Rated T for eating disorders and possible self harm.

Bella is more broken and scarred than anyone could ever know. The death of her mother and painful memories have taken their toll on her and she's found her own ways to cope; an eating disorder and the edge of a blade. When she moves to Forks, she meets Edward. As the two grow closer and closer will Edward discover her dark secrets? Can he save her, or is Bella beyond healing?


I can't remember,

The last time I've seen my own eyes…

Or the color of my skin,

Do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?

-Waltz Moore ; From First To Last -


Chapter One - The Last Nail in the Coffin

"Ring around the Rosie, pockets full of posy – ashes, ashes, we all fall down!"

I looked up at the sound of their voices. Three small children were twirling in circles giggling uncontrollably. I watched as they repeated the verse once more, falling backwards onto the grass. A woman sat near them, on the other park bench, gazing at them like I did. Their mother.

Mother. I thought to myself. I felt a spasm of pain shoot through me at the word and looked away from the group.

It had only been a few weeks since the fire, just a few weeks since the funeral. I still felt like I had had the wind knocked out of me every time something reminded me of her.

The night of the fire, I hadn't been with my mother. I should have been, I was supposed to be, but I wasn't. For the first time, I had been invited to a party, by a girl I met at school. After Renee had refused to let me go, I had transformed into the rebellious teenager I had never been known to be. I had snuck out, leaving my mother alone when she most needed me, when the flames consumed our house.

I was so ashamed. How could I have chosen that night to leave her? And for a party for gods sakes. A stupid fricking high school party.

I felt the bile rise in my throat, but pushed it back down. How could I have done that?

The small truthful voice in my mind spoke up.

You are right Bella. How could you? She was your mother. The one who cared about you most and you left her alone.

No…no, I didn't know. I wouldn't have left if I had known that would happen…

But you did leave, Bella. You disgusting little freak. You. Left. Her. You left her to die while you were out getting drunk and flirting with college boys at that party, you sick whore.

The tears were welling up in my eyes now. I was always fighting with my personal demons, but the worst part was, my demons were always right. I had left her, whether I had known or not, I had left her and that was unforgivable.

This time when I felt the bile rising up I didn't fight it. I sprang up from the park bench, and sprinted away from the people surrounding me. The voice continued to scream as I ran, not stopping until I was far into the trees surrounding the play area. Too far away for anyone to hear me. I knelt in the grass and let the acidic taste fill my mouth, vomiting into the grass.

The voice was silent. I breathed out a shaky breath. I only knew a few ways to silence the voice that screamed my unworthiness. I calmed it with hunger most of the time, occasionally eating until I was full and forcing the food back up.

Other times I subdued it with a razor. As the voice in my head yelled and memories swirled back to meet me, I quieted them with the bite of the blade against my skin.

Some might call it crazy, but I call it necessary. I should have been killed that night but I wasn't. As far as I was concerned these were the only things that could ever help to pay for what I had done, although they would never be able to justify it even slightly.


//A.N. Oh shnap. It's another Twilight Fan Fic! Reviews would be awesome but I'm not stupid enough to expect a lot. Constructive criticism is always welcome but please don't be hateful. //Just to clear things up ('cause I know I suck at explaining things) Bella isn't schizophrenic it's just…her conscience? I dunno. In my mind when I wrote this she blames herself and the guilt she feels is leading her to self harm.//

So should I continue it or no…? I know this chapter was short, I just don't know if I'm going to write more yet.

muchas gracias :3

-Mary