YOUNG NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Young Ned Kelly. I'm going to dive down into the
water to rescue some drowning kid.
DROWNING KID: My sole purpose in this film is to show that Ned Kelly is actually a good guy and to play up the whole 'tragic hero' thing. Glub.
Fast forward inexplicably to 15 years later in the Australian bush
NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned Kelly. I spend the entire film chewing my tongue with a wombat stuck to my chin. For some reason I've spent the night outdoors with three of my guy mates. Hey, look, a white horse wearing black leather reins! How saintly and gallant!
HORSE: Talk about foreshadowing. I'm Shadowfax from LOTR. By the way. But don't tell anyone.
JOE BYRNE: Hey, I think I know that horse!
HORSE: No you don't.
JOE BYRNE: Yeah, I'm sure I do. You remember the time I wore the blonde wig, right?
NED KELLY: No. Thankfully.
NED KELLY: I know, I'll abandon my sleeping mates and ride off on this unexplained white horse to find a pretty girl!
10 minutes later
PRETTY GIRL: So...where's your friend Joe?
NED KELLY: Back in the bush somewhere. Why do you ask?
PRETTY GIRL: You aren't going to be meeting him anytime soon are you?
NED KELLY: No.
PRETTY GIRL: Oh damn. Well, pass on my phone number.
NED KELLY: Why do they always say that?
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nice horse.
NED KELLY: Thanks.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Looks just like one the postmaster lost.
PRETTY GIRL: Tell Joe to call me. (Hops down off horse and legs it)
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back!
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: I hereby arrest you for stealing the postmaster's horse, despite the fact that I have no proof whatsoever. (Pulls out gun)
HORSE: I don't like the look of this! (Gallops off into the distance)
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back! Oh, I hope this isn't meant to be symbolic.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nope. (Fires gun) That's for trying to bring symbolism into the plot too early!
NED KELLY: I'm sorry.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Really?
NED KELLY: Yeah, but I'm still going to beat you up.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Oh damn. Help me! Even though I still have my gun I'm not going to use it!
Policemen come running and drag him off. Fast-forward to three years later, when Ned Kelly is being released from prison and his brother Dan, Steve Hart and Joe Byrne are waiting for him.
NED KELLY: Don't I look gorgeous and intense with my newly cropped hair?
JOE BYRNE: Hi, I'm Joe Byrne. I spend the entire film looking mournfully beautiful and deep, and take my shirt off as often as I can. Watch me flex my muscles!
STEVE HART: Hi, I'm Steve Hart. I don't really have any lines-I'm just the fourth guy who backs up all the others. I used to be the prettiest until Joe joined the gang.
DAN KELLY: Hi, I'm Dan Kelly. My brother Ned permanently overshadows me.
NED KELLY: Why the hell haven't you brought a carriage, you silly berks?
DAN KELLY: We did, but Joe exchanged it for a new coat.
NED KELLY: Why?
JOE BYRNE: Just look at how the brown brings out the soulful darkness of my eyes!
NED KELLY: (rolls eyes) I guess we're walking, then.
STEVE HART: Eww.....look at the state of my trousers!
JOE BYRNE: Eurgh...dirt!
DAN KELLY: Hey, a carriage! (Waves obviously) Stop!
The carriage stops and Joe Byrne peers in.
JOE BYRNE: Hey, can we have a lift...hey, Lizzy.
LIZZY: (Leans out of carriage and slaps him) You can't just not call me and then demand a lift as if nothing had happened! Git! (Pulls back in and the carriage heads off at speed)
NED KELLY: Oh well done, Joe.
JOE BYRNE: What?
Another carriage appears and drives past
DAN KELLY: Hey, that's a friend of mine! Hey, stop! (Runs after the carriage, which comes to a halt as he pleads his case)
NED KELLY: Reckon we'll get a lift?
JOE BYRNE: I doubt it.
NED KELLY: Yeah, who'd share their daughter with you?
JOE BYRNE: Again.
Girl in carriage winks at Joe, who winks back
NED KELLY: What? For goodness' sake Joe, can't you just keep a lid on it for five minutes?
JOE BYRNE: If you knew me, like, at all, you would so not ask that question.
DAN KELLY: Hey, they say we can ride with them!
JOE BYRNE: Hey. Reckon I'm in there!
He winks ostentatiously at Ned before hopping on the back of the carriage. Ned follows him. Fast-forward to Ned's house where everyone is very excited to see him.
