Chapter One: Papercut

            Then the steel elevator doors slid open, and his world suddenly became very cold.

            Their mutual silence hovered in the air, tangible and thick.  It sunk down, crushing and suffocating, and with it came a subtle darkness that choked out the lights raining down on them from above.  Like the putrid LCL he felt so often force its way into his lungs, the eyes of that monolithic figure glaring out of the elevator seemed to prevent any life-giving oxygen from getting down into his lungs.  Eventually he could stand it no longer, and spoke.

            "...Father..."

            Gendo Ikari's eyes, set in place behind his orange glasses, still refused to blink.  The thin, permanently frowning lips opened to project a single syllable of impatient disregard.  "What?"

            Internally cringing, Shinji looked away for a moment.  He wasn't trying to see anything else, really; at that point he just didn't want to have to face that.  The floor tiles were predictably spotless, just as they always were here in Central Dogma.  Shinji could still see in them the reflected silhouette of his father laid against the ceiling lights that seemed to grow dimmer every second.

            That uncaring glare grew colder as a few more words spit out of the stone man's mouth.  Shinji could hear them as if they came from within his own mind, and there was no escaping their sting.  "What do you want?"

Why does it feel like night today?

Something in here's not right today

Why am I so uptight today?

Paranoia's all I got left

I don't know what stressed me first

Or how the pressure was fed

But I know just what it feels like

To have a voice in the back of my head

Like a face that I hold inside

Face that awaits when I close my eyes

Face that watches every time I lie

Face that laughs every time I fall

(And watches everything)

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim

The face inside is hearing me, right underneath my skin

            Why won't those doors close? Shinji asked himself.  But they didn't, though they should have hours ago.  How long had he been here?  He could tell nothing of this contact's duration except that it had been too long.  Still the silence pushed down.

            Life had always been like this for Shinji.  Every time they'd meet, few words if any would pass between them.  Never could he remember a single phrase spoken in kindness from his father to himself.  He had been a tool, used when useful and abandoned when not.  That knowledge always haunted him, following him everywhere.  Watching him.  Pulling him down.

It's like I'm

Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a

Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I

Can't stop, but I hear it within

It's like the face inside is right

Beneath my skin

            Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and then to a complete standstill.  Standing there, the muscles in his legs began to grow unsteady, spreading from his knees up and down at paces of equally mind-rending slowness.  Shinji could feel each individual muscle strand collapsing, one after another, and after millennia of stillness his limbs began to shake visibly.

            Shinji's panic increased.  Beads of sweat formed on his brow and trickled down, defying the apparent temperature.  He wondered if they might freeze, not because of the coldness but because of their speed and lack thereof.  One, rounding the end of his nose, seemed to actually reverse its course and head back upwards just to taunt him.  Shinji knew that seeing something like that, had it been real, would be nothing less than  insanity.  But these thoughts fell short of inching into his consciousness.  They were compelled to return to wherever they had come, sent merrily along their way with all the real joy of a funeral procession, by the towering shadowy guardian that was Gendo Ikari.  He stood in the doorway of both the elevator and Shinji's mind, and nothing else could pass through either.

            If there was one positive thing that could be said of that abomination it would be of his observant nature.  He saw everything around him and, through his NERV syncophants, everything elsewhere.  His pessimism knew no bounds; if there was a problem with your performance in work, play, or life itself, he would expose it.  He did this mostly to people he already thought inferior to himself.  Like Shinji.  As those orange-covered eyes searched his face for signs of an answer or at the least something to put down, completely without moving, Shinji's comatose lockdown deepened.

I know I've got a face in me

Points out all the mistakes to me

You've got a face on the inside too

Your paranoia's probably worse

I don't know what set me off first

But I know what I can't stand

Everybody acts like the fact of the matter

Is I can't add up to what you can

But everybody has a face that they hold inside

Face that awaits when I close my eyes

Face that watches every time they lie

Face that laughs every time they fall

(And watches everything)

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim

The face inside is watching you too

Right inside your skin

            And then the doors moved.  Plowing through some unseen impediment, they crawled closer to each other.  Vertical columns of the semihuman monolith began to disappear and be replaced by the comparatively kind sheet of metal.  Its arms vanished from view, then its chest, until all that was left was the unmoving face as it spoke from within Shinji's mind.

            "Don't waste my time."

            Metal met metal with a merciful clunk.  Silence of an entirely different kind filled the room, but for only a moment.  "You childish brat."

            This latest verbal barb came from behind.  Shinji quickly turned but saw no one.  He looked back to the elevator.  Still closed.

            "Insignificant fool."  This, from yet another unseen source, pushed a now very on-edge Shinji toward the nearest exit.  The lights gave out entirely, plunging him into darkness.  Instinctively he ran towards the closest light, but it kept evading him.  Pursued by the spiteful voices and desperately trying to stay in the light, Shinji ran down the hallway.

It's like I'm

Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a

Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I

Can't stop, but I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right

Beneath the skin it's like I'm paranoid

Looking over my back, it's like a

Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I

Can't stop, but I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right

Beneath my skin

            "You fool."

            "Good for nothing."

            "Waste of time."

            Shinji ran faster, but the voice kept on following him.  Unrelenting in its assault, it pursued him with the hunger of a beast starving for a human soul.  I can't get away, he thought.  Why can't I get away?

            Please, father...don't ignore me.  Don't kill me...

The face inside is right beneath your skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin...

            A final doorway approached.  Compared to the darkness around him, no, within him, the faded rays of sunlight leaking through seemed blinding.  He burst through into the fresh air.  Lungs long deprived of usefulness kicked in, and as Shinji lost himself in the relief of safety, he tripped.  Slamming into the concrete ground, he rolled to a stop and lay there, staring up at the darkening sky.  A shadow of negative light fell over him, and Shinji didn't have to look to tell who it was.  He suddenly relapsed into paralysis and fear.

The sun goes down...I feel the light betray me

The sun goes down...I feel the light betray me

(The sun) It's like I'm

Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a

Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I

Can't stop, but I'm hearing within

It's like (I feel the light betray me)

(The sun) Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a

Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I

Can't stop, but I'm hearing within

It's like (I feel the light betray me)

It's like I can't stop but I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right Beneath my skin

            A frigid fire flowed forth from its blackened maw along with a phrase that crippled him, destroyed him, left nothing left but oblivion.

            "Worthless."

            Shinji collapsed into himself, trying to shut out the utter nothingness that beckoned him to join with it.  His eyes clenched shut, and he felt the concrete moving.  It began to give slightly under his weight, almost comfortably.  In confusion he risked another glance at his surroundings.

            A smooth, flowing, concerned voice found its way to the boy's ears.  "Shinji. Are you alright?"

            To the blue-framed face above him, Shinji displayed a shallow smile along with a sigh of relief.  He rose from his bed, thanked her, and prepared for another day at Central Dogma.  Outside the window, the sky was visible.  Dark clouds had already begun to gather.