SOMEWHERE I BELONG ( PG-13 )
Author: Eclyptyk Neo
Summary: Neo has been in the real world for nearly two weeks. He reflects on the life he once had, the lies and the truth crushes him greatly. The rain pours down heavily on his mind and for the first time, he never felt so alone or scared.Disclaimers: Any recognizable names and concepts (ie. characters and the Matrix, itself) do not belong to me, but to the Wachowski Brothers and Warner Bros. And of course, credit to all the other writers who have been involved and pulled into the world of the Matrix. Without the dreams, the machines may very well destroy us all before we could wake up to see the reality of true creativity and unlimited imagination. I also want to give credit to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong", for their inspirational concept to fit with this story.
A/N: Well, this isn't one of the best things I've written, but as my own worst critic, I always say that. But I'm not much on hitting a really depressing tear-jerker, but I just got to get my idea across more than I have in the past. This would be set a few weeks after Neo was freed from the Matrix. Like I said, this was written back in like February 2004. But getting it on the computer and up to the web is a whole other story. Sorry about that, but hope you like anyway. And I would consider myself a "silent speaker"–the words/thoughts on paper speak louder than the voice of the one who own's it– and I tend to get my ideas out better on paper anyways.
"What does a person do when they try to find out where they belong in a new world, and the dreams lead to painful lies of the past?" -Eclyptyk Neo
Part One: Finding My Place
"Where do I belong when I've been trying to fit into a place that's all to new to me? Do I even know who I am?" -Eclyptyk Neo
When this all began I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own.....
Neo sat up, sleepless, in his bed on the Nebachanezzar.
It's been already two weeks since he has been on the ship and it hasn't been easy at all. The musky metallic air filled his lungs with every inhaling breath. The hours of each day were cold. It only got colder at night, when the ship would indicate the time of day. Every breath felt icy on the fingertips. The water wasn't the greatest either, tasting like it was drained through rusty metal pipes. The food was much worse, running down a person's throat like what one would call glue, grits and oatmeal. There was no taste to it. The smell was undescribable, but was needed for energy. The ship itself seemed to rot away as the years grew longer apart. The interior was rusting, and each step felt like the entire ship was going to collapse under a person's weight. The outside of the ship was discolored.
Neo was getting used to it. He had to. There was no way he would go back to the Matrix. Not without knowing that his entire life was full of lies. Up to the very day he was freed: friends, family, places he visited and wanted to see were all lies. And they continued to pile up in his mind as the dreams came and went through the night.
He pulled the ragged sleeves of his sweater up to reveal arms full of holes and plugs. Those very plugs that feed the information of his life–the lies–into his mind. And now, they were in his mind like an open wound. He had woke up from all of it, but nowhere near safe in this world. His mind, the minds still trapped in the network ran by the machines, were pawns in a game for survival. Survival for the machines. Torment for humans, though they had no idea what was happening to them. But, now he did.
Neo rubbed his arms and shuddered. The very thought brought chills down his back. He never felt so confused. If this was the feeling of being confused. Lost. Unsure. Though he was 32, he would have to learn how different life in this world was. How life really was. Seeing for the first time with his eyes open. Walking and moving around without having machines feed the information into his mind.
He left the room, treading down the hall and up to the core of the ship. His heavy footsteps echoed in the quiet corridor.
He hadn't gotten much sleep since the fight against Agent Smith. He felt like he didn't do enough. Like he still had things to fix. Like he still had to fight. And he did. The machines didn't welcome anyone free from their battery to the Matrix to let them live. So, he was a threat. But he was also considered by Morpheus and those remaining on the ship to be the One. He would save them all from the torment.
He made his way into the Core. No one was around. It was quiet. Neo couldn't blame them. The ship was in much need of repairs since the sentinel attack.
Most of the crew was out of commission, too. Morpheus was still suffering the after effects of the drugs and strain in his leg. Tank was fine for the most part, except for a broken arm and several ribs. Neo had suffered internal bleeding, causing him to sleep deeply, if he could. But never did. Trinity was the only one free of any injury.
Apoc, Doser, Switch and Mouse were all pronounced dead after the deadly incident. And Cypher was in critical condition. Everyone knew how much he wanted the plan to work, but it didn't. Now, if they were ever going to question him, they'd better get him help as soon as possible. Or there may be answers none of them may never get answered.
Neo walked into the medical bay. The first thing he saw was the second in command figure attending the traitor of the team.
"I couldn't sleep." he stammered quietly as he stepped in.
Trinity emerged from the shadows, but said nothing.
"How is he?"
"Still in critical condition." she said simply, as she looked up at him. "How are you doing?"
He ran his hand over his stomach. "I'm okay."
She turned away, taking mental note of Cypher's condition on the monitors.
Neo looked away, slightly guilty. He couldn't stop thinking about her ever since the incident. He could still hear those words she said to him in his dying hour. In what he thought would be his dying hour. But was only a revelation. A power that gave him the energy to get up. To be re-born. To live again. He thought he was dead. Knew it. Felt it. His lungs collapsed on him and his vision was darkened. Yet, in another time, another life, another place, he couldn't tell what it was. He heard Trinity's voice. He could sense the danger on the ship, the sentinels tearing through the hull with no hesitation.
"..do you hear me, Neo?" Trinity had whispered to him as he sat there dead in his chair. "You can't die. You are the One. The Oracle spoke of a man, a man I would fall in love with, and that man would be the One. You are that man and I'm never letting go. I love you..." He blinked, watching the figure behind him attending to Cypher. There was un-described beauty in her eyes. The first time he met her, the world around them seemed to stop.
