Chapter One, A Word From Fujioka

ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy life wasn't supposed to be this stupid, just so you know me about it. It's hard to figure out how to explain to people that Tamaki and the others don't really stop speaking as many languages as they can, so long as ladies are involved, and you do it with the same set of words everybody else has access to on the internet; all of them, dumbasses.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇLook, it's hard enough to get anyone to believe that I never wanted to become a lawyer, but there was no way I was going to explain to a bunch of commoners why I, the great Haruhi Fujioka, would lower myself to play house with them, at the host club.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI'm not sure why any of you never thought it would be fun for me, the great Haruhi Fujioka, to mock everything about your delicate sensibilities, and figure out how to tell you a story you never really knew about, because it's not like you watch good anime, or anything; that would be weird.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇSo the last time I got to know my friends, I never really had to tell anybody that I was dying to know what the host club would do with somebody like me, when I confused the hell out of them, by playing a boy, then a girl, then a boy, then a boy again, then a girl, and nobody ever had to know why it was so alarming to somebody like Hikaru Hitachiin, until you got to know him, because he always assumed that you had to be some kind of hermaphroditic weirdo to be able to hang out as either gender role whosa whatsits.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's not a bad idea to let me know what you're interested in, you know. There's all sorts of things I never even heard of until I came here to Ouran High School, so don't worry so much about what you're telling me, even if I look a little perplexed, okay?
ˆˇˆˇˆˇThe idea that you wouldn't know a host if it bit you in the ass, Hikaru Hitachiin, or should I say, Kaoru's evil twin brother, and I don't know why you guys haven't watched enough Vampire Diaries to know what a doppleganger is, and that the lore has always been that there's a double of some people out there, set to ruin their life and take away their power.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDo you have any idea how insane it is that you never noticed how evil that kid has always been? Do you have any idea how easy it is to tell those two apart, any time they ask? I just have to look at them, and one is telling me, 'You can't do this. No one's ever been able to do this. It's impossible, just give up!' and the other one's screaming, 'Come on, Haruhi! I know you know what I look like! Check it out! See? It's me, Hikaru!'
ˆˇˆˇˆˇAnd of course that means it's Kaoru, who's been an indestructible destroyer of evil and lover of boys and ladies alike, and yes I can attest to that, ever since Tamaki-senpai brought him into the Host Club, all those ages and ages ago.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI really don't think you understand just what the hell Tamaki Suou was even talking about when he kept saying we were a bunch of boys and girls with way too much time on our hands. You go to class at Ouran, when you're bored with whatever else you're doing.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMost days, you just screw around and start a project with just about anybody you want to talk to, and I managed to get into the most social, badass club I could possibly have hoped to be a part of, and yes, we had way more hosts than you've ever seemed to know about, till now, anyway.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDon't worry so much about Kaoru, because he's in good hands, and surrounded by friends, and if anybody besides me could tell the difference, because a boy called Hikaru came to her house to make love to her the night before, it's because Kaoru loves screwing with Hikaru, when every girl who's had him realizes there's only one lover amongst the two, and never has trouble telling them apart, but never says.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's more than a little alarming that nobody knows how many times Hikaru actually got kicked out of the Host Club. Seriously? Tamaki and Kaoru weren't about to take some of the evil malware he tried implanting in girls' heads, trying to make them think girls were somehow less than boys in every way, by acting like they just couldn't hold his attentions like they really cared, after all. It's not like he could really blame you, maybe girls and boys just aren't meant to be together like they say, after all…. ..
ˆˇˆˇˆˇSee how creepy that was, even just coming from me? Hikaru's a twisted little bastard, but it's hard not to laugh and have fun with him when everybody involved knows what a cretin he can be, and we can't stop screwing with his head.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDon't ever doubt what I'm talking about, unless you want some nasty little bastard to be able to call himself your friend and fill you with all sorts of bogus malware thinking patterns that make you belittle yourself at every turn and doubt the way people you cared about really feel about you.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's ugly that anybody ever thought that my dad wasn't a total pervert and weirdo, in the worst sort of ways. He would run on and on about how much he admired and loved and wanted to emulate powerful women, but no one would look at a woman doing the ridiculous, mocking, controlling bullshit my dad always seemed to be doing, and think she was anything other than a crazy bitch and a menace to society and women alike.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIf you ever actually thought he was anything like my Tamaki-senpai, you're out of your freaking mind, and you need to read up on mockingbirds. They kill the offspring of other birds, and their hatchlings grow up to look like cruel mockery of whatever that parent bird was, and they cry out like total assholes, and nobody seems to figure out why that one bird is so ugly and obnoxious, well, there you go, why is it everybody hates Hikaru and loves Kaoru? Is one a beautiful songbird, and the other a reject, child murdering mockingbird who strings together song syllables in way he thinks will give him attention? Same deal, with my dad versus Tama-chan.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇOkay seriously though, if none of you knew I was in love with Honey-senpai from the moment we met then you're all completely retarded. He never wanted to do anything but act exactly the way he wanted to, kid or grownup, badass or sweetheard, because he's all those things, and he knows it, so nothing he says, does he have to worry about sounding childish, or different, or, you know, not his place, or kind, right?
ˆˇˆˇˆˇNobody seems to know why Tama-chan doesn't seem to know the difference between boys and girls, any longer, but he never really did in the first place, and right when he was thinking he might have a handle on it, I went and shattered his reality for me.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇGuess how many times Tamaki put his hand down my pants when we were making out, just to check for sure about me? Like, never, basically. Who told you I was making out with Tamaki Suou? Whaaaat? You're out of your mind, lady. That's crazy. You're crazy.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇThe fact that you're still here means you either already know something about Ouron High School Host Club, or you'd like to, and to put it in some finer words, it's where young, wealthy boys with far too much time on their hands entertain darling, impressionable young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's a story about romance in so many different directions, you can scarcely figure out how to tell people that nobody ever had to explain the difference between boys and girls for you not to have to worry about what sex someone was, but whether or not you found them sexy, at all.
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI like the way I am, right now, and I don't plan on changing. That's the stupidest thing you'll ever hear me pretending to say, by the way. I learned all sorts of things at Ouran, and I don't see how I could ever stop changing, but that's just what I always did, anyway… ..
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIf you want to have some adventures with us again, and come figure out how many more stories we could tell you about, about all those crazy parties we were throwing, all over the freaking planet, for god's sakes!, in freaking castles and nuclear power plants and batcaves or whatever else you can freaking think of to do with whatever amount of money you want Kyouya to grub up for us, then come hang out with here, at Ouran High School Host Club!
ˆˇˆˇˆˇOr don't, ya freaking animals, see if I care?