A/N: Hi everyone! I don't really have much to say now cause I'm sick, but I really wanted to upload this. As some of you may have guessed, this is a R/R story. It's actually the first one that I've done that's NOT AU, so I'm curious to see how this goes. Here's a few things you need to know:
1.) It's set in season four.
2.) Ross and Emily are married and live in London.
3.) Rachel never attended their wedding, and therefore Ross never said her name.
4.) Monica and Chandler never happened...but I DO have plans for them! :)
5.) Monica and Rachel still live together.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Friends characters, but if you want to make a sick girls day, then you can buy me them. ;) I also don't own Faith Hill's song, Let me Let go. I don't want that as much, but hey, I'm not saying no to it!
Rachel could almost remember the last time she had felt happy. When she closed her eyes, the drab surroundings of her office cubicle seemed to evaporate into thin air. The noise of her co-workers going about their daily business became a mere hum in the background. She breathed in deep, letting the smell of flowers permeate the room and the colors of her new surroundings become vivid.
Music was playing on the radio. The melody drifted aimlessly about in the air, melting in perfect harmony with the mood. Candles gave light to the setting, their twinkling flames dancing in rhythm with the music.
The table was set for two. A place for her and one for him. Him-, the man that enchanted her dreams and haunted her nightmares. Him-her greatest love, and greatest loss. Him-the elusive stranger that she had known for a lifetime, yet felt a connection with during the last few years of her life. She sighed a painful sigh of longing remembrance and whispered his name. Ross.
She let her subconscious drift back into her dream. His shy eyes met hers, and for a moment, their souls were no longer two, but one; binded together by the strongest force to ever cross the earth-Love.
Love radiated off her skin in the form of a luminous glow; expressed in her face, skin, hair, and eyes. In Rachel's laughter, the melody of love blended in with the sweet release of harmonies like sincerity and trust.
Trust was the foundation of their relationship, as it was for many before them and many to come. As their relationship was still in its infant phases, the foundation wasn't quite as strong as it could be, and would be, had it been given the time.
It only took one chisel at the rock for the whole foundation to come tumbling down in a vicious avalanche of hurt, lies, and words unspoken.
Then came the storm. The fires of rage built a barrier of burnt ashes between her and Ross. Occasionally, the ashes would scatter, helped along by a sweet summer wind that blew beside them. Hope of an end to the bitter storm would wave in the distance. Yet, then another storm would loom, this one even stronger than before. Finally, the ashes were swept away, and an end was in sight. Their relationship had ended, but they were able to settle with being close friends; both secretly hoping that it would once again develop into more. Sadly, larger obstacles were thrown in their path, and it never did.
Rachel opened her eyes again, and her office came bursting back to life. She averted her eyes to the bland calendar hanging above her head.
She gasped when she saw the date. March 6th-the anniversary of both the birth and death of her very soul. On March 6th, 1996, her romance with Ross had begun. The following year was the best one of her life. Her heart was overjoyed, and her love for him grew each day. She never knew that love could be that strong of a force...she never knew how much feeling her heart could possess for just one person. Rachel never even stopped for a split second to consider what her life would be like without his presence; an event she would come to terms with just one year later.
Then, she had presumed that life without him by her side would be like a living Hell. A bitter laugh escaped her throat, and she muttered, "I was right."
Wistfully, she gazed at the calendar. It had been two years since they had broken up, and now Ross was happily married and living in London with his wife of four months, Emily Waltham.
Rachel felt her grip tighten around her coffee cup as Emily's face entered her mind. And to think that she had kindled the fire beneath their relationship, just so she herself could get out of a previous commitment.
Most who knew them well would assume that Rachel felt more anger towards Chloe, the actual cause of the demise. Yet, it was Emily who made her heart bubble over with fury. For this reason, she didn't attend their wedding.
Ross had moved to London to be with her. During the summers, he and Emily were to come stay in New York with Monica so Ross could visit Ben. In three months, they would make their first trip. That day would mark the first time Rachel would see Ross in a year.
Rachel sighed and remembered once again how her life had once been more than a bottomless pit that she had helped dig. She turned back to work, trying to forget how good she had once had it.
However, there was one thought that haunted her. It sat in the back of her mind on a little dusty shelf with other issues that she didn't want to resurface as of yet. Ironically, they all dealt with Ross. Looking back, she realized something. Ross had moved on, gotten married, and was living a life of dreams. And here she sat, the lone and quiet girl with a broken heart and a tainted soul. A single tear rolled down her cheek, but she brushed it away as soon as it came.
Love left scars, this she knew. Scars would heal if they had the right treatment. With a look of pain crossing her flawless face, Rachel thought about her actions and their consequences during the past two years. As she looked back on what she had done during the time period when she was most depressed, she wondered if there was medicine for a broken heart.
Her scars would never leave. They were visible, and haunted her by making her grieve over memories from happier times. For try as she might, Rachel couldn't find the strength inside her heart to give him up. Try as she might, she couldn't reach within the depths of her soul and release their memories together.
