Help, I'm Being Oppressed
In a far off land under Italy's sewage system, there is a plumber. His name was
Mario and he was a murderer and a hero. The toads adored him as he frequently saved
government officials from monstrous turtles and clogged toilets. However, one race despised "The Mario". They were the Goombas. For years, the Goombas had been oppressed and offended. The oppression had come from the toads while the offense had come from their master, Bowser, immediately after they defected to him. Eventually, one lone Goomba set out on a civil quest to end it all. His name you ask? Pulminzki.
"What do we want?" Pulminzki asked the assorted bad dudes.
"Spiky helmets!!!" came the reply.
"Why?" Our anti-hero questioned.
"To look good at parties?" someone guessed.
"No, to thwart the Mario's jump attack!!" yelled the assembly.
"And when do we want 'em?" the big P asked.
"Eventually?" shouted that same, poor idiot.
"No you Moron! Before the next game!" the crowd supplied.
The crowd of enemies began shouting and even doing the wave as Pulminzki waddled inside to confront the only being that could make their dreams come true.
He gave the door a light kick and it opened wide with a creak.
"Who goeth there?" a voice boomed.
"Pulminzki, sir" the Goomba answered.
"What do you want now?" the Koopa King asked irritably.
"Sir, we are extremely concerned, as a species, of our value to you. Therefore, we would like our point value to be more than a measly 100. I mean, in all honesty, coins just sit there and they are worth 100."
"That's all you guys do effectively. Ooh ooh! Except I've never seen a creature that can jump off a cliff like a Goomba." Bowser retorted.
"Furthermore, we would be grateful if you granted us maternity leave."
Bowser stared, openmouthed.
"You spend a full 2/3 of your ridiculous lifecycle as a stupid MUSHROOM!!!!!" Bowser snarled.
"Well then how about some armor to withstand the Mario's jump and ground-pound attacks?"
Bowser's eye twitched.
"Who do you think I am? Ganon?" he sneered.
"No sir."
"Just get out of here. Maybe that pig-headed fool will take you."
Pulminzki took his leave. He let his people know that they were going elsewhere. They cheered and departed for the land of the Triforce.
Mario grabbed a fire flower and moved on, wary. The total lack of all things trying to kill him was unnerving, to say the least. He torched that tumbleweed that had been following him around for days. He arrived at Bowser's Castle and waltzed right in. No resistance. He beat up Bowser, saved the Princess, and then went home confused.
-MEANWHILE-
Link entered the dungeon and was immediately set upon by piranha plants, Goombas, chain chomps, koopas, and one of the indigenous octoroks.
"AAAAAHH!!!!" he screamed.
"Hey, listen!" his fairy Navi called.
"AAAIIEEEE!!!!" the Hero of Time fell to his knees as he was drained of hearts.
GAME OVER