KATE KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned's sister. Check out my alliterative name!
MA KELLY: Hi. I cook, and provide the motive.
DAN KELLY: What's for tea, mum?
MA KELLY: Wombat stew.
JOE BYRNE:
DAN KELLY:
STEVE HART:
NED KELLY:
JOE BYRNE: That's really gross!
MA KELLY: Stop moaning, boy, there's nothing else! Ned, come and feed the baby! It'll add to your whole 'tragic hero' image.
NED KELLY: Yes ma.
JOE BYRNE: (to Kate) How you doin'?
NED KELLY: Joe! Keep a lid on it for five minutes, would you?
JOE BYRNE: Oh man! (Fidgets constantly, shuffling in his seat and fussing. 30 seconds later...) I can't take this any more! I'm going for a walk! (Stomps out, slamming the door behind him)
KATE KELLY: Do you think he'll be all right?
NED KELLY: Sure he will. He'll just go and find Kitty Alexander two doors down, then he'll come back right as rain.
MA KELLY: Stew's up!
NED KELLY: On second thoughts, I think I'd better go and check on him. (Dumps the baby unceremoniously on the table and heads for the door)
DAN KELLY: I'll go with you!
STEVE HART: Wait up!
They all fight to be the first out of the door
MA KELLY: Sit down, boys!
They reluctantly sit down around the table and look unenthusiastically at the bubbling stew.
STEVE HART: Why is it green?
NED KELLY: It is? Ewww...........
MA KELLY: Would you like to say grace, Ned?
NED KELLY: No!
MA KELLY: Just do it, will you? It'll help with your saintly hero image.
NED KELLY: Erm......thanks for this....err.....feast.....and I think we can all say that we hope that it tastes far better than it looks.....or smells.....or sounds......ewwww.......errrm, Amen.
Dan reaches across the table and accidentally-on-purpose knocks the stew over so that it pours onto the floor.
DAN KELLY: Oh, no, look what I did...... (sniggers)
NED KELLY: Phew.
MA KELLY: Luckily I have a backup plan.
NED KELLY: What?
MA KELLY: Fried wombat tail.
NED KELLY:
STEVE HART:
DAN KELLY:
KATE KELLY:
TO BE CONTINUED...........
DROWNING KID: My sole purpose in this film is to show that Ned Kelly is actually a good guy and to play up the whole 'tragic hero' thing. Glub.
Fast forward inexplicably to 15 years later in the Australian bush
NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned Kelly. I spend the entire film chewing my tongue with a wombat stuck to my chin. For some reason I've spent the night outdoors with three of my guy mates. Hey, look, a white horse wearing black leather reins! How saintly and gallant!
HORSE: Talk about foreshadowing. I'm Shadowfax from LOTR. By the way. But don't tell anyone.
JOE BYRNE: Hey, I think I know that horse!
HORSE: No you don't.
JOE BYRNE: Yeah, I'm sure I do. You remember the time I wore the blonde wig, right?
NED KELLY: No. Thankfully.
NED KELLY: I know, I'll abandon my sleeping mates and ride off on this unexplained white horse to find a pretty girl!
10 minutes later
PRETTY GIRL: So...where's your friend Joe?
NED KELLY: Back in the bush somewhere. Why do you ask?
PRETTY GIRL: You aren't going to be meeting him anytime soon are you?
NED KELLY: No.
PRETTY GIRL: Oh damn. Well, pass on my phone number.
NED KELLY: Why do they always say that?
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nice horse.
NED KELLY: Thanks.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Looks just like one the postmaster lost.
PRETTY GIRL: Tell Joe to call me. (Hops down off horse and legs it)
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back!
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: I hereby arrest you for stealing the postmaster's horse, despite the fact that I have no proof whatsoever. (Pulls out gun)
HORSE: I don't like the look of this! (Gallops off into the distance)
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back! Oh, I hope this isn't meant to be symbolic.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nope. (Fires gun) That's for trying to bring symbolism into the plot too early!
NED KELLY: I'm sorry.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Really?
NED KELLY: Yeah, but I'm still going to beat you up.
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Oh damn. Help me! Even though I still have my gun I'm not going to use it!
Policemen come running and drag him off. Fast-forward to three years later, when Ned Kelly is being released from prison and his brother Dan, Steve Hart and Joe Byrne are waiting for him.
NED KELLY: Don't I look gorgeous and intense with my newly cropped hair?