She spent the most painful two years of her life unsuccessfully attempting to accomplish the impossible. She couldn't let him go...
'I thought it was over, baby
We said our goodbyes
But I can't go a day without your face
Goin' through my mind
In fact, not a single minute
Passes without you in it
Your voice, your touch, memories of your love
Are with me all of the time
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go'
~*~*~*~*~
"Let go, Ross!" Came the scream from his new wife, Emily.
Together, they were unsuccessfully trying to put together an entertainment center in the living room of their new London flat.
"What?" He grunted.
"You've got to let go...of this," Emily managed to stammer out under the weight of the heavy piece of wood.
"Ok, ok." The entertainment cabinet fell back and made a dent in the freshly painted wall.
Emily shook her head and ruffled the top of Ross's hair. "You know, if I wasn't so in love with you, this would be a big problem."
Ross grinned back at her, hardly believing that his life turned out so wonderful. "Yeah, I'm a pretty lucky guy."
"So Ross, what are we going to do about this?"
Ross was perplexed. "What? This? I think you lost me."
Emily moved the entertainment center over to the left and showed him the gaping hole. "This hole that is sitting right in the middle of our living room."
Ross moved in towards her. "Well, I think that we could start by leaving it for tomorrow and heading for the bedroom right now..."
Emily groaned. "I know, but Ross, we can't just leave it sitting here. We have a hole in the middle of our home! Doesn't that bother you?"
Between placing kisses along the sides of her neck and face, Ross grunted. "You are worse than Monica."
"Oh my God! Monica!"
"Actually, I'm Ross."
"No, she called me like three hours ago, and I put her on hold. I told her I'd call her back, but I forgot." Emily stood up and shook her head. "I swear, I'm forgetting everything these days!"
Ross sat alone on the floor. "Well, I guess my plans were just ruined." He got up and stood by the window as he heard Emily in the other room, looking for the phone.
As a cool breeze fluttered through the curtains, Ross couldn't help but feel a pang of homesickness shoot through his heart. Sure, he loved Emily. He loved her enough that he moved across the world just to be with her. When she said London was her home and she would never leave, Ross knew ultimately he'd have to choose between her and his friends. When it came down to it, he was a sucker for love. He had always been the romantic type, and moving to another country all for love had seemed so...wonderful. Well, at the time it had.
Now, Ross couldn't wait for the summer. He missed his friends; Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler. Monica called nearly twice a week, just to check up on her brother. The only one he hadn't heard from had been Rachel. In fact, he hadn't heard from her in over a year.
'Wait a minute,' Ross thought. 'It's been exactly a year.' He leaned against the window frame and shook his head. It had been a year since he had last talked to her, two years since they had broken up, and three years since they had gotten together. 'So many significant events around the same time...I wonder what she's doing right now.'
~*~*~*~*~
Finally. It was finally the end of the week, and Rachel was able to relax. In between her thoughts drifting, she had experienced a tiring day at work. Being able to step into her apartment she shared with Monica let her release a much needed sigh, and get ready for the weekend.
Rachel tossed her purse on the table and opened the refrigerator, in search of anything containing alcohol. Right now, she needed to grieve over what she had lost. And that bottle seemed to stare her in the face. With a twist of the cap, she freed the beer from its confinements, and let the harsh, burning liquid soothe her memories. Just as she sat down, the phone rang.
"Argh! Can't I sit for just one minute in peace?"
She got up and tripped over a couch cushion on the floor. "God, can't anything go right today?" The phone was nearing its final ring when she picked it up and began her breathless routine speech. "Hello?"
On the other line came a crackling noise, like the caller was reaching her from far away. Rachel wondered who it was, hoping it wasn't some sales call. Just then, a British accent drifted into her ear. It was a voice Rachel would recognize anywhere. Her jaw dropped and she groaned, wondering why today of all days she had to answer this call.
Emily's voice asked the same question. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
Rachel groaned again, and decided that she would just say hello and that she was in a hurry. "Hello, this is Rachel. Who is this?"
On the other line, Emily smiled. She hadn't heard from Rachel in forever. The two of them had never been close, and Emily had always suspected Ross was why. What she didn't know was that Rachel had a strong hatred for her; a hatred that would only grow with time and conversations. Conversations much like the one they were about to have.
"Hello, Rachel! It's Emily."
Rachel feigned a happy tone. "Emily! How are you?"
"I'm fine. We just moved to a new place. It's simply wonderful. Although Ross's clumsiness has dented our walls."
Rachel sighed as she fondly remembered how awkwardly Ross moved. Then, she felt angry. No one could call Ross clumsy but her. He was her Ross.
On the other line, Emily sensed her anger. "Rachel, are you okay?"
Upon hearing Emily utter the name of the person on his mind, Ross bolted over to the phone. In a tone that was too excited for Emily, Ross began talking. "Is that Rachel on the phone?"
