Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Fox Network, Universal Pictures or House MD. The character of Lorelei Chase or any characters not related to the show is that of my own creation and the plot itself is that of my own work.
Author's Notes: This is my first attempt at a House fanfic. I'm a big fan of Chameron since their my favourite pairing and characters on the show the chemistry pretty much works well. Also featured in the story are appearances by the new fellows, Foreman, Wilson, Cuddy and House himself. I'm really glad they're finally going to get more air time in season six after the show mainly focused on the new fellows the last two seasons. This fic was inspired by an episode I watched of a show called Step by Step and if anyone is familiar with it then you'll know what episode it is.
Summary: Cameron & Chase knew one day they'll have to explain the "facts of life" to their daughter. But even when they tell them her it doesn't help when she gets a second consult and some hilarious outcomes to show people what her parents told her.
The Facts of Life
Chapter 1: The Birds and the Bees
Usually for most children even as young as five years old of age many wonder how mommies and daddies make babies. Of course for Lorelei Chase she was aware that her parents were expecting another baby in two months time. "So you see Lori in about three months you're going to have a new baby brother or sister." She remembered the picture her parents showed her of the baby that was growing inside Cameron's belly and since then the young girl became curious. Lorelei walked into her parents' room one night and surprisingly she still found them awake talking and looking at the picture of the ultrasound that they took from their recent appointment earlier today with their doctor.
"Lori what's wrong?" Cameron asked her daughter, "Why aren't you asleep? Did you have a bad dream again?"
"No bad dreams...just couldn't sleep because I was thinking about the baby," Lorelei smiled, "Mommy, daddy is it okay if I sleep here for awhile?"
"C'mon peanut climb in," Chase moved over on the bed as he watched his daughter climb and lie down in between her parents, "Sweetie mommy and daddy want to show you something."
"Is that the baby inside mommy's belly?" Lorelei asked as Chase held up the sonogram up to the light for their daughter to see. Cameron smiled as she placed her hand on her belly and felt the baby kick again and placed her daughter's hand on her belly to feel it. "Daddy, the baby is kicking inside mommy's belly. Feel it."
"Sure is a kicker there ladies...so we got to get the nursery ready soon."
"I know and besides there's still a lot of stuff for us buy for the nursery Robert. First, we got to stop by work first thing in the morning because I got to turn in my budget reports for the ER and sign off on a few things. Just a few more weeks than I finally get my maternity leave."
"Thank goodness for Saturdays Allie just you, me and Lorelei without any interruptions."
"Mommy, daddy...when you two are kissing is that how babies are made?" Cameron was taking a sip of water when she suddenly spit out the water she was about to swallow by hearing her daughter ask that question.
"Excuse me? What did you just say young lady?" Chase asked wide eyed as Cameron was trying to relax, "Lorelei Isobel Chase could you tell mommy and daddy what you just said?"
"Sure daddy when you and mommy are kissing does that mean you're making babies? Is that how my new baby brother or sister was made?" The two of them could just look wide eyed at their smiling daughter and it left them in a very uncomfortable and awkward position as parents.
"Robert before...you try to pass out on me maybe we'll try to digest and process what the heck our five year old daughter just said maybe we should set the record straight," Cameron replied as she wrapped her arm around Lorelei, "Okay Lorelei sweetie, now you tell mommy why you think when mommy and daddy are kissing each other it makes you think we're suddenly making babies?"
"Because you and daddy are kissing all the time and my friend Rory Mitchell said that's how you make a baby," Lorelei smiled, "And now there's a baby inside mommy's tummy."
"So...Allie which one of us wants to tell her the truth first about babies?" Chase asked looking at Cameron and then looking at Lorelei.
"Alright honey we can handle this...we're doctors and professionals here at the same time we'll explain this to her in a way her mind can handle it. Lorelei sweetie...your friend Darren well he is...actually wrong first of all. Babies are not made from kissing and that's a definite big no."
"Then where do they come from mommy?"
"Let me try to take a stab at this and besides I don't want you to get worked up being seven months pregnant. Besides if she hears it from me then it would be a cool breeze and easy to put it in ways she'll understand. I have an idea of a where do babies come from speech in my head."
"I like to see that one" Cameron thought to herself as Lorelei turned to Chase, "So...enlighten our daughter of your famous where do babies come from speech."
