See your perspective on life changes when you've had the ground pulled from beneath your feet. When you've got nothing in front of you but a life where people don't even see you - where all you bloody are is the ghost of a dead man – you start to see nothing but darkness. A life you question if it's even worth living and I mean, is it?

Molly was my ground. I thought we had it all set. She had my mum's ring on and it wouldn't be long before we were heading back home. For now, we just had to nail this bloke and then we were going to be tucked up safe in Bastion again. It was going to be great. In the long run, I mean. We were going to be married. I had it all pictured in my head; Mr and Mrs "Smurf" Smith living in Newport, a couple of little bleeders somewhere along the way too. Yeah, it was going to be perfect and we were going to be happy.

Of course though, things never map out how you want them too. He told her that he wanted her to be the last thing he ever sees – the Captain, that is. That was a stab in the gut right there, that was. I worshipped that man and he betrayed me – he knew Molly was mine. He bloody knew it. I could live with that though. Kick in the teeth or not, I could have managed as long as I still had Molly but it was her voice that broke me. "Ditto." Fucking ditto. She means everything to me and I thought I was everything to her. Apparently not; that's the Boss Man now.

I thought it was all going to be okay: I genuinely did. Molly put the light back into my life and now she's not mine and the light's gone back out. It's been a long time since I felt any kind of light in my life. Since Geraint died, everything's been a bit shit, to be honest.

See, people haven't seen me for a long time. I'm not "Smurf" anymore; I hadn't been for a long time. When people look at me – when my mother looks at me – they don't see me. They see Geraint. Him and the life that he'll never have. Do you know how hard that is? I can't even look at myself in the mirror without seeing the face of a dead man staring back. I'm a fucking twin without a twin. It's like there's been a bit of me missing since the Taliban put a bullet in his neck.

Since then, it's like there's been a bomb waiting for me. Only the bomb's not in Afghan; it's in my head. A ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Molly saw that, I guess. When I first came to Afghanistan, I didn't much care what happened to me. The way I saw it, if I lived then fine, but if I got sent back in a box with a bullet through my neck, that was alright too. I'm back to square one now because that's how I felt standing with my gun poised on Farmer Giles, back there. I just shot. I thought "fuck it" and shot and now because of me, I'm sat here, upright and conscious on my way to the medics whilst Captain James is laying on the stretch, unstable to say the least.

I messed up this time, haven't I?