Emily covered up the receiver. "Yes. Now, shhh. I think something is wrong."
His face turned from excited to very concerned. "Well, let me talk to her!"
Emily mouthed 'One second' to him, and continued her conversation with Rachel. "Rachel, are you still there?"
Rachel snapped out of her possessive mode and responded to the woman who had stolen her dreams. "Yeah, I'm still here. Were you calling to talk to Monica? Because she's not here yet. She should be home in like ten minutes, though. I'll tell her to call you ba-"
Ross butt into Emily's conversation. "Ems, are you sure that's Rachel? I mean, MY Rachel?"
Emily covered the phone once again. "YOUR Rachel?"
Ross realized his mistake. "Well, I mean, MY friend Rachel. You two aren't exactly close."
He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe him. "Yes, Rachel Green is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?"
Ross nodded eagerly, and a disgusted Emily threw the phone at his chest. Ross hesitated, but held up the phone to his ear. The minute he heard her voice, it felt like a knife stabbed him in the chest. He was hearing the voice from his past. The voice of the girl he had left behind. He cleared his throat. "Um, Rach?"
Rachel froze in the midst of her conversation as she heard the voice that still haunted her. In a small, shaky voice, she responded. "Ross? Is that you?"
He sunk into the leather chair that was right by him. Hearing her say his name left him breathless. He knew he shouldn't be feeling like this. After all, they had said their goodbyes a long time ago. Yet hearing her brought back a rush of memories; some blissfully happy, and others heart wrenching. "Yeah. It's me."
Rachel let herself fall backwards onto Monica's immaculate couch. "So...how is married life?"
This was not the question he had been expecting. He had been anticipating a question on his work, how he'd been, London, or anything. But, no. What he had gotten was a question that involved both he and Emily. 'Well, yeah Ross! You're married now! There are no longer any questions that can involve just you. Now it's all about you and Emily.' He turned his head to where Emily was resting with one hand over her forehead on the couch. 'Now it's all about you and Emily.'
"Ross, are you still there?"
"Yeah. Married life is great. I couldn't ask for more." He saw Emily smile over in the corner. When anyone he was with smiled, he couldn't help but want them to smile more. "Yeah, I couldn't ask for a better life right now." Emily's smile turned into a grin, yet Rachel had a hurt expression on her face.
"Well, listen, Ross. It was great talking to you. I really have to go, though. I'll tell Monica to call Emily back as soon as she gets home."
Ross immediately turned his attention back to Rachel. "N-no, Rach. Do you really have to go now? I haven't talked to you in a year! How have you been? How's life?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Wonderful. And you know what? I couldn't ask for more, either."
Ross was taken aback by her sudden burst of sarcasm, but decided not to address it. "Well, okay. I'm glad things are going well for you."
"Yeah, it couldn't be better."
"Well, alright. It was nice to talk to you..."
Her tone turned business-like. "And you. Take care, Ross."
"Okay. Bye."
But she had already hung up. Rachel flopped back onto the couch again, feeling guilty for hanging up the phone on him. If he only knew why she had hung up so abruptly, maybe he wouldn't have felt so bad that night. He wouldn't know it, but the reason she had hung up was that she couldn't bear to hear him say goodbye. Not again. Not ever. Even though he was married, she had not given up. Not until today. Today was a rude awakening for her.
Before today, Married-Ross was just a figment of her imagination. She had never associated with him, and therefore, he was not real to her. Yet today, she had spoken to him. And the harsh realizations were presented to her. Ross was married and happily so. Rachel took a swig out of her beer bottle and vowed to herself that soon, she would let him go...
'I talked to you the other day
Looks like you make your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road
Let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know, yeah
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart'
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go'
At that precise moment, Monica entered the apartment. "Hey Rach. I've had the most awful day! I can't take this job anymore! I'm thinking about quitting." Monica went over to the refrigerator and took out a water bottle. "Oh, and Emily called me today on my cell phone. Would you believe that she and Ross are coming in two weeks? She planned it as a surprise for him. She just wanted to make sure it was alright with me before they came in. I told them it would be great. We all miss Ross a lot." She didn't once glance over at the couch where Rachel was sitting. "So, how was your day?"
When her response was met with silence, she walked over to the couch. Once she saw Rachel, she knew the answer. "Oh my God, Rach. What did you do?"
Among the couch cushions were the contents of Rachel's memory box she had of Ross. Her head was resting on the 'Frankie Says Relax' tee-shirt, which was now stained with tears. Three bottles of beer were scattered across the coffee table. Monica brushed them aside and sat down by Rachel. "Rach, what happened, sweetie?"
Rachel looked up at Monica with her tear-stained face. Her blond hair was a mess, and her eyes were watering over with tears. "What did you say?"
"I asked you what happened."
"No, before that."
"I said that Ross and Emily were coming to visit in two we-" Monica immediately stopped speaking once she realized what she was saying in this situation. Rachel was obviously upset about something dealing with Ross. Why else would she have all of his things surrounding her?
