TOUCHING THE WODASH

(We have lingered in the chambers of the sea

By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown

Till human voices wake us, and we drown.)

They would say that she wasn't real (the muttering retreats).So they won't know.

But they will know. They will see me a little different. A little lighter.

I return home and see the life I chose – its order, its darkness, its practicality, how impersonal it all is (I have measured out my life with coffee spoons). For the past fifteen years I have sat at home at night and read – literature, research, student's papers – but I never went out for a walk and thought about what I would do if I were a moth (Do I dare to eat a peach?). I only use words that are in the Miriam-Webster dictionary. Reading poetry is just an exercise in getting inside the poet's mind, not exploring untouched or forgotten regions of my own. No, not forgotten. Never forgotten. Forsaken, perhaps.

But forsaken for what? (To lead you to an overwhelming question…) This? (Oh, do not ask, "What is it?")

This life was a purely logical choice, which explains why I feel I've lost an integral part of myself in it.

Somehow it seems to make sense that through losing my father I gained Silvy. No, I didn't gain her. You can't quantify her the way you can measure water or count businessmen. She is untouchable like the moon's reflection on a river. And yet I was granted the gift of touching her again.

This time (And time yet for a hundred indecisions/ And for a hundred visions and revisions), I really saw her. And she made me see myself.

(And would it have been worth it, after all,

Would it have been worth while,

After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,

After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—

And this, and so much more? —

It is impossible to say just what I mean!

But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:

Would it have been worth while

If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,

And turning toward the window, should say:

"That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.")

Yes. Absolutely.