He rocked on the soles of his boot, uneasily. Trinity noticed it and looked up at him, catching him by surprise. Their eyes met. Neo needed to say something. He wanted to say something, but couldn't find anything to say. He couldn't. He was too mesmerized by those alert blue eyes. Trinity looked down, sighing. "I know it's hard for you, Neo. None of us asked for this kind of life, especially you. This isn't easy. It's not suppose to."
Neo nodded. "Yeah, but I can't blame you. I just gotta know something, though."
"What's that?"
"Have you ever dreamed of having a life that didn't involve fighting for your life?"
"No." she said simply.
"How about the perfect life?"
"No." she said sternly. "No one can. They can dream about it, but it could never happen."
"Why not?" he asked quietly.
She looked back up at him. Her face unchanged. Showing no real emotion or real thought to his question. "Life isn't perfect. No one can be perfect. So, why must someone dream about something that will never come true? Honestly, those possibilities, these things that seem possible, are all the work of the Matrix."
Neo stepped back. He only wanted to make conversation with her. And he really didn't know how. The life he had in the Matrix was focused on work and computer hacking. He didn't have time for a social life. Or really wanted one. He was anti-social. Didn't have that many friends. His fellow hackers he never could call friends. He lived alone. Routine was all he knew. Things in the real world were different, and he had to start somewhere. He just didn't know how or where.
He only had brief conversations with Tank, but it was better than nothing. He wanted to talk to someone else. Needed to. Morpheus still intimidated him with his strong-will and determination. He knew it would have to be Trinity. He wasn't afraid to tell her anything, but if she wasn't going to listen he would get nowhere.
That night after the sentinel attack, after the incident, she came to him after attending to Tank and Morpheus. She knew he needed comfort, someone to hold. She laid there beside him, keeping him warm and stroking his buzzed cut hair until he fell asleep. They didn't talk. Only enjoyed the others company. Laid there breathing in the other.
She left before morning, hoping the other two crew members wouldn't think anything of that night. But that was a little too late when they were present at her confession to him. It was far too obvious. Neo was lost in finding his place in this new world. She was there to pick up where he could not. Neo turned away, leaving the room. He must have thought it was a mistake to confront her about that night. After that, they never really talked or saw each other. She was avoiding him, but for what reasons, he had no answers for. He felt confused and embarassed.
Trinity wanted to stop him, but let him go. She was never good at conversing with anyone on a personal level. It was always directed as a leader. As authority. As power. She was used to giving orders. Used to the male-dominated world of the Neb. And after fighting for nine years, there was nothing to back it up. That was the only life she knew. To fight for survival. Nothing else. But after Neo came onboard, it was hard to figure out where her place was. And where she really belonged.
Every time she saw Neo, her heartbeat would increase. Her stomach churned. It was unlike anything she ever felt. She didn't want a relationship, though. Didn't see it fit in the fight for her life. Fight for the human race. She didn't know what love was. And if this was how it felt, than it was something new to her. And she didn't know how to cope with it.
Trinity left the room, finding Neo sitting in the operating chair in the Core. He watched the screens, intently, ignoring all other activity in the room. Trinity slowly walked over to him, hoping it wasn't too much of a bother to be standing right there beside him.
He hadn't come at the best time. He knew that. He didn't come from a good position. He knew that. His mind was far too depended on the system, and it was harder to let it all go. His eyes darted to his right as he saw the familiar figure of Trinity next to him. He didn't say anything.
The code fell from the main screen, but no one could really notice it. Not anymore. Neo understood it the moment he rose from the dead after Agent Smith tried to kill him. Now, where he once saw code, he could see buildings, trees, cars, etc.
"What are you doing?" Trinity asked quietly.
"Nothing." he said simply as he turned off the screen and turned the chair away. "I think I'm going to head to bed... Ya know, get an early start for tomorrow or whatever."
"You haven't really been sleeping this whole week, Neo." Trinity stated, knowing that she'd come to his room seeing him toss and turn. She would see the tears that escaped his eyes as he tried to sleep, but did nothing about it. Hoped he could cope with it on his own.
He looked at her, then directed his attention to the ground. He shrugged. He got off the chair and slowly headed off back to his room.
"Neo." Trinity said barely above a whisper.
Trinity was at a loss of words. This never happened, not to anyone, except Neo. She could feel the distance between them. She knew he wanted to know her, get close to her, but she wouldn't permit it. Didn't permit it. Only because she was scared. Scared of the change.
He heard her, but ignored it. He hoped that playing hard to get, like she was doing to him, would make her realize the mistake of holding him back. He felt like a child around her, especially when the others were around. Alone, there was something else. It wasn't bad, but pure. A power unlike anything they've ever felt. He knew it had to be love. He wondered why she pushed him back, especially after confessing the truth about her feelings for him only days ago.
"Neo." She said again more direct and serious.
Neo snapped, turning to face her. "What?!"
She looked down for a moment, then peered up at him. She saw the tension in his mysteriously, darkened brown eyes. And she couldn't think anymore. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to know the person behind those eyes. She knew he was scared and that he needed guidance only she seemed to give.
They stood there captured in the mystery and beauty of each other's eyes. They kept their distance staring like mindless zombies trying to read the other's thoughts.
Neo caught his breath, looking away. Trinity did the same.
....I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain til it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something
I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong....
To be continued.........