Rachel let out a suppressed sob. "Two weeks? Are you kidding me? Mon, I can't do this!"
Monica soothingly rubbed Rachel's back. "But sweetie, I thought you were over Ross."
Rachel looked up with a hopeless look in her eyes. "As of right now, I'll never be able to get over him."
Monica felt helpless. "Well, sweetie, is there any way I can help?"
Rachel shook her head. "No. This is something I have to do by myself. He's moved on. No matter how hard I try, I can't do it! There must be something wrong with me."
"Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you. You were in love with him. But you guys broke up. And you have to remember, it was your decision."
Rachel let out a groan. "God, why'd you have to remind me?!"
"Well, it's the truth. Just sit with it tonight, ok? Put on some sad music, throw away his stuff, and have a good cry. That's what I do when I'm getting over a guy. Or, you could come to the movies with me and Phoebe."
"No, thanks. I think I'll just stay here. Can you get me another drink?"
"Do you really think another one is good for you? How many have you had now?"
"Not enough."
*~*~*~*~*
Ross listened to Emily's steady breathing. Once he was sure she was asleep, he eased himself out of bed and went into the living room. On the shelf was a picture of the whole gang. Himself, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel. They were all smiling on Central Perk's orange couch. He wished that if he could go back in time and warn them about the future, he would. Especially Rachel. The day he cheated on her was the worst day of his life. He would do anything to change it. But time and mistakes are permanent, and life goes on. He gently placed the picture of his friends back down, bidding them goodnight. On his way back to the bedroom, he stole a glance out the window. London greeted him.
They say all large cities are the same, but Ross knew better. London wasn't the same as New York. He felt like an outsider in someone else's home. He wanted to go back to New York. He missed his son, his friends, and Rachel. No woman should be worth this.
But somehow, he had convinced himself that Emily was. She was an escape from Rachel, and escape he did. Now that he was thousands of miles away, he could finally realize something: London wasn't his home. He loved Emily, but desperately needed to talk to her. Ross wanted to move back home.
One thought tugged at the back of his mind. It was a thought that scared him more than anything. And he didn't want to resurface it. Not yet, possibly not ever. But that thought continued to haunt him in his dreams. And he didn't ever intend to share it, for if the secret was discovered, his life would spin out of control. Ross definitely didn't want that. Yet still, he couldn't get it off his mind: The one thing that was wrong with Emily was the one common fault all of his other girlfriends had shared. She's not Rachel...
'The lights of this strange city are shinin'
But they don't hold no fascination for me
I try to find the bright side, baby
But everywhere I look
Everywhere I turn
You're all I see
Let me, let me let go, baby, won't you
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road'
~*~*~*~*~*
That night, New York was in the middle of a storm, and so was Rachel's heart. Her feelings were all over the place, and she didn't know what to do. She was intoxicated, but still had a bit of sense left in her.
Inside her apartment, Rachel was alone, and the outside balcony seemed to beckon to her. Stepping out the window, she let the rain pound down on her. It felt good, sort of like a release for the pain.
Lightning flashed across the sky, and the lightning flashed inside her heart. Memories of Ross were stronger now than ever, and all she needed to do was rid herself of them.
Inside her hand, she clutched a picture of him and her together. Their faces were glowing, their eyes shining bright, quite the opposite of the constant deadpan expression she carried with her. With the fury of the storm, she ripped the two of them apart so that they were no longer together. "That's the way it has to be now."
She was finally doing it; she was finally letting go. Dropping to her knees, she began to sob. Part of her felt like she was being overly dramatic, but the other half knew the truth. Running her fingers through her hair, she let herself go; body, mind, and soul. This was needed. She had always said she needed a sense of closure. Well, that phone call earlier was what she needed.
When she shouted into the wind's fury, her voice was carried away like the tide. Once it was said, it was never heard again. "I could not ask for more...I'm so happy...Well, Ross, I got news for you. So am I!" Rachel let the two broken halves of the picture flutter to opposite sides of the city. As the wind and rain picked up, they moved farther and farther away.
Stepping back inside for a brief moment, she was able to regain her composure. The edge of the balcony was calling to her. Grabbing a few choice items in her hand, she stepped outside and let the wind tear away at her. Rachel stepped towards the edge. She knew what needed to be done.
One second was all it took to break them up. One second to break her heart. One second to ruin her life forever. She screamed out into the wind one last time before breaking up into sobs. She wanted to hear her voice one last time before the wind carried away into the night. "I'm letting go, Ross! I'm letting go!"
No matter how long she said it, or how hard she tried to believe it, it would never work. No matter how hard she tried, Rachel couldn't let Ross go...
'Oh, let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Yeah, you're still in my soul, let me let go
Let me let go, let me let go '
To Be Continued...
Ok, so let me know how you liked it. It won't be this sad the whole time. I promise things will get better. It was really hard for me to write Emily nice in this chapter, cause I hate her more than anyone. Just wait till you see what happens to her, lol! ;) Anyways, please review, it'll make my sick day! And I'll update this and Love at First Sight as soon as possible. Thanks!
