"Wow Batta, how in the world did you find a pair of tattered pants and bandana that fit me and my fat head?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know."

"Boy, this belt is really uncomfortable!"

"All right, I've heard just about enough whining from you! You shut your mouth fatty before I force feed you nutritious carrot sticks!"

In the face of such an ominous threat, the chubby brigand decided that the miracle of having pants that finally fit him made the belt bearable.

And besides, Batta was even more grumpy at the moment than usual. "Now, have you been out recruiting more people for our bandit group like I asked you to? It just burns me up that those two guys we met the other day didn't join us just because I didn't have their uniforms ready at the moment."

"Would that be the tattered pants with bandana?"

"Well ... yeah. Anyway! Did you do what I told you to do? I'll never become the manly leader of my own feared band of bandits if you keep slacking off like this!" Batta stuck his axe into the ground in frustration. "What are we supposed to do, go up to a village ... 'Oh hi there, my name is Batta the Beast, and here is my lowly, worthless slob sidekick, so can you give me all of your possessions please?' that's not gonna happen! We need more people, preferrably people who can chase down fleeing villagers and actually catch them on account that they are NOT slowed down by their legs constantly rubbing together!"

"I did see a guy the other day, though! He was some random tactician guy wandering around the plains. So I pretended like I needed tactical advice, then when he got close I threw him to the ground and sat on his face until he went unconscious! I started to drag him over to our hut so we could force him to join our band, but it was too hard so I just left him there. I hope you are not angry with me, Batta!"

"Oh no, not at all. Actually, I think it's great how you're not even supposed to be alive, from an evolutionary perspective! Yeah, I bet you dragged that tactician five inches, which caused you to burn precious calories, which was, of course, completely unacceptable, so you stuffed your face with something greasy and indescribably disgusting."

And the terrible legend of Batta The Beast began that day!