A/N: So i haven't dabbled with this pairing for so long, but I have been watching Torchwood from the beginning and realised how much I missed this pairing and fandom so have been reading so many Janto fics the past couple of weeks it's crazy and then this sort of just happened!
Let me know what you think :)
Chapter 1
It's hard, Ianto decided. Life in Torchwood was hard. At the young age of 24, Ianto had seen so much hurt, so much pain, so much destruction. So much death. He wasn't too sure he could keep up with it anymore. He had always felt things differently to the rest of the team, the exception most likely being Jack, but the older man had been around for so long it was almost as though the death and heartache just rolled off of him. Ianto knew the thought was unfair. He knew Jack suffered, with every death he met it affected Jack in ways Ianto wasn't too sure anyone would understand. It was almost like he envied them. Everyone around him could die yet he was there to watch it all. To watch it and then move on.
Ianto had considered leaving Torchwood, he thought maybe a life oblivious to aliens and pain would be easier than this. But what did he have if he didn't have Torchwood? His whole life was consumed by Torchwood, from the age of sixteen it was all he had known. Back then he had thought Torchwood was his saviour; after all they had picked him off of the streets, nothing but a scrawny teenager with a rebellious attitude and a poor education but now he was sure Torchwood was his downfall.
"Ianto..." Jack's voice snapped Ianto out of his thoughts and he quickly pressed enter, focussing his attention back to the computer and keys at his fingertips. Another life taken by aliens and covered up by Torchwood. No one would ever know what really happened. Ianto hated this part of his job. "You finished up?"
"Yeah." Ianto nodded weakly and put all of the papers into a brown file ready to be archived. How many more lives would he have to archive away? How long would it be until his name was in a brown file ready to be filed away? He closed his eyes and briefly took comfort in the hand Jack placed on his shoulder.
"Come on. I'm taking you out for dinner tonight," Jack said softly. He had noticed the slow withdrawal of the younger man, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. He wanted to understand what was going on in the young man's mind, and if he could he wanted to help him.
"I'm really not hungry, and honestly I kind of feel like curling up in front of a film on the sofa tonight." Ianto said truthfully.
"Want company?" Jack asked. He didn't particularly enjoy the long pause it took for Ianto to consider his offer, but he did feel glad when the suited man nodded his head. "I promise to behave during the film..."
"I'll believe it when I see it." Ianto smiled fondly and he knew he had fallen for one of jack's many tricks. He had this way of making everything slip away, he could put his charm on and soon everything would be forgotten and all Ianto would know would be Jack. It wasn't something Ianto minded at all. Sometimes it felt as though the only time his brain slowed down was when Jack had his arms around him.
"Everyone else has gone, so pack up and when you're ready we can go." Jack smiled and Ianto silly nodded, he turned back to the screen and took one last look at the young boy who had been so brave against the rift and the aliens that had taken over his mind and killed him, before he turned the screen off. It room him ten minutes to pack everything away, he hated the idea of leaving a job undone so he filed everything away despite Jack insisting that it could wait till tomorrow. The entire time Ianto was getting ready he couldn't ignore the feeling that something was gnawing away at his insides, leaving him with not only the feeling of dread and emptiness but a headache he knew painkillers wouldn't shake off.
"Ianto, you okay?" Jack asked softly, they had left the hub now and we're slowly walking around the bay. Ianto's house wasn't far away and Jack enjoyed walking the short distance, especially hand in hand.
"M'fine." Ianto replied. "My head hurts but it's nothing." He shrugged, telling half a lie was better than a full lie he thought. Though he hated lying to Jack, he just really had no idea what to actually say to him.
"I'll get you something for the pain when we get inside." Jack said soothingly, his brow creasing with worry. "How long has it been hurting?"
"Couple of weeks. On and off. It's... It's just my thoughts. They're loud sometimes and I can't shut them off." Ianto said honestly. He knew Jack would only question it.
"You've been quiet for the past few weeks." Jack said softly. "Is it just the headaches?"
"I don't... I don't know." Ianto sighed and he had never been more relieved to see his house, to open the door and close himself in from the world. Just for a little while. He shrugged of his coat and toed off his shoes, aware of Jack doing the same thing behind him. Their shoes lined up together and he couldn't help but think of how domestic it would look to an outsider. He wished to be an outsider right now. "Coffee?"
"Sure." Jack nodded knowing Ianto was looking for an escape to the conversation, he would give him one for now. Jack followed him to the kitchen and smiled at how immaculate it was. Jack hadn't called anywhere home for years, but every time he was here with Ianto, that's what it was slowly starting to feel like.
Ianto focused on the coffee. It was a good distraction but was over too soon for his liking and before he knew it they were sat on the sofa, coffee in hand and both waiting for the other to speak. It was Ianto who finally broke the silence, knowing deep down Jack could wait forever for him to finally speak. "Do you ever think you can feel what other people are feeling?" Ianto whispered.
Jack frowned, he hadn't been expecting that at all. "You mean like sense it?"
"No. I mean feel it. Like feel that someone's so lost in their own helplessness that it pulls you in. Sucks the energy from you. That's what... That's what I've been feeling." Ianto looked up at Jack, his eyes wide, scared, innocent.
"How long...?"
"A few weeks. It's been getting stronger. At first I just thought I was being a bit emotional. We see so much death of course it would get to me. But now it's like...it's like I feel their last thoughts."
"You felt it today, the boy Robin, he died in your arms..." Jack reached out and held Ianto's hand. It was shaking slightly and he took his mug away and set it on the table. "What did you feel?"
"Scared. He was so scared Jack. He could see the darkness, and it was consuming him." Ianto looked down as tears slowly began to fall from his eyes. He had seen so much death over his years working with Torchwood, but today he had felt it.
"Has it felt like that before?" Jack asked and pulled him against his side, Ianto curled against him, almost childlike like in his embrace.
"Not as strong." Ianto sighed. "I feel... I can't explain it Jack. But lately I just feel... Wrong."
"You're not wrong." Jack promised as he rocked him slightly in his arms. "We'll figure this out, together okay? But I need you to promise me that if you feel things like that again, you will come to me straight away?"
"Promise." Ianto whispered weakly. "Can we put the film on now?" He asked and Jack knew it meant he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and honestly he was surprised he got that much from him.
"Course. You pick whilst I find you something for your head."
"Okay." Ianto nodded and stood up and looked through his shelves of films. Jack headed to the kitchen and found some of the stronger pain medication, tomorrow he would persuade Ianto to do some tests, but tonight he would just hold him and be there for him. Knowing that was what the young boy needed the most right now.
