YOUNG NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Young Ned Kelly. I'm going to dive down into the water to rescue some drowning kid.

DROWNING KID: My sole purpose in this film is to show that Ned Kelly is actually a good guy and to play up the whole 'tragic hero' thing. Glub.

Fast forward inexplicably to 15 years later in the Australian bush

NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned Kelly. I spend the entire film chewing my tongue with a wombat stuck to my chin. For some reason I've spent the night outdoors with three of my guy mates. Hey, look, a white horse wearing black leather reins! How saintly and gallant!

HORSE: Talk about foreshadowing. I'm Shadowfax from LOTR. By the way. But don't tell anyone.

JOE BYRNE: Hey, I think I know that horse!

HORSE: No you don't.

JOE BYRNE: Yeah, I'm sure I do. You remember the time I wore the blonde wig, right?

NED KELLY: No. Thankfully.

NED KELLY: I know, I'll abandon my sleeping mates and ride off on this unexplained white horse to find a pretty girl!

10 minutes later

PRETTY GIRL: So...where's your friend Joe?

NED KELLY: Back in the bush somewhere. Why do you ask?

PRETTY GIRL: You aren't going to be meeting him anytime soon are you?

NED KELLY: No.

PRETTY GIRL: Oh damn. Well, pass on my phone number.

NED KELLY: Why do they always say that?

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nice horse.

NED KELLY: Thanks.

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Looks just like one the postmaster lost.

PRETTY GIRL: Tell Joe to call me. (Hops down off horse and legs it)

NED KELLY: Hey! Come back!

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: I hereby arrest you for stealing the postmaster's horse, despite the fact that I have no proof whatsoever. (Pulls out gun)

HORSE: I don't like the look of this! (Gallops off into the distance)

NED KELLY: Hey! Come back! Oh, I hope this isn't meant to be symbolic.

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nope. (Fires gun) That's for trying to bring symbolism into the plot too early!

NED KELLY: I'm sorry.

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Really?

NED KELLY: Yeah, but I'm still going to beat you up.

POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Oh damn. Help me! Even though I still have my gun I'm not going to use it!

Policemen come running and drag him off. Fast-forward to three years later, when Ned Kelly is being released from prison and his brother Dan, Steve Hart and Joe Byrne are waiting for him.

NED KELLY: Don't I look gorgeous and intense with my newly cropped hair?

JOE BYRNE: Hi, I'm Joe Byrne. I spend the entire film looking mournfully beautiful and deep, and take my shirt off as often as I can. Watch me flex my muscles!

STEVE HART: Hi, I'm Steve Hart. I don't really have any lines-I'm just the fourth guy who backs up all the others. I used to be the prettiest until Joe joined the gang.

DAN KELLY: Hi, I'm Dan Kelly. My brother Ned permanently overshadows me.

NED KELLY: Why the hell haven't you brought a carriage, you silly berks?

DAN KELLY: We did, but Joe exchanged it for a new coat.

NED KELLY: Why?

JOE BYRNE: Just look at how the brown brings out the soulful darkness of my eyes!

NED KELLY: (rolls eyes) I guess we're walking, then.

STEVE HART: Eww.....look at the state of my trousers!

JOE BYRNE: Eurgh...dirt!

DAN KELLY: Hey, a carriage! (Waves obviously) Stop!

The carriage stops and Joe Byrne peers in.

JOE BYRNE: Hey, can we have a lift...hey, Lizzy.

LIZZY: (Leans out of carriage and slaps him) You can't just not call me and then demand a lift as if nothing had happened! Git! (Pulls back in and the carriage heads off at speed)

NED KELLY: Oh well done, Joe.

JOE BYRNE: What?

Another carriage appears and drives past

DAN KELLY: Hey, that's a friend of mine! Hey, stop! (Runs after the carriage, which comes to a halt as he pleads his case)

NED KELLY: Reckon we'll get a lift?

JOE BYRNE: I doubt it.

NED KELLY: Yeah, who'd share their daughter with you?

JOE BYRNE: Again.

Girl in carriage winks at Joe, who winks back

NED KELLY: What? For goodness' sake Joe, can't you just keep a lid on it for five minutes?

JOE BYRNE: If you knew me, like, at all, you would so not ask that question.

DAN KELLY: Hey, they say we can ride with them!

JOE BYRNE: Hey. Reckon I'm in there!

He winks ostentatiously at Ned before hopping on the back of the carriage. Ned follows him. Fast-forward to Ned's house where everyone is very excited to see him.

KATE KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned's sister. Check out my alliterative name!

MA KELLY: Hi. I cook, and provide the motive.

DAN KELLY: What's for tea, mum?

MA KELLY: Wombat stew.

JOE BYRNE:

DAN KELLY:

STEVE HART:

NED KELLY:

JOE BYRNE: That's really gross!

MA KELLY: Stop moaning, boy, there's nothing else! Ned, come and feed the baby! It'll add to your whole 'tragic hero' image.

NED KELLY: Yes ma.

JOE BYRNE: (to Kate) How you doin'?

NED KELLY: Joe! Keep a lid on it for five minutes, would you?

JOE BYRNE: Oh man! (Fidgets constantly, shuffling in his seat and fussing. 30 seconds later...) I can't take this any more! I'm going for a walk! (Stomps out, slamming the door behind him)

KATE KELLY: Do you think he'll be all right?

NED KELLY: Sure he will. He'll just go and find Kitty Alexander two doors down, then he'll come back right as rain.

MA KELLY: Stew's up!

NED KELLY: On second thoughts, I think I'd better go and check on him. (Dumps the baby unceremoniously on the table and heads for the door)

DAN KELLY: I'll go with you!

STEVE HART: Wait up!

They all fight to be the first out of the door

MA KELLY: Sit down, boys!

They reluctantly sit down around the table and look unenthusiastically at the bubbling stew.

STEVE HART: Why is it green?

NED KELLY: It is? Ewww...........

MA KELLY: Would you like to say grace, Ned?

NED KELLY: No!

MA KELLY: Just do it, will you? It'll help with your saintly hero image.

NED KELLY: Erm......thanks for this....err.....feast.....and I think we can all say that we hope that it tastes far better than it looks.....or smells.....or sounds......ewwww.......errrm, Amen.

Dan reaches across the table and accidentally-on-purpose knocks the stew over so that it pours onto the floor.

DAN KELLY: Oh, no, look what I did...... (sniggers)

NED KELLY: Phew.

MA KELLY: Luckily I have a backup plan.

NED KELLY: What?

MA KELLY: Fried wombat tail.

NED KELLY:

STEVE HART:

DAN KELLY:

KATE KELLY:

TO BE CONTINUED...........