Mel
1.) It's set in season four.
2.) Ross and Emily are married and live in London.
3.) Rachel never attended their wedding, and therefore Ross never said her name.
4.) Monica and Chandler never happened...but I DO have plans for them! :)
5.) Monica and Rachel still live together.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Friends characters, but if you want to make a sick girls day, then you can buy me them. ;) I also don't own Faith Hill's song, Let me Let go. I don't want that as much, but hey, I'm not saying no to it!
Rachel could almost remember the last time she had felt happy. When she closed her eyes, the drab surroundings of her office cubicle seemed to evaporate into thin air. The noise of her co-workers going about their daily business became a mere hum in the background. She breathed in deep, letting the smell of flowers permeate the room and the colors of her new surroundings become vivid.
Music was playing on the radio. The melody drifted aimlessly about in the air, melting in perfect harmony with the mood. Candles gave light to the setting, their twinkling flames dancing in rhythm with the music.
The table was set for two. A place for her and one for him. Him-, the man that enchanted her dreams and haunted her nightmares. Him-her greatest love, and greatest loss. Him-the elusive stranger that she had known for a lifetime, yet felt a connection with during the last few years of her life. She sighed a painful sigh of longing remembrance and whispered his name. Ross.
She let her subconscious drift back into her dream. His shy eyes met hers, and for a moment, their souls were no longer two, but one; binded together by the strongest force to ever cross the earth-Love.
Love radiated off her skin in the form of a luminous glow; expressed in her face, skin, hair, and eyes. In Rachel's laughter, the melody of love blended in with the sweet release of harmonies like sincerity and trust.
Trust was the foundation of their relationship, as it was for many before them and many to come. As their relationship was still in its infant phases, the foundation wasn't quite as strong as it could be, and would be, had it been given the time.
It only took one chisel at the rock for the whole foundation to come tumbling down in a vicious avalanche of hurt, lies, and words unspoken.
Then came the storm. The fires of rage built a barrier of burnt ashes between her and Ross. Occasionally, the ashes would scatter, helped along by a sweet summer wind that blew beside them. Hope of an end to the bitter storm would wave in the distance. Yet, then another storm would loom, this one even stronger than before. Finally, the ashes were swept away, and an end was in sight. Their relationship had ended, but they were able to settle with being close friends; both secretly hoping that it would once again develop into more. Sadly, larger obstacles were thrown in their path, and it never did.
Rachel opened her eyes again, and her office came bursting back to life. She averted her eyes to the bland calendar hanging above her head.
She gasped when she saw the date. March 6th-the anniversary of both the birth and death of her very soul. On March 6th, 1996, her romance with Ross had begun. The following year was the best one of her life. Her heart was overjoyed, and her love for him grew each day. She never knew that love could be that strong of a force...she never knew how much feeling her heart could possess for just one person. Rachel never even stopped for a split second to consider what her life would be like without his presence; an event she would come to terms with just one year later.
Then, she had presumed that life without him by her side would be like a living Hell. A bitter laugh escaped her throat, and she muttered, "I was right."
Wistfully, she gazed at the calendar. It had been two years since they had broken up, and now Ross was happily married and living in London with his wife of four months, Emily Waltham.
Rachel felt her grip tighten around her coffee cup as Emily's face entered her mind. And to think that she had kindled the fire beneath their relationship, just so she herself could get out of a previous commitment.
Most who knew them well would assume that Rachel felt more anger towards Chloe, the actual cause of the demise. Yet, it was Emily who made her heart bubble over with fury. For this reason, she didn't attend their wedding.
Ross had moved to London to be with her. During the summers, he and Emily were to come stay in New York with Monica so Ross could visit Ben. In three months, they would make their first trip. That day would mark the first time Rachel would see Ross in a year.
Rachel sighed and remembered once again how her life had once been more than a bottomless pit that she had helped dig. She turned back to work, trying to forget how good she had once had it.
However, there was one thought that haunted her. It sat in the back of her mind on a little dusty shelf with other issues that she didn't want to resurface as of yet. Ironically, they all dealt with Ross. Looking back, she realized something. Ross had moved on, gotten married, and was living a life of dreams. And here she sat, the lone and quiet girl with a broken heart and a tainted soul. A single tear rolled down her cheek, but she brushed it away as soon as it came.
Love left scars, this she knew. Scars would heal if they had the right treatment. With a look of pain crossing her flawless face, Rachel thought about her actions and their consequences during the past two years. As she looked back on what she had done during the time period when she was most depressed, she wondered if there was medicine for a broken heart.
Her scars would never leave. They were visible, and haunted her by making her grieve over memories from happier times. For try as she might, Rachel couldn't find the strength inside her heart to give him up. Try as she might, she couldn't reach within the depths of her soul and release their memories together.
She spent the most painful two years of her life unsuccessfully attempting to accomplish the impossible. She couldn't let him go...
