Disclaimer: do not own the 100 but will be forever grateful for it restoring my faith that they're still credible writers out there with a truly great show.
In death we leave behind our truest self and reveal our greatest strength.
It had been a few days since the massacre of the mountain men, a few days of replaying her choices over and over; had she chosen differently would the burden she carries still be the same?
Clarke closes her eyes, she squeezes them tighter hoping that would make the faces fade; it doesn't- they grow even more vivid. This burden was supposed to be hers to bear, she was meant to be strong enough to shoulder it. Yet as Clarke feels the cold steel upon her temple, her arm heavy from the weight of the metal and the choice she is making, she feels anything but strong; maybe it will be easier to no longer feel at all...
Clarke keeps her eyes closed, she takes a shaky breath as she squeezes the trigger; images of her family, her mother and father are forefront in her mind, followed closely by her friends; Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, Jasper and Monty, each with a smile on their face. The guilt she feels grows ever more with each passing face, then she sees Finn and it makes her want to scream, she doesn't. Until Lexa - A face Clarke did not want to see, yet moments from their time together replay over and over; their first meeting, Clarke was instantly enamoured by the fearless leader before her. Their encounter with the giant pauna and the moment their bond became stronger. Clarke had saved Lexa's life, what good that did her...
Clarke has now become a person she no longer recognises because Lexa couldn't stay true to her word. That defining moment- May we meet again. How cold Lexa must be to face Clarke and say those words, for surely death was upon her without the help of the trikru.
It's not the image of the dead that finally makes her scream, not the faces of the children but the image of Lexa, of her walking away, because screw her for still making her heart flutter even after such a betrayal.
There was no one around to hear the scream, Clarke released all the pain she felt in that one exhale; if it were to be her last - it was damn well going to be something.
"Heda, Heda, Heda!" One of her warriors comes bursting through the tent. "Speak. What causes such worry?" Lexa asks of her warrior.
"We bring word of the Skaikru." At this Lexa straightens; she had sent scouts to observe the sky people and assess if they were to be a threat or not.
"What of them?" What about Clarke? Lexa wishes to ask, yet the question remains unspoken.
"The Skaikru are safe, Clarke led them home. She left no survivors behind." At this Lexa's mask slips. "None, are you sure?" Lexa couldn't believe it, she knew Clarke was capable of many things but she was adamant the innocent were to be unharmed. "Even the children. Heda no one survived except Skaikru. They walked back to their camp, some were injured. They had been tortured. We heard that the mountain men would have killed them all had it not been for Clarke." The warrior speaks with admiration of the sky princess, yet something unsettling lies within his gaze.
"What of Clarke?" The question can remain quiet no longer as a pounding began inside her chest.
"That is why I came. I found her. You said only to watch. To stay out of sight but I couldn't." The warrior stutters and gulps. Lexa stands furious and in lightning speed has her blade at her warrior's throat. "Speak, or lose your tongue!" The blade at the throat bobs up and down cutting into the warrior's skin as he gulps.
His eyes speak the words he cannot voice. "No." Lexa feels her world crumble and her heart shatters into even smaller pieces, the pieces Clarke had resurfaced obliterated. It couldn't be so. Lexa's hand falls limp by her side, she stares numbly ahead.
"I found her in the forest. A gun in her hand." The warrior speaks with sympathy; he knew how the Commander felt about the sky princess so he chose his words carefully.
Wetness falls from her eyes, a feeling foreign to her. It is this action that makes the warrior before her fall to his knees; for he feared the wrath of his Heda in this aftermath. "She lives. Clarke she live Heda. I hit her from behind. She sleeps here." At this Lexa's eyes fill with several emotions; joy, fear, anger. Anger at this man for making her believe Clarke to be dead, even for a second, but that had been her intention hadn't it, which fills Lexa with great sadness.
"Take me to her!" Lexa demands. The warrior retreats hastily; he knew not to be slow in this reveal. The warrior quickly leads Lexa to a small tent near the camp line. Lexa ignores the looks and whispers as she races towards where Clarke lay.
Lexa had a chance, she only wished it was under better circumstances, but she wasn't going to make the hard choice this time; this time she would let love in.
Lexa hesitates a moment when the warrior comes to a stop, he holds the flap of the tent open. "I accept any punishment you wish for disobeying an order, but I could not wish harm on the sky princess."
Under different circumstances Lexa would cut the man down where he stood, but he had saved Clarke and no code could hold true when it came to that.
"Who knows that she is here? Who saw?" Lexa asks she'd hate for people to know of Clarke's moment of weakness.
The warrior shakes his head. "No one. I was alone. I carried her here without any seeing. No one will know."
"You are free to go." Lexa says- they are the only words the warrior needs, all the thanks needed could be seen upon the commander's face; the relief in her eyes, the hesitant smile and the way her hand slightly shakes as she moves the tarp back to enter the tent.
Lexa inhales slowly calming her breathing, trying to get her emotions in check. Yet as she steps inside the tent and her eyes land upon Clarke, with a sharp exhale her facade crumbles and Lexa falls to her knees beside a still and pale Clarke. Her hand reaches for Clarke's idle one, gripping Clark's wrist and only once she feels the gentle thump of blood pumping within her wrist does Lexa truly believe; Clarke is okay.
It is in that moment of utter relief that Lexa realises; love is strength not weakness and even if Clarke refused, she would spend the rest of her living days proving that. For Clarke was the greatest strength the commander knew; she wasn't going to hide from it anymore, wasn't going to run from it but embrace it.
"Ste yuj, ai hod." Be strong, my love.