JOE BYRNE: Hi, I'm Joe Byrne. I spend the entire film looking mournfully beautiful and deep, and take my shirt off as often as I can. Watch me flex my muscles!
STEVE HART: Hi, I'm Steve Hart. I don't really have any lines-I'm just the fourth guy who backs up all the others. I used to be the prettiest until Joe joined the gang.
DAN KELLY: Hi, I'm Dan Kelly. My brother Ned permanently overshadows me.
NED KELLY: Why the hell haven't you brought a carriage, you silly berks?
DAN KELLY: We did, but Joe exchanged it for a new coat.
NED KELLY: Why?
JOE BYRNE: Just look at how the brown brings out the soulful darkness of my eyes!
NED KELLY: (rolls eyes) I guess we're walking, then.
STEVE HART: Eww.....look at the state of my trousers!
JOE BYRNE: Eurgh...dirt!
DAN KELLY: Hey, a carriage! (Waves obviously) Stop!
The carriage stops and Joe Byrne peers in.
JOE BYRNE: Hey, can we have a lift...hey, Lizzy.
LIZZY: (Leans out of carriage and slaps him) You can't just not call me and then demand a lift as if nothing had happened! Git! (Pulls back in and the carriage heads off at speed)
NED KELLY: Oh well done, Joe.
JOE BYRNE: What?
Another carriage appears and drives past
DAN KELLY: Hey, that's a friend of mine! Hey, stop! (Runs after the carriage, which comes to a halt as he pleads his case)
NED KELLY: Reckon we'll get a lift?
JOE BYRNE: I doubt it.
NED KELLY: Yeah, who'd share their daughter with you?
JOE BYRNE: Again.
Girl in carriage winks at Joe, who winks back
NED KELLY: What? For goodness' sake Joe, can't you just keep a lid on it for five minutes?
JOE BYRNE: If you knew me, like, at all, you would so not ask that question.
DAN KELLY: Hey, they say we can ride with them!
JOE BYRNE: Hey. Reckon I'm in there!
He winks ostentatiously at Ned before hopping on the back of the carriage. Ned follows him. Fast-forward to Ned's house where everyone is very excited to see him.
KATE KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned's sister. Check out my alliterative name!
MA KELLY: Hi. I cook, and provide the motive.
DAN KELLY: What's for tea, mum?
MA KELLY: Wombat stew.
JOE BYRNE:
DAN KELLY:
STEVE HART:
NED KELLY:
JOE BYRNE: That's really gross!
MA KELLY: Stop moaning, boy, there's nothing else! Ned, come and feed the baby! It'll add to your whole 'tragic hero' image.
NED KELLY: Yes ma.
JOE BYRNE: (to Kate) How you doin'?
NED KELLY: Joe! Keep a lid on it for five minutes, would you?
JOE BYRNE: Oh man! (Fidgets constantly, shuffling in his seat and fussing. 30 seconds later...) I can't take this any more! I'm going for a walk! (Stomps out, slamming the door behind him)
KATE KELLY: Do you think he'll be all right?
NED KELLY: Sure he will. He'll just go and find Kitty Alexander two doors down, then he'll come back right as rain.
MA KELLY: Stew's up!
NED KELLY: On second thoughts, I think I'd better go and check on him. (Dumps the baby unceremoniously on the table and heads for the door)
DAN KELLY: I'll go with you!
STEVE HART: Wait up!
They all fight to be the first out of the door
MA KELLY: Sit down, boys!
They reluctantly sit down around the table and look unenthusiastically at the bubbling stew.
STEVE HART: Why is it green?
NED KELLY: It is? Ewww...........
MA KELLY: Would you like to say grace, Ned?
NED KELLY: No!
MA KELLY: Just do it, will you? It'll help with your saintly hero image.
NED KELLY: Erm......thanks for this....err.....feast.....and I think we can all say that we hope that it tastes far better than it looks.....or smells.....or sounds......ewwww.......errrm, Amen.
Dan reaches across the table and accidentally-on-purpose knocks the stew over so that it pours onto the floor.
DAN KELLY: Oh, no, look what I did...... (sniggers)
NED KELLY: Phew.
MA KELLY: Luckily I have a backup plan.
NED KELLY: What?
MA KELLY: Fried wombat tail.
NED KELLY:
STEVE HART:
DAN KELLY:
KATE KELLY:
TO BE CONTINUED...........
