The Wacky Flying Singing Pirate Adventure

Disclaimer: Invader Zim belongs to lucky Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Darn him.

A/N: Oh, yes! My first Invader Zim fic! It's sheer comedy, so don't look for anything much here except goofiness. Also, it may seem like it's implyied, but there's also no ZaDr in this. There's some GIR-Zim friendship though. Um, that said, enjoyed chapter one!

Ch. 1: The Flying Pirate Ship

It was a pretty normal day in Ms. Bitters' class. She was rambling on about the uselessness of life and how everyone would eventually meet their own miserable DOOM. Most students were drooling on themselves, some were gazing out the window wistfully, and two students were oblivious to it all.

Dib Membrane was glaring down Zim, who looked back calmly, a gentle smirk on his face. I will expose you, you extra-terrestrial menace! Earth shall be saved!

One of these days, Dib-monkey, I'll use my Ultra Blaster Ray and slice you to bits. Then I'll feed your bones to GIR.

As the silent conversation continued over the dull buzz of fluorescent lights, an announcement came on and got everyone's attention.

"Attention. Ms. Bitters' class is to report to the auditorium for play practice from now until dismissal. Thank you."

Ms. Bitters rolled her eyes at the speaker and turned back to her class. "You heard what they said. Everyone go. We'll be practicing for next month's musical for the rest of the day."

"Musical?" Zim asked out loud although not really to anyone in particular. "What is this musical of which she speaks?"

"It was on the announcements last week too," Dib answered, although the Irken was his arch rival, he was also the only one who bothered to talk to him. "Weren't you paying any attention?"

The green boy thought back to last week. He had spent most of his school hours typing instructions into his watch and sending them to his computer. As an Invader, he needed to constantly come out with new weapons and destructive machines. And his most recent, GENIUS idea was a hypnosis device. His only problem was figuring out where to use it so that he could captivate a live human audience. But that would come in time.

"Um…of course I was!" he answered, offering an unconvincing smile to the black-haired boy. "I just….um…"

"You have no idea what a musical is, do you?"

"Of course I do…not." He muttered, making his way down the hall behind the rest of the class. Dib walked along beside him for lack of anything else to do. He hated the alien, but knowing more about Earth culture (for reasons that never struck Zim as obvious) made him feel superior.

"It's simple. People memorize lines and songs and perform in front of an audience. We dress up. There are all sorts of famous musicals out there. Phantom of the Opera, Rent, Wicked, Footlose. Stuff like that."

Zim was staring at Dib as though he had grown a second head. One violet eye was narrowed and one was wide open. "That has to be the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard!"

Dib shook his head in response. "Look, it's not my idea of a great time, but it is pretty fun and you'd be amazed what we can do in a month. Plus, the money we get from ticket sales will go straight to the school budget."

"Yes, yes, that's all very fascinating. Count me out."

XXX

"Lalala, laaaaaaaa! And fly away with meeeeeee!" a small blond concluded his tryout for the lead role in the musical they were doing, his voice had nearly shattered the windows. The piano accompanist looked a bit nauseas.

"Thank you, Melvin. As morbidly disgusting as your voice was, it was actually better than the others so far." Ms. Bitters said in her witch's voice. Melvin appeared to be on Cloud 9. "Unfortunately, we need your voice to be able to carry through the whole auditorium, so unless you can sing louder, better, and clearer, YOU PLAY THE CRIPPLED PRISONER ONBOARD THE SHIP!" the child ran away in tears.

"The Flying Pirate Ship? What kind of play is this?" Zim asked with incredulity, reading the script.

"Actually, this is one of the better ones," Dib admitted. "Not only does it have romance between the pirate king, Captain GreenBeard and the lovely maiden, Spectalina, but it has ACTION! Something I feel most musicals lack."

