Chapter One: Dumbledore's Speech

Disclaimer: All the characters and places are the creation of J.K Rowling. In short, I only own my crazy plot.

After the defeat of Lord Voldemort, life in Hogwarts was slowly going back to normal.

"It feels weird studying at school again after all that happened, doesn't it?" said Hermione as the trio (Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter) sat down on the Gryffindor table.

"You're right, it does…after all the fighting and…stuff," Ron replied.

"You're as accurate as always" Harry remarked, laughing.

"Hey! Are you implying something?!"

Meanwhile, Hermione was waving happily at someone in the Slytherin table.

"Hi Draco! See you afterwards!"

"Oh right, forgot to ask, how's it going between you and Draco?" asked Harry.

"Fantastic," replied Hermione, smiling, "How about you and Luna?"

"Great," replied Harry in his turn. There was an awkward silence.

"Hey! Isn't anyone going to ask about me and Pansy?!" Ron exclaimed

"What?? You're with Pansy now?"

"Is there something wrong with that? You're with Draco so I decided to follow your example of being with Slytherins. She's quite nice actually"

Before Hermione could defend herself, Dumbledore started speaking and they all had to quieten down.

"Welcome! I'm glad to see that so many of you have returned since Voldemort was defeated. However, we've all had to make sacrifices…" and so he went on, talking about the tragedy of the war, all the bravery and so on.

Suddenly he said, "However, there is something that is rather worrying me."

Dumbledore was now looking sternly at all of the students. "I am afraid that some of you are not abiding the rules of Harry Potter by JK Rowling". Eyes turned to look at Harry and then back at Dumbledore.

"Who's he?" someone asked.

"She's the most wonderful lady I've ever known. An excellent muggle writer. I've got her autograph here somewhere..."

Ron whispered,"Okay, now he's gone bonkers" to Hermione, who gave him a disapproving stare for saying something like that about their headmaster.

Meanwhile Dumbledore seemed to gather himself and said,"Anyways, where was I? Oh yes...You have all taken the dangerous path of...FANFICTION!"

"Fanfiction? I do have quite a few fans at school-- of course I'm not chasing any other girls 'mione--, but fanfiction??" said Draco unaware that Dumbledore was listening.

"Oh yes, Mr. Malfoy, you are quite popular with girls, I believe even in such far-away places as India--such as a most charming girl, currently residing in Singapore...now, what was her name again?-- and that is why it seems that you are in a relationship with Ms. Granger here...which brings me to my point. You must all change your ways! How are we to have the wonderful epilogue now? Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy, Mr. Potter and Ms Lovegood, Mr. Weasley and Ms. Parkinson and Ms Weasley and Mr.Zab...oh oops, sorry wrong fanfiction...oh yes, most shockingly of all, Ms. Weasley and Ms. Chang! There are to be no gays or lesbians in this school, apart from me of course ...sorry Minerva...This will not do at all! Ms Granger and Mr Weasley, Mr. Potter and Ms. Weasley...that's the way it's supposed to be!" By now, Dumbledore was sounding agitated and was practically shouting. Then, more to himself, he added,"Actually...I'm supposed to be dead...not that I mind..."

"So..."Hermione begun saying carefully, "you're saying that we're all dating the wrong people?"

"Yes!" Dumbledore said happily now that at least someone understood him. "I want that epilogue!" As an afterthought he then quietly whispered something to Professor McGonagall that sounded suspiciously like "...it doesn't mention anything about me though, and who says I have to obey JK, so..." then looked back at the students and said, "You all have until the end of the year to change your ways!" before going off with a smiling Professor McGonagall. Immediately people started chattering in a very shocked manner.

A/N: Please review, I want to know how good/bad it is!