"Okay Lori...now when a mommy and daddy want a baby they go to this little big magical Cabbage Patch," Chase was obviously trying to put it in a way that sounded both silly and stupid for Cameron but at the same time put it in a way Lorelei would understand it as she smirked at her husband's so called speech. "And it's ruled by this royal queen and her elves."
"You got to be kidding me c'mon Chase how bad are you seriously trying to sugarcoat this?" Cameron yelled, "Robbie just let me handle this besides I'm the one carrying the bowling ball in my stomach for the last seven months! She should hear it from the one who had the experience in this."
"Just give me a moment I haven't got to the magical castle and how the babies come down the rainbow!"
"Oh gosh you know what Lorelei forget what daddy said okay? I'm going to tell you really where babies come from?"
Chase looked shock and covered up Lorelei's ears shaking his head no but Cameron gave him a stern look on her face saying that she has a right to know.
"Allison you can't tell her that! I know we're doctors but a graphic detail info on the creation of babies is something that our daughter shouldn't know about."
"Our daughter asked us an honest question and I'm going to give her an honest answer do you have a problem with that?"
"Mommy I want daddy to tell me where babies come from!" Lorelei whined with puppy dog eyes, "Daddy's stories are fun to hear and I love when daddy explains things!"
"Oh...okay then daddy take it away," Cameron smirked leaning back against the bed broad as Chase was getting really uncomfortable.
"Okay so the question is..." Chase was trying to clear his throat with Lorelei looking at him smiling, "Huh the question is...where do babies come from?"
"That's right!" Lorelei smiled.
"And the answer...the answer is the baby comes from mommy's tummy the end! Oh gosh look it's getting late and it's way pass your bedtime." Chase tried to turn off the lamp but failed.
"But how does the baby get into mommy's tummy?" Lorelei asked.
"Yeah how does that work daddy?" Cameron laughed teasing her husband.
"Out of all days of the week you had to pick Friday night to ask this," Chase continued looking uncomfortable, "You're actually looking for a complete explanation. Okay...the baby gets into mommy's tummy because...well...huh that's where the seed is planted. Oh gosh it's already eleven thirty at night you're going to be really tired Lori!"
"Yeah I'll go to sleep..." Lorelei asked, "Right after...you tell me how the seed gets into mommy's tummy."
"Well since you're not doing a good job telling the story babe this requires a two person job," Cameron added, "And besides the sooner we tell her the sooner she'll sleep and I need to get up in the morning for my department meeting before we go shopping for some stuff for the nursery. Babe...for a story about the birds and the bees it's lacking something."
"Alright you win..." Chase sighed with relief and discomfort as both of them now had to discuss the birds and the bees to Lorelei, "What a night this will be.
The next day Cameron and Chase found themselves called into work at Princeton Plainsboro for their perspective department meetings. Cameron headed down to the ER to deal with some administration work while Chase had an early staff meeting to attend with the heads of the surgical department. Although Saturday was their day off Cuddy explained that it would just be for about an hour or two at most for them. They left Lorelei in the care of Foreman and the new team for about an hour at the Diagnostics Department Office. Lorelei liked hanging out with everyone while she came by for visits at the hospital especially at the Diagnostics Department. She was busy playing with her dolls that she brought in her knapsack when she heard their pagers go off indicating that they needed to tend to their patient.
"Hey Lori Cup!" Foreman replied calling her by the nickname he gave her, "Listen we have to go take care of a patient for one minute. I'm sure House will show up sometime soon but make sure you stay here in the office okay? I don't want your mom and dad to pound me if anything happens to you alright sport?"
"Okay Uncle Eric I'll stay put," Lorelei replied, "Are you going to save some more lives again?"
"Yeah that's what we do," Thirteen said.
"Just give us a few minutes and then you can show us your show and tell presentation you're going to do on Monday at school," Foreman said patting her on the head as the others exited the room, "We'll be back soon."
"If you're hungry just help yourself to the donuts on the table," Taub replied as they headed down the hallway.
A little while later Lorelei was playing in the Diagnostics Office when she heard the sound of the glass door open revealing House walking into the room with Wilson. Giving her assumption she had an idea that he just arrived for work and suckered Wilson to come to his office to borrow some money for food. House was startled to find a five year old girl sitting at the table playing with her barbie dolls as she looked up at the two men. The girl was obviously the combine image of her parents with a faint touch of Chase's Australian accent, the blond hair and looks from both her parents, and the variant green eyes from Cameron. Even after five years of knowing the kid it still was a mystery to House even to this day as to why in the world Cameron and Chase would name both him and Cuddy the godparents to their daughter. However, despite the person he is somehow he found a soft spot for Lorelei.
