I do not own any of it. All characters, unless I come up with an OC, belong to Patricia Briggs.
Not many things can kill a werewolf. Their immortal bodies heal from just about any injury, but decapitation is more than just an injury. It's a severing of the body from the thing that controls it and keeps it alive, the thing that makes the heart beat and the body heal itself.
I had expected us to be together so much longer than the few short years we shared. My recently discovered immortality sounded like a blessing at the time, but now it seems like a curse, an unending curse to be smothered by misery and regret. I can't kill myself, Coyote won't allow it. He's already stopped me twice. He doesn't understand my need to move on from this life because he's never lost anyone the way I lost the one person that held me completely: body, mind and soul. The agony of life is never ending. I constantly ask myself and the universe around me: Why couldn't I have died alongside him?
The accident never should have happened. Adam was always such a careful driver, but you can't always account for the actions of others. The drunken man that had hit him hadn't lived long after the accident, I'd seen to that, but I couldn't change what he'd already done. A head on collision at a high speed can cause the hood of a car to break free and come crashing into the cab. Why couldn't I have been in the car with Adam? I should have been. I was supposed to ride with him to the store that morning to get more eggs, but changed my mind at the last minute so I could stay in bed. If I had just gone with him, I would have died that day and wouldn't be forced to live on without him.
At least I don't have to see Jessie anymore. The sweet girl had tried to help me after the accident but I couldn't stand to be around her. She looks so much like her father and acts just like him. She tried staying with me for awhile but finally gave up on me, just as everyone else had. With her inheritance, she was able to buy a condo in a nice city and start a new life for herself. She's even married now, though I didn't go to the wedding. I have a hard time being around anyone that had been connected to Adam, so I mostly just stay home.
Coyote may have intervened in my attempted suicide but he doesn't seem to care if I live my life in a semi-conscious, drug-induced state of numbness. Deciding I wasn't quite numb enough today, I popped the cap on the meds meant to ward off panic attacks and took two more. The prescription states I should take one every twelve hours if I'm really struggling, but I usually take at least double that amount. The two pills I pop in my mouth make a total of five I've taken since waking up a few hours ago. That state of pharmaceutically enhanced nirvana I prefer to dwell in has eluded me today, so I wash down the pills with a draw on the liquor bottle I picked up at the store yesterday.
Zee won't be coming to check on me again or Tad for that matter. I managed to run them both off after cursing all fae. I didn't realize it would actually work, but it worked quite well. I didn't mean for them to stay away forever. I just wanted to be left to mourn in peace. Even the walking stick hasn't come back. The entire pack abandoned me months ago, saying it was the only choice they could make. My emotions were flooding the pack bonds and making too many of them act out. Warren came by to check on me a few times, but that stopped after I shot him. He had healed physically but I'd wounded more than just his arm.
The extra meds finally started to kick in and my thoughts began to fade. I closed my eyes and felt myself sinking into the blackness, the comforting quiet of nothingness brought on by too much medication and alcohol. A familiar voice roused me slightly but I didn't wake fully. I just listened to the soft words and let the loving tone surround me, wrapping me in a blanket of comfort I so desperately needed. I'd been alone too long, left to fend for myself after estranging everyone I loved. The voice tugged at a distant memory, one I struggled to recall. This same voice had once called to me and whispered reassuringly when I had been hurt and unconscious. I knew who it sounded like, but it couldn't be him. He had gone back to Italy with the rest of his former seethe.
Nonetheless, I relaxed in the comfort of another's arms and let myself be carried to my bed and tucked in. The bed sunk down next to me from the weight of another person lying down but I still didn't open my eyes. Stefan's scent surrounded me as he pulled me against his chest and held me as he continued whispering to me. Tears began to flow from my eyes and deep sobs wracked my chest. It was the first time I'd cried since finding out about Adam's death. I'd shed a few tears those first days but wouldn't let myself cry for fear I would fall apart completely. But now, in the safety of my friend's arms, I let myself feel the depth of the pain I'd hidden within myself and accepted that my mate had died.
XXXXX
When I woke the next night, I had slept the rest of the former night and all the next day, the smell of greasy food and rustling of a paper bag alerted me that I wasn't alone. When I sat up in the bed, I saw Stefan standing on the other side of the room next to my empty dresser, the clothes were all over the floor, pulling a hamburger out of the a bag from the closest fast food chain. He crossed the room and extended the food to me but I didn't reach out to take it. I just stared at him. I still wasn't sure if he was real. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd imagined someone I cared about being in my room.
"Mercy, you need to eat. When is the last time you had a meal?" he asked me in a concerned tone. I cocked my head to the side as I considered his question. I wasn't sure what the answer was. "I think it was day before yesterday."
He shook his head and let out a sigh. Extending the burger to me again, he said "Take this and eat." I could feel the magic he used to try and persuade me into eating. It didn't work but it did make me angry. Narrowing my eyes at him, I snatched the burger out of his hand and said, "Your little tricks don't work on me, remember?"
"Oh, yes, I remember quite clearly." He said with a smirk. "I also remember that irritating you is sometimes the best way to get you into action."
I rolled my eyes at him but opened the burger and took a bite. The taste of food ignited the hunger I had been ignoring and I was suddenly famished. The burger was gone in seconds, so he handed me the fries that had come with it. Normally, I don't eat this type of food, but I guess my new normal is to not eat at all.
As I scarfed down the fries, he said, "When you're finished, get yourself cleaned up and dressed. We're leaving."
Cocking a brow at him, I asked around a mouthful of fries, "Where exactly do you plan on us going? I'm not in the mood to be around people."
