AN: This is completely random, and just for fun. Tell me what you think? Also, for a disclaimer, I clearly do not own House.
A Different Kind of Mystery
"Thirteen, you're pulling a Cuddy. Your breasts are trying to escape out of that top." House's eyes took in Thirteen's blue blouse under her lap coat with a grin on his face.
Thirteen glowered at her boss with enough force to kill any other man. "Whatever House. Lets just get back to work."
House regarded Thirteen with curiosity, because wearing a revealing top was out of character for her. Kutner walking in with a manila envelope in hand snapped House out of his speculations.
"Test results prove that it's lung cancer. No mystery here," Kutner said as he put the results down on the table for no one in particular.
Thirteen practically leaped at the chance to get away from House's calculating stares, and she reached for the envelope. "I'll take these down to Wilson. He'll want to see to his new patient."
Thirteen had nearly reached the door as House's eyes gleamed with what he thought was a revelation. "You're pregnant."
It wasn't a question, but a statement that left House's mouth. Thirteen gasped in surprise of the accusation. "I'm not pregnant. God you're such an ass."
House stood up and stared at her. His eyes took her sight in from her head to her toes just like an unwanted intruder. "Sign number one. Swollen breasts. Sign number two. Frequent urination. Sign..."
Thirteen cut House's checklist off in frustration. "Look it's called an underwire, and secondly, why are you monitoring my trips to the bathroom?"
House ignored Thirteen's rant and continued with the checklist. "Sign number three. Lower back pain."
"You can't even prove that." She snapped at him as she reached for the door.
"Actually I can. Today when you leaned in to listen to a patient's heart, I saw you rub your back once you were finished. Obviously, it's bothering you."
Thirteen narrowed her eyes as House continued with more signs. "And lastly, sign number four. Sensitivity to smell. And I know this because normally you sit next to Foreman, but today you sat next to Taub, because Foreman's cologne reeks of a spicy pine tree forest."
Thirteen let out a sigh as House finally came to a stop. "I'm leaving now." Then she exited to go find Wilson.
House then turned to the rest of his staff. At the table sat Foreman, Taub, and Kutner. "Now, only one mystery left. Who's the father?"
House began to eye each of his male fellows. "Not Taub. Too old and too married."
"I'm younger than you!" Taub crossed his arms over his chest in a show of annoyance.
Next he turned to watch Kutner. Kutner squirmed like an impatient kid under House's intent look. "Kutner. Doesn't have it in him."
"Hey!" Kutner barked as he took on an offended tone.
House paused for a moment, then began to stare at Foreman was a curious intensity. "Ding ding, we have a winner."
Foreman sat in silence wondering if he should patronize House's act, but finally his irritation got the better of him. "I didn't sleep with Thirteen. So stop staring at me. And my cologne does not smell like a pine tree forest."
"Whatever lets you sleep at night Foreman, but we all know it's true." House grabbed his cane and made his way to the door so that he could confront Thirteen with the knowledge that he had figured out who had fathered her child. He still wasn't absolutely positive so he looked forward to judging Thirteen's reactions, because they very well might surprise even House.