"Oh I didn't know that I was suddenly running a daycare in my department," House replied as Lorelei looked up, "Was there a memo Cuddy sent out that I missed Wilson?"
"What a nice way of greeting your goddaughter House," Wilson sarcastically said, "I'm sure she'll remember this everytime she comes by especially when you forgot her parents had meetings this morning to attend to."
"If I known then I would of locked up my stash of porn in case sticky fingers went snooping for the yahoo. Besides...why didn't her parents dump Chameron 2.0 with Cuddy for the hour instead of sending her up here every single time?"
"Because Aunt Lisa says as much as she love to watch me she had to attend a meeting with some big fancy suit people for the hospital and mommy and daddy have their meetings also," Lorelei smiled playing with her dolls, "So they suggested that I stay up here in your office Uncle House until my parents are done. Uncle Eric and the team went to save patient's lives again when their beepers went off. He promises to watch my show and tell presentation I'm going to show my class on Monday."
"Very facsinating to know useless information," House said as Lorelei continued to play with her dolls. For some reason it caught his attention and that of Wilson's while he was explaining to House the importance of paying back money. "Hey Chameron 2.0 what are you playing?"
"I'm playing with my dollies and they're learning how to make babies! Mommy and daddy explained to me how they made my new baby brother or sister that is inside mommy's tummy. My friend Rory Mitchell said that mommy and daddy are kissing each other that means they're making babies but then they said babies are not made because their kissing."
"Got to agree with Cameron and Wombat and tell you kid that your friend Rory is an idiot...unless that's how his parents sugarcoat the idea of the conception of babies. I'm betting you threw mommy and daddy a curve ball when you ask that last night didn't you?"
"Yup and daddy said at first that babies come from a magical cabbage patch that is ruled by this magical queen and her elves and the babies come down this magical rainbow. But mommy called daddy an idiot and told me not to listen to what he has to say because he wasn't making any sense at all mommy would say."
"Another milestone for Lorelei Chase...your parents gave you the talk about the birds and the bees didn't they?" Wilson asked as she nodded. "I am curious to know as to what first gave you the idea that kissing is the reason your parents make babies?"
"As I said Uncle Jimmy my friend Rory said that but my parents wanted to set the record straight. Since they're both doctors they told me how babies are made and said kissing is at least part one of it."
"So tell me oh little blonde half-breed one..." House smirked at the girl, "How did mommy and daddy explain part two of this epic tale?"
"Oh don't enable the kid House this is something that is between her and her parents. If I stay a bit longer I'm going to assume that your going to mock Chase and Cameron on how their explanation of the birds and the bees to Lorelei. Knowing your motives if you let her tell mommy and daddy's story to you my money will say you're going to add a few plot twists to spice up the story aren't you?"
"Oh is there a problem trying to teach "a few life lessons" to my goddaughter here Wilson...I say not. I believe my good friend that little Lorelei here is about to tell us a story."
Lorelei used her barbie dolls to explain to House and Wilson what her parents told her about the birds and the bees. Surprisingly she did mention something about sex, sperms and eggs being planted and how mothers would carry the baby for nine months in the womb until the expected due date. However, through Lorelei's intereptation of reproduction House obviously knew that Cameron and Chase waterdown the whole thing for her. If a kid were to ask him the question of where babies come from he would simply give them the medical process of how it is done and knowing that Lorelei was one of those kids now eager to learn the facts of life, it was time she knew.
"So that is what mommy and daddy says of how babies are made," Lorelei replied as she finished, "So Uncle Greg, Uncle Jimmy what do you think?"
"No offense kid but seriously that is the sugarcoated version of the birds and bees mommy and daddy told you," House answered, "Put it this way your parents thought they told you all you needed to know but in reality everybody lies...including mommy and daddy. Put it this way the story mommy and daddy told you is just the Cliffnote's version of it."
"But they told me all I needed to know," Lorelei said, "Is there something else missing?"
"Don't even cross the line House she's only five years old," Wilson warned him as House smiled a mischievious look, "I'm going to bail out of here before I get wrapped in your little game here and you do some damage to this poor sweet little girl's mind."