"You forfeited the privilege of deciding whether or not you get to be alone when you decided to try to kill yourself with that horrid medication last night." As he spoke, his eyes flashed red with the anger he was trying to control. He would really be in for a shock if he knew I'd nearly killed myself twice and was only still here because of Coyote's creative intervention.
When I finished eating but didn't move to get up, he demanded, "Get yourself clean and presentable or I will do it for you."
Groaning in frustration, I tossed back the blanket and stood from the bed. I'd nearly made it to the bathroom before stumbling with fatigue. My body was severely dehydrated from lack of water to balance the alcohol and prescription pills I'd overindulged on. Stefan caught me before I hit the floor and steadied me as I walked the rest of the way to the bathroom. Luckily, the dehydration took care of the need I'd usually have to pee, so I was spared the embarrassment.
Instead of leaving me to do it on my own, he started the shower and helped me undress. I had once been worried about being naked around Stefan because of his feelings for me, but I just didn't care anymore. Once the water was warm enough, he helped me step over the side of the tub and waited for me on the other side of the curtain while I washed the filth off my skin and out of my hair. When I was finished, he helped me towel off and dressed me like an adult dresses a small child.
Since it was too hard to continue to avoid looking in the mirror, I finally caved and took in my appearance. My usually defined cheek bones now looked chiseled, but not in an attractive way, and my lips were terribly dry. The skin around my eyes was baggy and sunken with dark circles. My hair was tangled in a knotted mess that would take awhile to comb through. In all, I had the look of a heavy drug user, which I guess I was in a sense. Since I could do something about the hair, I picked up the comb and fought my way through the tangles until my hair was semi-tame. Having had enough of looking at myself, I dropped my eyes from the mirror as I set down the comb and turned to see Stefan staring at me as intensely as I had been staring into the mirror.
"I had no idea," he said softly as he shook his head and dropped his eyes. "I would have come sooner if I had known."
I looked for words to say but didn't find any. Part of me was glad he hadn't come, I'd have probably ruined our friendship as I had all the others, but the other part of me wished he'd been here all along. Stefan was always good to me before he left. Maybe I wouldn't have been alone.
When I stayed quiet, Stefan finally took my hand and said, "Come on, we have somewhere to be."
Magic that felt like Stefan wrapped itself around me as he transported us both somewhere else. When my eyes focused again, we were standing on a path in a quiet park that may have been busy if it were midday, not midnight. The nearly full moon lit the path brightly and I could see playground equipment in the distance closer to the center of the park, but the area we were in was closer to the woods and was empty of everything but nature. My inner coyote was called by the woods and the darkness. It would be the perfect place to let myself run freely and enjoy the wild.
Noticing my thoughts, Stefan said, "The night calls to you?"
"Yes, but if I change now, I may not come back." I answered honestly.
He snorted and chuckled quietly as he said, "Well, then I'd appreciate it if you did not change. Chasing down a coyote is not something I would enjoy." I wasn't trying to be funny, so I'm not sure he believed me.
Stefan hooked his arm through mine and turned us towards the trees as we began to walk. We walked quietly for awhile as I took in clean smell of the night air. The stars peeking through the canopy of the trees were beautiful, casting a gentle light that gave our surroundings and unreal beauty. The serenity of the forest-like trees we walked through cleared the cobwebs in my mind. It had been a long time since I'd been outside and I told him that. Suddenly, I found myself telling him about everything. About how I'd run off everyone that tried to help me, how I had stopped going to the garage and all my customers found elsewhere to take their cars, how I'd finally holed myself up in the little apartment I rented with the life insurance money I'd received and only left to pick up prescription refills or food on the rare occasion.
He was silent as we walked and simply listened to me. I couldn't smell any emotions on him, not that I usually can with a vampire, and his body language was completely relaxed, so I didn't get any cues that I should stop talking because what I was saying made him uncomfortable, as it did most people. He just listened and didn't try to give me any advice, which was nice.
Eventually, I stopped talking and we just walked along the path until the trees were less dense and we were again in a more family-friendly area. When we came across a bench, we sat down and I tilted my head back to look at the night sky. The heavy ache in my chest was still present but the weight of it didn't feel as suffocating out here. It was like the peacefulness of the night was soothing the pain inside me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against Stefan's shoulder where I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. He still hadn't said anything since I unloaded my thoughts on him but I didn't mind. It was a lot to take it for someone that had last seen me while I was still a happily married mechanic and part of a werewolf pack.
Stefan's movement woke me as he put his arm around my shoulder. The comforting gesture made some of the tightness in my chest relax and I leaned further into him. He took a breath as if to speak but didn't say anything. I sat up and looked at him, waiting for him to say whatever he wanted to say.
"I plan to stay here for awhile," he finally said as he stared into the darkness. A moment went by before he continued, "The easiest way for me to say this is to be direct. I do not know anyone in this city you've moved to but I'm not willing to leave you here alone while I hunt. I would like to renew our bond so I can more easily look out for you while I establish myself here."
When I didn't say anything, he mistook my silence for reluctance and said, "I would not take your blood unwillingly, though I may ask for it from time to time. Until I have a menagerie established, it will be harder to feed regularly and having you would help."
I leaned my head on his shoulder again and shrugged as I said, "Sure."
He leaned away from me and turned to face me with a look of surprise as he asked, "You have no objections to any of it?"
Shaking my head as I shrugged again, I pulled his shoulder back to where it had been so I could lay my head back down. I said, "You have to survive just like the rest of us. I wouldn't mind having you around and I know you need blood." Maybe I'd change my mind later, but I'd lost much of myself over the past few months. Giving Stefan blood or knowing he was gathering a new menagerie wasn't a concern of mine at the moment.
"You are more broken than I had thought," he whispered quietly, though I'm sure he knew I could hear him. I didn't object to his comment because he was right, I was broken.
