I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants as I sat anxiously waiting for Sara to arrive at the restaurant. Sara has been my sister for 26 years, my girlfriend for seven years. She has been my support for my entire life and I'm scared out of my skull for this dinner. Sara has said since day one of us being together that she will be by my side for anything, but I don't think this had ever crossed her mind. It first entered my mind many years ago but as the years went on its something I think about more and more. Ever since I could remember, I've always been a tomboy. Everyone who knows me knows that it's such a prominent part of me.
"Excuse me Sir, is this seat taken," I hear Sara whisper in my ear as she places her hand on my back. My eyes widen and my face flushed at her use of the word "sir".
"Oh, hey Sare. You scared me. Sit down, I ordered a bottle of your favorite wine."
"Aw you're so sweet to me Tee," She said smiling widely. "Or are you just trying to get me wined up for this news of yours?"
I laughed nervously and played with the little tail of overgrown hair above my neck. "Maybe a little bit. How was your day though?" Sara and I lived in the same building, "my" apartment was smaller than Sara's but really we lived together most of the time. We bought a penthouse together. We kept both so we could fool people when needed. Most of our friends knew, our mom figured it out a few years back, so far no one had reacted negatively to us. Over the past few months I've been spending slightly more time than usual at my place. It was sometimes stressful to hide what felt like my true self from Sara, I needed alone time to relax to keep Sara from noticing something is up.
Sara's eyes were warm, making me feel at home. "You're trying to change the subject but I'll allow it since this is the most nervous I've seen you in a while. My day was very good, dear. I went to the store to pick you up a present or two. And I went grocery shopping and went and bought some new clothes too."
Sara saying she got me a present caught me off guard. "A present, why would you do that?"
She laughed lightly, a sound that I could never grow tired of loving. "I'll tell you later."
Sara and I continued talking through our meal, our waiter took away our plates moments ago. We were on our second bottle of wine, both of us feeling noticeably lighter, the couple glasses of wine working well with our bodies. We talked about what direction we were going to take our new album, how well our touring of Heartthrob went, how our friends and family are, etc. The waiter returned with our check. Sara already had her money out before I even registered the bill on the table.
"I got the check, Teeg. Now, what's our plan? Are we staying here, going elsewhere or for a walk, going back home?"
Sara seemed eager for our talk, my nervousness grew as it got later, the clock ticking down on the night. It was only a matter of time before I had to tell Sara. I again wiped my hand on my pants, "Uhm, let's take a long walk home."
She smiled again as she stood up, her hand out for me to take. I stood, taking her hand in mine as she led me out of the restaurant. Sara was leading us, my mind was running rampant with scenarios of how the next ten minutes will go. I took in a deep breath, holding it in for a bit before letting it out into the summer air. I squeezed Sara's hand a little tighter, "So Sare,"
I finally picked up my head, Sara's eyes already on mine. Her smile was so pure and loving, I wanted to live in this moment for the rest of time. She stopped our walk and turned to me, " I love you so much Tegan Rain. Remember, we don't shy away no matter what." Her words comforted me, I relaxed into her hug, leaning in to kiss her softly.
"I love you Sare. I hope this doesn't change your feelings for me."
I began to turn back, continuing our walk. Sara's hand met my hip, stopping my turn. Her hand rested on my cheek, causing my skin to redden. Her smile had faded, a spark lit in her eyes. "Tegan, nothing will change this. Nothing can ruin you for me."
We turned to continue our walk. "I really don't know where to start. If this gets confusing, stop me."
"Go ahead babe, I'm all ears."
I started talking, I began by telling her about being a tomboy, being four or five and wanting to be a boy. Growing up feeling odd being in the body of a female. I was comfortable with my body, but I think it was only because I was in love with Sara's, her body identical to mine. I never fully felt like my body was mine. I avoided eye contact for the entire talk, I let go of Sara's hand a few minutes ago. Both relieving her from the sweatiness of my hand and freeing my hands so I could writhe them together myself. "So yeah, I've talked to my doctor and I'm ready to start taking T whenever I give the go- ahead. I'm sorry if I've been weird or anything lately, I just wasn't sure how to tell you any of this…" Sara had her hands in her pocket, her head turned away from me, looking at the buildings as we passed. "Sare? Please say something?"
Sara turned and chuckled a bit "Sorry Tee, the last part sounded like you had something else to say. Come with me, I have something for you." We walked the block and a half to our building. Sara has yet to say anything other than that he has something for me. Even though she sounded neutral, I was still very worried that she would have a bad reaction. I mean, she would have already reacted if she hated the idea right? "Tee," Sara asked as she took my hand in hers again. I kept my eyes trained on the ground. Sara sighed, tightening her grip on my hand as the elevator dinged, signaling our arrival to the door.
We walked inside, "Sit here, I'll be right back," Sara instructed. I sat for a moment, my mind running wild with the thought of Sara being disgusted by this thought. I stood up and began pacing. What if she wants me to leave, or wants nothing to do with me. I bit my lip as I wished away the tears gathering on the rim of my eye lids. Sara quietly walked back into the room, I hadn't noticed her presence until her arms were around my sides. "Open this."