'I thought it was over, baby
We said our goodbyes
But I can't go a day without your face
Goin' through my mind
In fact, not a single minute
Passes without you in it
Your voice, your touch, memories of your love
Are with me all of the time
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go'
~*~*~*~*~
"Let go, Ross!" Came the scream from his new wife, Emily.
Together, they were unsuccessfully trying to put together an entertainment center in the living room of their new London flat.
"What?" He grunted.
"You've got to let go...of this," Emily managed to stammer out under the weight of the heavy piece of wood.
"Ok, ok." The entertainment cabinet fell back and made a dent in the freshly painted wall.
Emily shook her head and ruffled the top of Ross's hair. "You know, if I wasn't so in love with you, this would be a big problem."
Ross grinned back at her, hardly believing that his life turned out so wonderful. "Yeah, I'm a pretty lucky guy."
"So Ross, what are we going to do about this?"
Ross was perplexed. "What? This? I think you lost me."
Emily moved the entertainment center over to the left and showed him the gaping hole. "This hole that is sitting right in the middle of our living room."
Ross moved in towards her. "Well, I think that we could start by leaving it for tomorrow and heading for the bedroom right now..."
Emily groaned. "I know, but Ross, we can't just leave it sitting here. We have a hole in the middle of our home! Doesn't that bother you?"
Between placing kisses along the sides of her neck and face, Ross grunted. "You are worse than Monica."
"Oh my God! Monica!"
"Actually, I'm Ross."
"No, she called me like three hours ago, and I put her on hold. I told her I'd call her back, but I forgot." Emily stood up and shook her head. "I swear, I'm forgetting everything these days!"
Ross sat alone on the floor. "Well, I guess my plans were just ruined." He got up and stood by the window as he heard Emily in the other room, looking for the phone.
As a cool breeze fluttered through the curtains, Ross couldn't help but feel a pang of homesickness shoot through his heart. Sure, he loved Emily. He loved her enough that he moved across the world just to be with her. When she said London was her home and she would never leave, Ross knew ultimately he'd have to choose between her and his friends. When it came down to it, he was a sucker for love. He had always been the romantic type, and moving to another country all for love had seemed so...wonderful. Well, at the time it had.
Now, Ross couldn't wait for the summer. He missed his friends; Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler. Monica called nearly twice a week, just to check up on her brother. The only one he hadn't heard from had been Rachel. In fact, he hadn't heard from her in over a year.
'Wait a minute,' Ross thought. 'It's been exactly a year.' He leaned against the window frame and shook his head. It had been a year since he had last talked to her, two years since they had broken up, and three years since they had gotten together. 'So many significant events around the same time...I wonder what she's doing right now.'
~*~*~*~*~
Finally. It was finally the end of the week, and Rachel was able to relax. In between her thoughts drifting, she had experienced a tiring day at work. Being able to step into her apartment she shared with Monica let her release a much needed sigh, and get ready for the weekend.
Rachel tossed her purse on the table and opened the refrigerator, in search of anything containing alcohol. Right now, she needed to grieve over what she had lost. And that bottle seemed to stare her in the face. With a twist of the cap, she freed the beer from its confinements, and let the harsh, burning liquid soothe her memories. Just as she sat down, the phone rang.
"Argh! Can't I sit for just one minute in peace?"
She got up and tripped over a couch cushion on the floor. "God, can't anything go right today?" The phone was nearing its final ring when she picked it up and began her breathless routine speech. "Hello?"
On the other line came a crackling noise, like the caller was reaching her from far away. Rachel wondered who it was, hoping it wasn't some sales call. Just then, a British accent drifted into her ear. It was a voice Rachel would recognize anywhere. Her jaw dropped and she groaned, wondering why today of all days she had to answer this call.
Emily's voice asked the same question. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
Rachel groaned again, and decided that she would just say hello and that she was in a hurry. "Hello, this is Rachel. Who is this?"
On the other line, Emily smiled. She hadn't heard from Rachel in forever. The two of them had never been close, and Emily had always suspected Ross was why. What she didn't know was that Rachel had a strong hatred for her; a hatred that would only grow with time and conversations. Conversations much like the one they were about to have.
"Hello, Rachel! It's Emily."
Rachel feigned a happy tone. "Emily! How are you?"
"I'm fine. We just moved to a new place. It's simply wonderful. Although Ross's clumsiness has dented our walls."
Rachel sighed as she fondly remembered how awkwardly Ross moved. Then, she felt angry. No one could call Ross clumsy but her. He was her Ross.
On the other line, Emily sensed her anger. "Rachel, are you okay?"
Upon hearing Emily utter the name of the person on his mind, Ross bolted over to the phone. In a tone that was too excited for Emily, Ross began talking. "Is that Rachel on the phone?"
Emily covered up the receiver. "Yes. Now, shhh. I think something is wrong."
His face turned from excited to very concerned. "Well, let me talk to her!"
