A/N: So dear Readers, Jalice has returned! They just won't let me go (especially Jasper)! This story is set during the New Moon period. I hope you will like this re-telling of the story from their points of view. For those who have not read my origin story of Jalice, "Visions of Love", I encourage you to do so. Not because I'm giving myself a plug (okay, maybe I am!) but also because it may help make some of the references in this story make more sense. And for those of my loyal readers who have also been reading my Carlisle/Esme origin story "Whom I Love Alone", I am working on the final chapter and hope to post it soon as well. As always, please review and let me know what you think! I love hearing from my readers!
Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I also claim no rights to the Poe poem featured in this chapter.
Underneath It All
Chapter 1: Dreams
Jasper's POV
It had finally happened. What I'd feared all these years had come true.
With one weak moment, I'd destroyed my family—our life. My love.
I stopped running and looked around the vast snowy whiteness. It glittered in the moonlight like a million diamonds. It wasn't my first trek across Alaska—trying to outrun my past, my weakness. Alice.
I'd done this years before when my pixie and I had first found the Cullens and my shame of my past and my fear of the intense love for Alice, my pixie, had prompted my foolish and not well-thought-out plan to hightail my Texas butt to Siberia.
A bitter chuckle escaped my lips at the memory. If only I hadn't let Edward talk me into coming back. Hell's bells, who was I kidding? He'd never had to talk me into coming back. The gravitational pull between Alice and me had been what allowed me to give in so quickly to his demands. That time. This time there'd been no question I would stay. And this time, his attempt at stopping me had been half-hearted at best.
Not that I blamed him. I'd done my damndest to deprive him of the eternal happiness of his love. His Bella. My throat went up in flames at the memory of the sweet scent that one single drop of blood had evoked. Huge plumes of cold arctic air wafted in front of my face as my breathing grew heavier at the memory.
If I thought about the decades that my existence had been washed in blood—those visceral years with Maria—the destruction we'd caused had been nothing in comparison to the utter devastation I had wreaked in one instant. All over that one stupid drop of blood. And now all was lost.
I'd told Edward I was going to Denali, had asked him to look after my pixie. And at the time, it had been true. It had to be. Because if Alice had seen my true intentions…a slight shudder went down my spine at the thought. You just didn't cross Alice. She could be ruthless when it came to getting her way.
I felt one side of my mouth pull up in a grin as I thought of my pixie in full take-charge mode. She was way scarier than any soldier I'd ever encountered—human or vampire. Scary wrapped up in a gorgeous tiny package. But as I'd known all those years ago when she'd first grasped my hand in that dingy Philadelphia diner, she was a dream, a mirage, a vision that I could not hold in my grasp. Did not deserve to hold her in my grasp. I'd reached above myself and for years had fooled myself into thinking I could live my dream with Alice.
I raised my hand to the inner pocket of the leather jacket I wore. I gently brushed my fingertips against the smooth hard surface that rested there. My talisman. My family had no idea that the slim volume of poetry had been with me every day for the past forty years or so. Ever since the day it had come to represent that hope that I carried deep inside me that somehow my love for Alice—her love for me—well, that it would be enough. That was the day I'd first truly felt a part of the Cullen family, when we'd rid ourselves of my maker, Maria, for good.
I slowly slid the brown leather book from my pocket and looked down. There were only the tiniest speck left of the gilt that had emphasized the imprinted title. Eternal Love. The volume had once been a part of Carlisle's vast library. I had no idea if he'd missed it all these decades. He'd never mentioned it but I'd found his and Esme's handwriting on a couple of the poems. Elizabeth Barrett Browning sonnets. I'd eventually learned this over my years of high school English and college literature classes.
I ran my index fingertip along the edge. I intended to open the volume to my favorite poem, the one I'd first read to Alice on a long-ago picnic right before our wedding. Instead, the book fell open and as I read the page it'd fallen on I realized it had a greater significance for my current predicament than any ill-fated dream I'd had for an eternity spent with my pixie. The title said it all, A Dream Within A Dream.
