Heaven's not enough
A Torchwood Song fic
Heaven's not enough
If when you get there...
Just another blue
Ianto Jones' stood on the edge, looking over Cardiff. He wasn't sure why, only that there was something, someone significant to him. Looking down now, he felt…empty? Sad? Lonely?
No.
Angels don't feel emotions.
And heaven's not enough
You think you've found it
And it loses you
Jack stood at the gravestone. There was snow over the graveyard, the only disturbance of the white blanket being his footsteps. He bent down next to the stone headboard and swept the snow off gently.
It read:
Ianto Jones. Loved by many. A good friend and a beautiful lover. Rest in Peace.
Jack had never been one for words, and thanked Gwen for finding them for him.
He felt tears sting his face, as they rolled down his cheeks and were swept away on biting cold breezes.
You've thought of all there is
But not enough
And it loses you in a cloud
Ianto pondered, sitting on the edge of the cloud. His legs swung back and forth, in a naïve, childlike way. He watched the snow fall from the heavens unto the Earth. He tried to remember, he really did, but it did not come to him, no matter how hard he strained to remember his human memories.
"There" most everything is nothing'
That it seems
"Where" you see the things you only wanna see
Jack trudged back through the graveyard, depressed, cold, and lonely. Lost without Ianto, his guiding light and his inspiration. It was true; he'd lost many people he loved in his past.
Estelle
The true Captain Jack Harkness
John
Gray….
He wondered if there really could be a God, and for a second, lost faith in heaven. He'd died so many times, and seen only darkness, how could such a place exist? A utopia made for the deceased to enjoy an eternal bliss.
But what was eternal bliss without your lover by your side? Surely nothing could add up to such a feeling such as love itself.
I'd fly away
To a higher plane
To say words I resist
To float away
To sigh
To breathe.... forget
And heaven's not enough
If when I'm there I don't remember you
And heaven does enough
You think you know it
And it uses you
"You cannot remember Ianto."
"But why?"
Ianto looked the angel in the eye. The angel sighed.
"Sometimes, remembering life is too painful. When you came here, you were too unstable for you to remember. We took your memories and preserved them for you, so you could forget your pain and be at peace. But I would not go there and remember, it is too emotional, and it may cause you to…"
Ianto's eyes widened. Angels could not feel emotions, at least not human emotions. To remember would be like suicide. He would become a fallen angel, a soul lost on Earth, left to wander until its job was done.
"I have to remember."
"Even at this cost?"
Ianto thought for a few minutes. Was this thing, this person on Earth really worth the possibility of never being again?
"Even at this cost."
I saw so many things
But like a dream
Always losing me in a cloud
Jack tossed and turned in his sleep, as the memories flashed back in his mind. Images of that day, the day he lost his best friend, his lover. And how it could have been had he not been so…
Cause I couldn't cry
Cause I turned away
Couldn't see the score
Didn't know the pain
Of leaving yesterday really far behind
He'd been unable to reconcile with Ianto. The Welshman had fled out of the hub, crying, yet Jack had been unable to move himself to tears. He loved Ianto, yes, but he was not ready for … forever. He and Ianto had been together for close enough two years, and had known each other a lot longer. But he need a lot of time before deciding to step into a civil partnership. He was unable to put his past behind him, and it had only been Ianto who'd totally suffered. He sighed and ran after Ianto, closely followed by Tosh and Owen, as he ran onto the invisible lift. The others just managed to get on, worried about their leader and teammate as the lift ascended.
Jack saw his lover run out, running away.
"Ianto!" He called. Ianto stopped and looked back at Jack.
"IANTO!" Jack screamed, running, but it was too late.
Tosh screamed in fear and shock; Owen held her close, shaking violently.
Ianto had never seen the truck coming…
In another life
In another dream
By a different name
Gave it all away
For a memory
And a quiet lie
The memories came back to Ianto. He doubled over, screaming in pain. His body couldn't take the guilt, the anger, the sadness. But something stronger rose above.
Love.
Lust.
Joy.
Happiness.
He steadied his breathing, and his body regained itself. He looked around, and saw the road. He looked over at where the entrance to the hub was, through the lift, and began to walk. At first, it was strange; his legs felt heavy and his body seemed too tired, but he willed himself onwards. There was one more thing he had to do before he had to return to his new life in death.
The words echoed in his mind; sometimes, remembering life is too painful. When you came here, you were too unstable for you to remember. We took your memories and preserved them for you, so you could forget your pain and be at peace…
And now he knew why. The proposal, the fight, the running the…
He shook the tears away and continued further, going through the secret entrance in the tourist office where he would work sometimes, and slipped into the hub.
And I felt the face
Of a cold tonight
Still don't know the score
Jack sat on the sofa, in just his underwear and his greatcoat. He was cold but he didn't care. He felt colder inside, remembering Ianto's face as he lay there dying. Jack cursed himself as silent tears rolled down his cheeks.
He should have stopped him.
Told him he did love him.
He should never have faltered.
He curled up on the sofa, crying into his body, sobbing loudly. No one would ever hear him, no one heard him cry. Only Ianto, and now he was dead, gone, never coming back.
"Ianto… why… I… I need you!" He yelled out to the cold silence that gripped the hub.
But I know the pain
Of leaving everything really far behind
And if I could cry
And if I could live what truth I did then take me there
Ianto kneeled down next to Jack. He stroked his lover's soft, chocolate brown hair, and caressed his beautiful pale cheek. Ianto knew pain. He understood loss, and hurt, and anguish. He'd remembered so much, and didn't want to forget. He would always be an outcast in his life, taking on the daily toll of depression and guilt in his heart, whilst others were allowed to be fancy free and naïve to their previous humanity.
And he didn't care.
If he could live every day, watching Jack, and seeing his lover it was worth every second.
Even if it meant sadness and never going back until it was time, Ianto no longer cared.
He needed Jack.
Even if he was condemned to live as his shadow for eternity, the whisper in the darkness of the night that soothed the soul and the person you only ever saw out of the corner of your vision.
There but not.
A ghost.
Ianto Jones was ready for eternity.
With Jack
When Jack awoke the next morning, he did not see Ianto sitting next to him, nor did he feel his lovr's hand on his shoulder, squeezing encouragingly for the day ahead.
But what he did see what a silver feather on the floor where Ianto was.
He picked it up and fingered it; it shone in the light and was as soft as down.
An angel feather.
A fallen angel's feather.
Jack smiled, and looked his lover in the eyes, and said to the almost nothingness.
"I love you Ianto Jones. Forever."
Heaven goodbye