"Uncle Jimmy is just going through some male PMS right now but old killjoy will be fine," House replied as he took Lorelei's dolls and pulled out a medical book from his shelf, "Oh the things parents try to teach their kids in a sugarcoated environment. We'll keep this between you and me kid that if you're going to learn about the birds and bees then you should learn all the basics and hey it will make your little doll show better. This is more than just about sex, sperms, eggs and pregnancy just sit back and get the all ages version of the story."
Two hours later Cameron and Chase went to pick up Lorelei from the Diagnostics Department where they found their daughter at the table coloring some pictures with Foreman. The two of them walked into the room and greeted Foreman.
"Hey two hours are up," Cameron and Chase said, "Was she any trouble at all?"
"Apparently the team and I had to step out for a bit to check up on a patient and we found her with House," Foreman said, "He was showing her some stuff in one of his medical books but he shut it quickly stating he had clinic duty. Your kid didn't understand what House was showing her because it had a lot of big words and confusing diagrams for her to understand...overall I say she was good."
"Thanks for watching her again Foreman," Chase said as Lorelei was getting ready, "Come sweetie let daddy help you get your stuff together."
"She got curious last night and ask the question about the birds and the bees," Cameron added, "And being the curveball question of the night had to explain to her how her new baby brother or sister was made. Being seven months pregnant and suddenly having your kid ask you about where babies come from surprised me as a mother."
"Put it this way whatever way you you two explained it to her I'm sure she got the general idea of it," Foreman smiled, "If Lorelei was going to ask about the birds and the bees thankfully it would be from her parents unless she ended up getting a second consult about the topic."
"Trust me that's enough I can handle," Chase said, "But say if House were to explain about the birds and the bees to a child you know you'll definitely get the unrated, medical version of it and believe us the last thing we need is for House's insane interceptation of the birds and the bees being told to our daughter."
"Mommy, daddy are we going to mall now?" Lorelei asked. "I thought you were going to shop for stuff for the new baby."
"And that is what we're going to do honey so let's get a move on and enjoy the rest of the day," they both replied.
"Okay take care and see you Monday," Foreman said, "Catch you later Lori Pop!"
The three of them left and rode the elevator to the main lobby and walked towards the exit of the hospital. House was in the clinic when he spotted the trio walking towards the doors that for his entertainment chatted up with them for a few seconds.
"I see you finally claimed Chameron 2.0 from my office," House smirked, "Always using my department as a daycare for the little blond half-breed girl of yours. I'm assuming it's because all the other departments charge by the hour to look after the kid but not to worry she has three other qualified babysitters to watch her."
"Apparently she likes hanging around her godfather's department when she comes to visit," Chase said, "And Foreman did mention about your little bonding session with your goddaugther here. Did House teach you anything good?"
"Huh nope...just a lot of medical stuff I don't understand daddy," Lorelei answered, "And showed me big words I can't say."
"Just a little chip off the old block I would say right Wombat?" House winked at Lorelei giving her parents a confusing and suspicious look, "So I see your wife's balloon is inflating by the day. Two more months huh? Still don't know what the sex of the baby is or don't want to know? But not to worry I got a betting pool going on with the nurses on the sex of the baby. Even odds got it so far as a girl but I got 2-1 odds it's going to be a wombat junior."
"Thanks for betting on my pregnancy House," Cameron sarcastically said, "I'm happy to know how the odds of our baby's sex are placed based on 2-1 or even odds. You're probably not going to tell us what the payout is aren't you?"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out," House smiled as he walked back into the clinic, "As for the chances of when the talk about the birds and the bees would come out...I won a double payout guessing that eventually Chameron 2.0 would ask you when Chase knocked you up the second time around. I sure would like to know how that talk went...but knowing mommy and daddy they'll just give the Cliffnotes version to the kid instead."
"I wonder what that is about?" Chase asked confused, "He's even betting on when we gave Lori the talk...you think he's up to something?"
"What kind of question is that..." Cameron replied as they walked out of the hospital, "It's House and there's always something going on in that complex and maverick mind of his. Lorelei one piece of advice about your godfather...be mindful of what he tells you because sometimes you'll never expect it to come out in the open."
"Okay mommy, daddy I will," Lorelei smiled, "Don't worry about House...he didn't say anything naughty at all. Yup...nothing at all."
(Author's Notes: Okay so this was suppose to be a one fic but I'm assure you this will not be no more than five chapters. This is my first fic and I hope you enjoyed it. I would appreciate any feedback and reviews and I'll update really soon. Take care!)