"Yes, Earth-slug, I'm sure you're having a field day with this, now go try out so I can be alone!" the Irken snapped, pushing Dib ahead. Despite himself, Dib felt his heart flutter in excitement. Soon the auditorium before him would be full of people...what if he got the lead role?!

"DIB! GET UP HERE NOW!"

"Yes, Ms. Bitters. Um, I'd like to audition for the role of GreenBeard. I guess I'll use the song Isn't It Cool To Be a Pirate."

"Fine. Begin."

Meanwhile, back behind the stage, Zim breathed a sigh of relief. His communicator had gone off while he was talking to Dib...an emergency call from GIR. "GIR, I received your transmission, what is it? I'm at Skool!"

"IT'S HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! MASTEEEER!"

"Sh! What, GIR, what?"

"S-sorry!" on the screen projected out of the PAK on Zim's back, he could see his SIR unit with tears streaming down his face. How he could cry was beyond anyone. He was, after all, advanced. "I...waaah...I lost...I lost my piggie!"

"Your...piggie?"

"Yeah. You know? The little rubber one?! I loved that piggie! And now he's gone! GONE! Waaaah!"

"Sh, quiet, GIR, quiet! I'll...urg, I'll buy you a new one on my way home—"

"I don't want another piggie! I want MY piggie!"

Groaning, Zim cut the transmission and turned back to the stage where Dib was finishing his tryout solo.

"The life of a slave to the SEEEEEEEAAAAAAA! Ha!" he took a deep breath. "Well, what do you think?"

"Dib...that was just pathetic." his teacher scowled.

"Hahaha! Yes, pathetic, indeed, Dib-monkey!" Zim guffawed, stalking across the stage so as to laugh at his enemy better. Humiliated and angry, Dib met Zim halfway and stamped on his foot as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! OUCH!"

Ms. Bitters' eyes widened and she looked up at the alien in shock.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"That's it—"

"AAA-AAA-AAAAAAAH! PAIN!"

His loud voice tore through the entire auditorium. "That voice—"

"YOU SHALL PAY, DIB-STINK!"

"You! ZIM!"

"Huh?"

"You shall be this musical's Captain GreenBeard!"

"HUH?!" this time the Invader and the black-haired boy were in unison.

"His voice," she explained as close to excitement as she would ever get, "it's just what we need, commanding, loud, a bit high and scratchy, but who cares? It's GreenBeard incarnate!"

"You're giving that part to Zim?! He doesn't even want to be in the play!" Dib argued. "And I sang my heart out!"

"Well, obviously no one cares. Although you did sing well. I suppose that should be rewarded...fine. Dib, you can also be a lead role."

"Yes!" he cried, pumping a fist.

"You can be Spectalina."

"All righ—what?! But that's the lead girl role."

"I'm well aware of that!"

"But Zim doesn't even want—"

"Actually, hyuman," the violet-eyed boy cut him off, "upon reconsideration, I suppose this 'play' isn't such a stupid thing after all. I mean, she was right on about my beautiful voice, wasn't she?"

"You're such an egotist, you only agreed because she praised you."

"Don't be a sore loser, human." Zim advised with a cruel smirk before spinning on his heel and leaving.

Dib sighed angrily, aware fighting would do no good. After a moment's pause, he turned back to his teacher. "I suppose you still wouldn't give me that role even if I told you he was an alien, right?"

Her eyes narrowed and an animalistic growl escaped her throat. Walking away with great annoyance, he shook his head. "Didn't think so."

A/N: Phew! Chapter one! OK, the song's aren't real, nor is the play, nor are the characters in the play. When they sing, I'll leave the tune up to you because I have none. So GreenBeard is obvioulsy Zim because he's green. Spectalina (Speck-tah-lina) is Dib, you know, as in glasses, spectacles, he wears them...no?...get it...?

And do people write GIR as that or Gir? Whichever you think is correct, please tell me. Any other questions, comments, or concerns, please PM or leave in a review, please. K, great. Please review and I hope you enjoyed chapter one!