Emily mouthed 'One second' to him, and continued her conversation with Rachel. "Rachel, are you still there?"
Rachel snapped out of her possessive mode and responded to the woman who had stolen her dreams. "Yeah, I'm still here. Were you calling to talk to Monica? Because she's not here yet. She should be home in like ten minutes, though. I'll tell her to call you ba-"
Ross butt into Emily's conversation. "Ems, are you sure that's Rachel? I mean, MY Rachel?"
Emily covered the phone once again. "YOUR Rachel?"
Ross realized his mistake. "Well, I mean, MY friend Rachel. You two aren't exactly close."
He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe him. "Yes, Rachel Green is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?"
Ross nodded eagerly, and a disgusted Emily threw the phone at his chest. Ross hesitated, but held up the phone to his ear. The minute he heard her voice, it felt like a knife stabbed him in the chest. He was hearing the voice from his past. The voice of the girl he had left behind. He cleared his throat. "Um, Rach?"
Rachel froze in the midst of her conversation as she heard the voice that still haunted her. In a small, shaky voice, she responded. "Ross? Is that you?"
He sunk into the leather chair that was right by him. Hearing her say his name left him breathless. He knew he shouldn't be feeling like this. After all, they had said their goodbyes a long time ago. Yet hearing her brought back a rush of memories; some blissfully happy, and others heart wrenching. "Yeah. It's me."
Rachel let herself fall backwards onto Monica's immaculate couch. "So...how is married life?"
This was not the question he had been expecting. He had been anticipating a question on his work, how he'd been, London, or anything. But, no. What he had gotten was a question that involved both he and Emily. 'Well, yeah Ross! You're married now! There are no longer any questions that can involve just you. Now it's all about you and Emily.' He turned his head to where Emily was resting with one hand over her forehead on the couch. 'Now it's all about you and Emily.'
"Ross, are you still there?"
"Yeah. Married life is great. I couldn't ask for more." He saw Emily smile over in the corner. When anyone he was with smiled, he couldn't help but want them to smile more. "Yeah, I couldn't ask for a better life right now." Emily's smile turned into a grin, yet Rachel had a hurt expression on her face.
"Well, listen, Ross. It was great talking to you. I really have to go, though. I'll tell Monica to call Emily back as soon as she gets home."
Ross immediately turned his attention back to Rachel. "N-no, Rach. Do you really have to go now? I haven't talked to you in a year! How have you been? How's life?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Wonderful. And you know what? I couldn't ask for more, either."
Ross was taken aback by her sudden burst of sarcasm, but decided not to address it. "Well, okay. I'm glad things are going well for you."
"Yeah, it couldn't be better."
"Well, alright. It was nice to talk to you..."
Her tone turned business-like. "And you. Take care, Ross."
"Okay. Bye."
But she had already hung up. Rachel flopped back onto the couch again, feeling guilty for hanging up the phone on him. If he only knew why she had hung up so abruptly, maybe he wouldn't have felt so bad that night. He wouldn't know it, but the reason she had hung up was that she couldn't bear to hear him say goodbye. Not again. Not ever. Even though he was married, she had not given up. Not until today. Today was a rude awakening for her.
Before today, Married-Ross was just a figment of her imagination. She had never associated with him, and therefore, he was not real to her. Yet today, she had spoken to him. And the harsh realizations were presented to her. Ross was married and happily so. Rachel took a swig out of her beer bottle and vowed to herself that soon, she would let him go...
'I talked to you the other day
Looks like you make your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road
Let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know, yeah
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart'
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go'
At that precise moment, Monica entered the apartment. "Hey Rach. I've had the most awful day! I can't take this job anymore! I'm thinking about quitting." Monica went over to the refrigerator and took out a water bottle. "Oh, and Emily called me today on my cell phone. Would you believe that she and Ross are coming in two weeks? She planned it as a surprise for him. She just wanted to make sure it was alright with me before they came in. I told them it would be great. We all miss Ross a lot." She didn't once glance over at the couch where Rachel was sitting. "So, how was your day?"
When her response was met with silence, she walked over to the couch. Once she saw Rachel, she knew the answer. "Oh my God, Rach. What did you do?"
Among the couch cushions were the contents of Rachel's memory box she had of Ross. Her head was resting on the 'Frankie Says Relax' tee-shirt, which was now stained with tears. Three bottles of beer were scattered across the coffee table. Monica brushed them aside and sat down by Rachel. "Rach, what happened, sweetie?"
Rachel looked up at Monica with her tear-stained face. Her blond hair was a mess, and her eyes were watering over with tears. "What did you say?"
"I asked you what happened."
"No, before that."
"I said that Ross and Emily were coming to visit in two we-" Monica immediately stopped speaking once she realized what she was saying in this situation. Rachel was obviously upset about something dealing with Ross. Why else would she have all of his things surrounding her?
Rachel let out a suppressed sob. "Two weeks? Are you kidding me? Mon, I can't do this!"