I took the navy colored gift bag and turned to take a seat back on the sofa. Sara came to stand in front of me, though I still avoided her eyes I felt on my hands. There were two wrapped presents in the bag. I looked up at her, she had her hands behind her back as she nodded for me to open the presents. I chose the first I got out, carefully tearing the paper off. My fingers found a tan fabric folded up within itself, I looked up again with an inquisitive stare. She motioned for me to open it up, I did as she requested then looked back up with the same face as before. "You're not great at this," Sara said through her giggle. She took it in her hand and undid the Velcro that I was unaware of. She straddled my thighs and wrapped the ace bandage-like material around my chest. Oh. OH! "It's a binder you goof."
"Wha- Sara? A binder?" She laughed a little, taking the other present in her hand and ripping it open.
"Now I'm not sure if you want these or whatever but," She paused as she took out the pair of black boxer briefs. I was once again confused until she took my hand, placing it on the crotch of the briefs. There was a padded bulge within the material. My eyes went wide, forcing another laugh out of Sara. "I've kinda known for a while now Tee. I was just waiting for you to tell me."
"Sara! Why wouldn't you tell me you knew! You know what I've gone through trying to come up with the courage to tell you."
Sara brought my face to hers, kissing me through her chuckles. "Because I knew you weren't ready for me to know. So I kept quiet. I just kept imagining you as a guy, thinking how hot you'll be."
"You're okay with it? Seriously? But like, you're a lesbian."
"Yes I'm a lesbian, but I love you, very much I might add." Sara talked slowly as she took the binder back off my body. "And I will be happy as long as you're happy. Though, I must say, I'll definitely miss these," she teased as she circled her thumb around my nipples.
I moaned at the pressure she was using in her circling, "Ahh. Yeah, I'm really gonna miss this. I'll keep 'em for a while though."
Sara grinned down at me. "I would appreciate that. But now that you've told me, I'm definitely going to be showing them more love." Sara ground her ass down into my crotch. "Is there anything I do that makes you uncomfortable?"
I tossed my head back laughing. "She says as grinding into me." Sara's face dropped, her hips stopping the circling. "No, no. I just find you funny. Nothing you do makes me uncomfortable. But actually…" I thought, happy that her face had changed back to her turned on face, her grinding picking back up.
"As long as it's not this," she breathed through a moan. "Because this is my fucking favorite."
"No, its absolutely not this. This is too fucking good," I moaned and my hips lifted to push into her more. "I was just wondering, if maybe- I don't know- if you'd be comfortable with using gender neutral pronouns for me?"
Sara smiled widely. "Of course tee, anything you want dear. And if you don't mind me asking, have you found an identity you are comfortable with?"
"Uh yeah, I think bi-gender is pretty good but I'm kind of leaning towards demi-boy. Demi-boy is-"
"I know what it is. I've done a good bit of reading on the topics. I kinda pictured that being what you would identify with."
I smiled widely at Sara, "You really are completely okay with this, aren't you?"
Sara lifted herself off my lap, causing me to sigh when my body noticed the absence of grinding. "Yes babe, I am one thousand percent okay with this." Sara put her hand out, motioning for me to get up, I followed her into the bedroom. She guided us to the dresser, oh boy, Sara's going to do something cheesy with a strap on. "Turn around." I did as she said and waited for something to happen. I heard the drawer open and close, then nothing for a few second. I felt Sara turn, her mouth making my stomach do flips as she hit my favorite spots. She put her hand into the waistband of my pants. "Get rid of these."
I lingered for a second as I reveled in the feeling of her teeth brushing against my skin as her tongue followed. Then I undid the pants button and lowered them down my legs and bent to take them away from my ankles. I felt Sara's hands on the front of my hips as she pulled my ass into her core. I then felt a sharp pinch, then a warmth. "Ow, what the fuck was that?"
Laughter bounced off the walls of the room, I turned to find Sara holding a needle in her hand. "That, my love, was your first testosterone injection."
My eyes went wide as I rubbed the spot on my butt cheek. "What? How did you get ahold of that? I'm not supposed to start for another month or so."
"Well yes, but a few months ago I went to your doctor and we talked. I begged to let me do this because I wanted you to know just how okay with this I am. So he gave me the T and the other things you needed. And now here we are," she smiled at me so wide, her cheeks a light rose.
I grabbed the needle and placed it in the drawer as pulled her into my lips by the back of her neck. I picked up her with my hands under her thighs and placed her on the dresser. "You, Sara Quin," I spoke through kisses, my hands making their way up her shirt, "are the most amazing person in existence. I love you with all my heart."
My heart swelled, the person I love most in this world, my girlfriend and sister is completely alright with me transitioning. I knew Sara has always been open minded, but I never expected to this degree. To have her be so accepting to this that she actually spoke to my doctor and gave me my first shot of T, it lit my life up. I could never be happier than with her in my arms right now. Well, maybe when I'm legally a male with her in my arms.