Humph. It was not lost on me that it was an Edgar Allan Poe work, that master of monsters. My brow furrowed as I read on…
Take
this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus
much let me avow:
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have
been a dream;
Yet if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a
day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less
gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream
within a dream
A low frustrated growl rang out through my clenched teeth as I snapped the book shut and angrily shoved it back in my pocket. My mind completely focused on my self-loathing and misery, I jumped about a foot in the air when the shrill ring of my cell phone pierced the night. Damn, it seemed as if you could get service just about anywhere these days. Even in the Alaska wilderness. I should've known. I think Carlisle often talked to the sisters in Denali that way.
With a heavy sigh, I pulled it out of my jeans pocket and checked the caller ID. I crude curse escaped my lips and I frowned at the screen. Hell, I couldn't put it off forever. But a few more hours' head start on my plan would have been nice.
I flipped the phone open and hear her tiny voice that matched her tiny frame before it'd even reached my ear. Tiny but imperious all the same. And yet vulnerable. I knew her fear that I would one day leave, unable to embrace the Cullen lifestyle was always there, the albatross around both of our necks. On a day like today, her fear was completely valid.
"Where are you, cowboy?" I could tell she was purposely keeping her tone light. I paused before responding, trying to decide if I was busted. I heard her impatient sigh at the other end of the line. Yep, definitely busted. Maybe best to play this one off.
Of course, it never took much to give in to her wishes and with my confidence shaken the way it had been in the past twenty-four hours, I needed her desperately. The stability she brought me, her faith in me when I didn't have it in myself. Most of all, the healing balm of her love. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be cured. I made a terrible Cullen. But her love for me, it made me want to do my damndest. But after Bella's disastrous party, I wasn't sure that her love for me—or my love for her, for that matter—was going to be enough this time.
"Halfway to Denali. I thought it might be best if I stayed with Tanya and the others for a while." I decided to stick with the cover story I'd fed Edward even though I was sure she knew it wasn't true. One of the drawbacks of having a wife who could see the future with uncanny accuracy.
"Did you?" The steel edge of anger tinged her sing-song voice. I felt a small shiver at her tone. One shouldn't be fooled by her size. My pixie was incredibly fearsome when she was angry. Almost as scary angry as she could be ruthless when there was something she wanted. Just nicer about it. And utterly irresistible.
She was my kryptonite. Since coming to live with the Cullens, Emmett had gotten me into comic books. But today I was feeling much more the villain than I had probably since leaving Maria and her newborn vampire armies. Well, if I was the villain, best I embrace the role, even if it meant hurting Alice. Besides, I'd already destroyed the family that she so desperately craved. Really, how much more damage could I really inflict at this point? She was going to be better off without me. Carlisle and Esme would take care of her. Edward too. Especially since I'd destroyed his chance at happiness too.
My stomach clenched and the overwhelming sensation of desolation rolled over me as I saw the shocked look on poor Bella's face as I'd lunged for her and the anger and disgust on my brother's as he'd stopped me from stealing her life from him. All that I'd done for forty years to keep that monster in check, to be the many my pixie deserved disappeared in one fateful millisecond.
I knew I should have hunted before the party, but Alice had distracted me with all of her party chores…and other more pleasurable things. Hell's bells, what was I thinking? It was my weakness that had done it. My lack of discipline that had always been my Achilles heel. It would have happened eventually. Why else would my family have kept such a careful watch over me for decades? They'd know I would snap one day as well.
As the self-loathing washed over me yet again, Alice's voice broke through. Still sharp, yet tinged with panic, "Soldier, you still there?" That uncertainty in her sing-song voice could pierce my unbeating heart like no other sound on earth. But anger at myself, for what I'd done—for what I'd yet to do—caused my voice to be gruffer, my Texas twang more pronounced than usual.
"Yeah, pixie. Yeah, I'm here." I heard her sigh in relief on the other end. For now. The traitorous unspoken thought shot through my mind. "Jazz, please tell me you're not really thinking about going off by yourself? To Siberia?" She sighed again but this time I heard her exasperation. "We're not back to that again, are we?"
I wanted to speak up, tell her how wrong she was to believe in me, to still want me around but I couldn't pry my lips apart to get the words out. "Okay, cowboy, I'm not going to push." An involuntary snort came out at her words. "I'm not!" Her voice was shrill with annoyance, maybe a little embarrassment.