Monica soothingly rubbed Rachel's back. "But sweetie, I thought you were over Ross."
Rachel looked up with a hopeless look in her eyes. "As of right now, I'll never be able to get over him."
Monica felt helpless. "Well, sweetie, is there any way I can help?"
Rachel shook her head. "No. This is something I have to do by myself. He's moved on. No matter how hard I try, I can't do it! There must be something wrong with me."
"Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you. You were in love with him. But you guys broke up. And you have to remember, it was your decision."
Rachel let out a groan. "God, why'd you have to remind me?!"
"Well, it's the truth. Just sit with it tonight, ok? Put on some sad music, throw away his stuff, and have a good cry. That's what I do when I'm getting over a guy. Or, you could come to the movies with me and Phoebe."
"No, thanks. I think I'll just stay here. Can you get me another drink?"
"Do you really think another one is good for you? How many have you had now?"
"Not enough."
*~*~*~*~*
Ross listened to Emily's steady breathing. Once he was sure she was asleep, he eased himself out of bed and went into the living room. On the shelf was a picture of the whole gang. Himself, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel. They were all smiling on Central Perk's orange couch. He wished that if he could go back in time and warn them about the future, he would. Especially Rachel. The day he cheated on her was the worst day of his life. He would do anything to change it. But time and mistakes are permanent, and life goes on. He gently placed the picture of his friends back down, bidding them goodnight. On his way back to the bedroom, he stole a glance out the window. London greeted him.
They say all large cities are the same, but Ross knew better. London wasn't the same as New York. He felt like an outsider in someone else's home. He wanted to go back to New York. He missed his son, his friends, and Rachel. No woman should be worth this.
But somehow, he had convinced himself that Emily was. She was an escape from Rachel, and escape he did. Now that he was thousands of miles away, he could finally realize something: London wasn't his home. He loved Emily, but desperately needed to talk to her. Ross wanted to move back home.
One thought tugged at the back of his mind. It was a thought that scared him more than anything. And he didn't want to resurface it. Not yet, possibly not ever. But that thought continued to haunt him in his dreams. And he didn't ever intend to share it, for if the secret was discovered, his life would spin out of control. Ross definitely didn't want that. Yet still, he couldn't get it off his mind: The one thing that was wrong with Emily was the one common fault all of his other girlfriends had shared. She's not Rachel...
'The lights of this strange city are shinin'
But they don't hold no fascination for me
I try to find the bright side, baby
But everywhere I look
Everywhere I turn
You're all I see
Let me, let me let go, baby, won't you
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road'
~*~*~*~*~*
That night, New York was in the middle of a storm, and so was Rachel's heart. Her feelings were all over the place, and she didn't know what to do. She was intoxicated, but still had a bit of sense left in her.
Inside her apartment, Rachel was alone, and the outside balcony seemed to beckon to her. Stepping out the window, she let the rain pound down on her. It felt good, sort of like a release for the pain.
Lightning flashed across the sky, and the lightning flashed inside her heart. Memories of Ross were stronger now than ever, and all she needed to do was rid herself of them.
Inside her hand, she clutched a picture of him and her together. Their faces were glowing, their eyes shining bright, quite the opposite of the constant deadpan expression she carried with her. With the fury of the storm, she ripped the two of them apart so that they were no longer together. "That's the way it has to be now."
She was finally doing it; she was finally letting go. Dropping to her knees, she began to sob. Part of her felt like she was being overly dramatic, but the other half knew the truth. Running her fingers through her hair, she let herself go; body, mind, and soul. This was needed. She had always said she needed a sense of closure. Well, that phone call earlier was what she needed.
When she shouted into the wind's fury, her voice was carried away like the tide. Once it was said, it was never heard again. "I could not ask for more...I'm so happy...Well, Ross, I got news for you. So am I!" Rachel let the two broken halves of the picture flutter to opposite sides of the city. As the wind and rain picked up, they moved farther and farther away.
Stepping back inside for a brief moment, she was able to regain her composure. The edge of the balcony was calling to her. Grabbing a few choice items in her hand, she stepped outside and let the wind tear away at her. Rachel stepped towards the edge. She knew what needed to be done.
One second was all it took to break them up. One second to break her heart. One second to ruin her life forever. She screamed out into the wind one last time before breaking up into sobs. She wanted to hear her voice one last time before the wind carried away into the night. "I'm letting go, Ross! I'm letting go!"
No matter how long she said it, or how hard she tried to believe it, it would never work. No matter how hard she tried, Rachel couldn't let Ross go...
'Oh, let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Yeah, you're still in my soul, let me let go
Let me let go, let me let go '
To Be Continued...
Ok, so let me know how you liked it. It won't be this sad the whole time. I promise things will get better. It was really hard for me to write Emily nice in this chapter, cause I hate her more than anyone. Just wait till you see what happens to her, lol! ;) Anyways, please review, it'll make my sick day! And I'll update this and Love at First Sight as soon as possible. Thanks!
Mel
