at Kame House chilling with his pals, until he felt his butthole clench. A great evil was approaching.
"Aww shit," said Goku, beside himself with fear over this awesome and overwhelming power. "Gohan, go hide."
"But why, daddy?" said Gohan, but it was too late. Radditz had arrived.
"Kakarot, we meet at last," said Radditz. "Where them bitches and hoes at? Round 'em up on my ship in one hour so we can get the fuck outta here, son."
"What bitches and hoes?" said Bulma, preparing her gun and mace. "You're a sex trafficker!"
"Your bottom bitch speaking out of turn, fo'," said Radditz, laughing for reasons that went well beyond Goku's comprehension. Bulma, however, was beside herself with rage. Teeth clenched and trigger finger at the ready, she would fight for the liberty of her body at all costs.
"Excuse me?" said Bulma. "I am NO ONE'S bottom bitch. I am my own bitch, ready to pop a cap in yo' ass, fo'!" She let loose a few clips, and Radditz caught them all, laughing at her pitiful attempt to kill him.
"Saiyans have evolved past the use of guns, you silly ho."
"What's a saiyan?" said Goku. Radditz was aghast with shock.
"What's a saiyan? You're kidding, right? You best be playin', homie."
"Nope, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you need to get the fuck outta here, or else."
"Or else what?" Radditz growled. "I don't have time for this, Kakarot. Tell me where the bitches and hoes at now, or I'll blast you all into the next dimension."
"There ain't no bitches and hoes, man," said Goku. "Get the fuck outta here. NOW."
"I don't think so. Bitch, you coming with me," said Radditz to Bulma, taking her by force. She'd dropped her mace in the process.
"If you want your bottom bitch to live, you'll pack my ship with the bitches and hoes you owe us. You got one hour. Peace out, brother."
"LET ME GO, YOU FREAK!" screamed Bulma, helpless against the awesome strength of Radditz, but still unwilling to succumb to his sex trafficking bullshit. She'd sooner die than be anyone's whore. Just like that, though, Radditz took off into the sky.
"Aww fuck," said Goku. "He's too strong. How the fuck am I supposed to beat him?"
"With my help," said Piccolo, who came out of nowhere. Goku frowned.
"No way, man. We're enemies, aren't we?"
"You want to save your bottom bitch, or not? Let's go, asshole."
"Why does everyone keep saying Bulma's my bottom bitch. I don't even know what that is," said Goku, scratching his head. "But if it's a fight Radditz wants it's a fight he'll get. I'm in. Let's go, Piccolo."
"Wait, daddy," said Gohan in tears. "Don't leave without me. I'm scared."
"Gohan, daddy will be right back. Be good for Master Roshi and Krillin, OK?"
"OK daddy," said Gohan, dejected.
"What? Kakarot suffered a traumatic injury to the head as a baby and doesn't remember who I am?"
"That's right, buster. He doesn't remember what you monsters set him out to do. He's not going to join your sex trafficking ring because he's one of the good guys. So you'd best suck it up and get the fuck outta here, if you know what's good for ya."
"How dare you?" said Radditz, slapping Bulma across the face. "You just a bitch. Don't ever speak to me that way!"
"Fuck you," said Bulma, spitting blood onto his shoes. "I'd rather die than submit to the nasty shit you saiyans do."
"That can be arranged," said Radditz, preparing to blast her in the face. She clenched her eyes shut, fearing the worst, until he powered down. "Never mind. My lord, Prince Vegeta, has been listening in on this entire conversation and has requested to deal with you personally. Your life is spared for now."
"Oh yeah, well FINE. Bring it on, Vegeta. I'm not scared. No one treats Bulma like a bitch. We'll liberate anyone trapped in intergalactic prostitution, you hear me? Goku will free them all, and you'll all get yo asses BEAT."
"Oh my God, SHUT UP," said Radditz, throwing her into his ship. Her piercing screams could not be heard from the outside. His sweet relief was short-lived, though, because before him landed Goku and Piccolo, both stripping themselves of their weighted clothing.
"Good, Kakarot. Looks like you bothered to get swole, at least. Yes, I can see it now. Women and men throughout the galaxy will pay top dollar for dat ass. The Ginyu Force in particular has a mighty thirst for saiyans. And a Namek? How... exotic. My lord will be most impressed. Bitches and hoes got nothing on this."
"Piccolo and I aren't fucking prostitutes, and neither is Bulma! Let her go now!"
"Nope. Lord Vegeta wants her, so you'll have to pry her out of my cold, dead fingers now."
"That can be arranged," said Goku, settling into his signature fighting pose. It was on now.
He and Piccolo charged toward Radditz and full force, each throwing punches at him and assessing the full scope of his power. Radditz blocked every punch, yawned, and laughed the moment they ran out of breath.
"Not good, Kakarot. You'll need more stamina than that to survive in intergalactic brothels."
"I'm not going to any intergalactic brothel, you piece of shit," said Goku, kicking Radditz right in the dick. The larger saiyan hunched over, sweat beading down his brow as Goku got behind him and grabbed his tail with all his might. "Piccolo, now."
"It's gonna take some time. Just hold him steady while I power up."
"KAKAROT!" a voice erupted from the device on Radditz's ear. The volume caused a trickle of blood to slide down his cheek. "DO YOU HEAR ME?"
"Who are you?" Goku asked.
"THIS IS YOUR PRINCE. YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS LORD VEGETA. UNDERSTOOD?"
"Fuck no," said Goku. "I don't even know you."
"My lord," said Radditz in agony. "My tail. Your voice. The pain."
"DON'T BE A PUSSY, RADDITZ," said Vegeta, causing the large saiyan to quiver. "GEEZ, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU GOT A SPLINTER FROM BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY AN ALIEN TREE."
"That tree hurt my tushie," said Radditz in a whimper. Goku was starting to get choked up as he realized Radditz was as much a victim as anyone else.
"Don't let go of his tail, Goku," said Piccolo. "If you let go of his tail, we're done for."
"GO AHEAD AND KILL HIM," said Vegeta, making Radditz wince. "I HAVE NO NEED FOR FUCKING WEAKLINGS. I'LL COME TO EARTH AND GET THEM BITCHES AND HOES MYSELF, STARTING WITH THAT BULMA. OH HER ASS IS MINE PERSONALLY. YOURS, TOO, KAKAROT. YOU HEAR ME? PREPARE YOUR ANUS FOR LORD VEGETA!"
Then the scouter on Radditz's face exploded and that was it. The saiyans were coming, and there was nothing Goku and Piccolo could do about it.
"I'm gonna fucking fire!" said Piccolo, ready to release his special beam cannon. Goku, however, felt his grip on Radditz's tail begin to slip.
"Just fucking kill me," said Radditz with a sob. "Release me from this hell."
"I..." said Goku, letting that tail go the exact moment Piccolo unleashed his attack.
"No, Goku!" Piccolo belted, but it was too late.