I had to stop her before she said anything else. Before she made it impossible for me to stick to my plan. It was time for her to see the monster she'd never believed me to be. Which she apparently still didn't believe even after I'd tried to kill her best friend.
But I knew that deep down, underneath it all, I could never go back, be part of the family, be the husband she deserved because I was the exact opposite of all those things—a scarred, evil undisciplined monster. I was truly a vampire despite my best efforts not to be. And she had to know. And finally believe—visions or no.
Alice's POV
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. No two tons of bricks. And the truck that had been carrying the bricks.
I mean, I knew he wasn't planning on going to Denali. Times like these were when visions of the future came in handy. I knew there was a vague plan of going off to Siberia again amongst the wolves and the polar bears. Really I knew he just wanted to go anywhere where he would be utterly and completely alone. Even without me. And that—that I could not abide. I could not live where he was not. And stupid, stubborn Texas mule that he was, he still didn't get that.
But then when I'd busted him on his plan, the words that reached out to me over the inadequate technology of a phone, had shattered me into a million pieces. He didn't love me enough. He didn't want to be a part of the family anymore. He didn't want me.
It was monstrous what he was saying. And I didn't believe one word of it. Not really. My fingers were numb and I wasn't sure how I hadn't dropped the phone yet. I inhaled a deep breath to control the trembling that had started in my toes and spread through the rest of my body. I knew he was upset with himself, confused. This was why I'd wanted to go after him initially. But I'd been so worried about Bella and I had thought that if anyone else could convince him to stay it'd be Edward. Though not as close as he and Emmett, Jasper and Edward shared certain bonds—their special abilities, the struggle with their vampiric natures, the way neither of them knew how underneath it all, they were so very good at their cores. But it hadn't worked.
And now it was as I'd feared. I was losing him. I needed to see him in person. If I could be in his presence, I knew I could convince him. We were leaving Forks anyway. Edward's overreaction to what had happened at the party was dictating this move. Ironically, I realized that it was yet another thing these two stubborn men had in common—overreacting in their desire to protect the ones they loved.
"Jazz." It came out as a whisper. He'd finished his little speech and fallen silent. But he hadn't hung up. And that was a good sign. I had to play this hand right or I'd be broke. And broken. After what seemed like the longest pause in human history, he finally said in a defeated tone, "Yeah."
Images flitted through my mind as if just occurring although they were memories of nearly four decades ago. The days when we'd first come together and found the Cullens had not been easy ones. But some of them were the best memories of my existence. I thought of the first time he'd left me in the woods, how remorseful he'd been when he'd returned, how glorious our reunion and how he'd proposed. I saw the image of him standing in that fairy-like white gazebo in his tuxedo as twilight descended and of the solemn vow he'd made to be with me for eternity. Well, now was not the time to play fair. I pulled out my best persuasive pixie tone.
"I don't want to do this over the phone. I deserve better than that. I deserve to have you look me in the eyes when you say these things. And then if you really, truly mean them, I promise, I will let you go. I won't look for you. I won't see you out. I won't force you to stay. Deal?" I held my breath waiting for his answer and I threw up a silent prayer that my words had the desired effect. I heard him blow out a long deep breath. And then I saw it. He was going to agree.
"Okay, pixie. You're right. You deserve that much. But I don't want to come back to Forks." I breathed a silent sigh of relief and I felt the head rush as that same relief swept through my body. Thank goodness I was a vampire or I might have passed out right on the spot. He was right. I needed him to be somewhere that would bring back all of the emotions, the reasons we belonged together.
"No, you're right. Not Forks. Gustavus. The tower room. Can you be there by tomorrow?" I was definitely not playing fair now but I thought it was going to work. We needed to be back where it all began. Where we'd first declared our love. Where we'd been married. I was eternally grateful that Carlisle held onto all of our homes, never knowing when we might need to return to one.
"I'll be there." He tersely replied. And then the line was silent. I knew he was gone. I felt a little bereft at the thought. But deep down, underneath it all, I also felt hope. All I needed was one chance to show him that he was not the monster he believed he was. And then after that, I'd figure out how to put our family back together that Edward seemed so intent on destroying. I let out a deep sigh. Oh, these stubborn, overreacting, overprotective fools! What was I going to do with them? I shook my head and took off to find Carlisle. Once again, it was up to me to save my family. And my marriage.
